Thursday, May 24, 2012

How get through.

One of you intrepid readers (I am not quoting because they want to remain Anonymous) did your homework from this entry and now you need to know how I get through those Bad Times.

Sometimes people get the impression that my Self Love is bulletproof and always awesome. It's not.

There are days my homies, there have been entire years where there is nothing in the world I've loathed more than everything about myself.

For me these things usually manifest in me nitpicking myself. Hair isn't right, skin is fucked, teeth are fucked, everything about me is stupid and I hate it.

It happens. Sometimes a lot.

When I feel like I need to stop the spiral and work on it here's what I do.

I self care like a mother fucker.

I self care hard.

If I am feeling fucked up I tend to spin out. One little bad thing can quickly become ALL the bad things.

What I've learned is that I need to focus. I need to slow down and sometimes even just stop.

I groom my eyebrows, I give myself a facial, I cut my toe nails, I put on a face full of crazy Drag Queen Level make up.

I do that because in the long term those things are good for me. In the short term, they make me focus. I can't be pissed off and ranting about all the awful things about me while I am cutting my toenails I will hurt myself and I hate that.

Sometimes what I'm doing is putting a bandaid on something because I don't always have the time to be crazy or upset or depressed.

Those moments are what I talk about needing that punk rock ass kicking type love.

These are the moments when I need to say I do not give a fuck.

I often need my self love to be a big fucking stick with which I beat the proverbial shit out of everything because I have shit to do.

If I need to paint my face, put on a ridiculous or inappropriate outfit and stomp out of the house full of rage I do it because I know that for me that works.

Sometimes in order to love myself I have to look at the whole rest of the world and say No Fuck You.

I am an angry person. I am sometimes an aggressive person. Sometimes in order for me to survive myself I need to channel and funnel that.

Sometimes I have to just go to that Bad Crazy Love Place and put those pants on and walk around in them because I want to make it.

So there it is y'all. The secret to my survival and ability to keep moving.

It all boils down to me not giving a fuck.

The only fucks I have to give ever are to myself.

The only person I ever have to always make up with is me.

The only love that is real serious grounding life saving love is the kind I can give to myself.

Because I have learned how to love myself, as in my own special flavor of self love, I have learned to love other people.

I believe that it's been so important for me to define these things for myself because in America I have always known that I am not and cannot be the girl those things are written for.

What I mean by that is that I don't have money. I am not a White Lady. In terms of Western Beauty and goodness I am not in the picture.

And that realization all those years ago as much as it hurt saved my life because I understood that the only person who could make those feelings of self love and blossoming and becoming happen was me.

You see what I did there?

This is one of those tender intersectional places. This is the sort of thing that is hard to talk about because well, it really fucking blows.

However, it's so important because so many of us are just not the Saveable White Lady who is the archetype of the woman who is cared for and nurtured in our society.

Now your homework my homies.

I want you to think about this stuff and sit with it.

I want you to tell yourself that you too, yes you are this important. That you can define your own means of Loving Yourself even when Yourself is being kinda jerky.

I love you my homies.

I am off to feed myself like a growed up.

Homo Out.



Anonymous said...

Read your article on The Root about obesity. I have to say I came here with the intent on commenting about it, but I'm more intrigued by the fact you are a goth. I've been trying to find your Twitter, do you happen to have one?

Shannon Barber said...

Welcome Matthew. Feel free to comment away. I do have twitter you can find me @weebeasty. I'm technically on vacation but I'll come back and answer any questions you have.

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