Monday, July 16, 2012

A Moment for some Fat Femme Realness.

Things have been so serious around here I can't do that today.

Instead let's talk about Femmeness and more specifically my personal expression of my Femmeness.

Now if money weren't a thing and life was in fact my cupcake, if you look around at my Fat Femme Fashion Pinterest board you'd see the penultimate expression of my inner Nazgul Serving Femme Realness.

One of the thing a lot of my fat friends have said to me at one time or another is that they never even thought they could do Femme as a presentation/performative thing because they are just too fat.

This is something I think about a lot because there was a time in my life when I thought I was just too ugly to do Femme as a thing. For me this was particularly difficult when I was at my thinnest because my body did not read woman to me at all. Thus I decided that if my body was not an acceptable thing as a woman then I could not Do. Femme.

I fully bought into the idea that if I didn't fit some arbitrary idea of what a woman is, I could not therefor be Femme.

I look back and just shake my head.

Here's the thing.

Femme does not mean you have to be a Thin Nice Pretty White Lady.

It doesn't.

Femme is not necessarily vagina centric or tits centric or even Female centric.

Femme is as you do.

Here's the thing I wish I would have figured out back then or someone would have told me.

There's no mold for Femme.

There is no single true knower of all things Femme and if someone treats you that way or tells you that they are frankly full of shit.

Femme is not solely made up of the things that are supposedly desireable by Thin White Lady Beauty Ideals. You don't have to "look" like a woman whatever that means.

You just don't.

You don't have to fit into some hypersexualized or totally desexed existence to exhibit whatever flavor of Femme you want.

When you are a fat person, you are either hypersexualized. We've all heard how desperate all us fatties are for sex and how we're ever so good at blowjobs because it's like eating, how we are so awesome in bed but nobody wants to admit that we are blablablabla. We've all heard it.

Then on the flip side of this, we're totally not sexual because who would EVER want to fuck a fatty? Right?

Here's the thing.

You can't have it both ways.

The Virgin/Whore Desired/Hated dichotomy is just not sustainable in the actual world.

Let's take our personal experiences out of it for a second and look at this idea objectively.

If in order for one to be or do Femme, one must fit into the narrow confines of Western Beauty.

How does that actually pan out in real life?

I mean think about how many Femme and Femme identified people you may come across say on the internet. How many of them fit those ideals in any way?

Think bigger. How many (let's use some presumption here) swishy, flaming, yadda yadda people have you seen in your actual life? How many fat folks sporting fine clothing and fancy manicures?

Now let's agree for the moment that depending on where we live and where we hang out on the internets, let's assume there are a lot of Femme Identifying people who are not Pretty Thin White Ladies.

Now if all of those people, myself included cannot ever fit into a Thin White Lady ideal and are STILL doing Femme in whatever way we see fit, why can't you?

Yes, my point here is that fuck what anyone has ever said to you.

Wanna be Femme? Want to be Femme as you see fit?

Go on ahead.

Now comes the fun and hard part.

How does one go about being Femme?

The good news is you can be Femme in whatever way you want. That is also the bad news.

It can be really overwhelming and I highly suggest some baby steps especially if you are poor.

For me it started with manicures.

No really it was as simple as going to the drug store and spending like 5$ on files, a good red polish, a basecoat and a topcoat.

I went home, soaked my cuticles in lotion and spent some time filing/shaping etc.

Maybe for you it starts with wearing that pair of earrings you've had forever but have never had the "guts" to wear them. Put them on. Doesn't matter if they super match your outfit, or if they are fancy.

You don't have to have guts to wear anything. You have to have some love for yourself.

Trust yourself which is so antithetical to everything we're taught.

Trust that if something like a tacky ass necklace you bought at the thrift store delights you, you can and should wear it with impunity.

No one including me gets to tell you how to express yourself and your gender.

Be a Fat Femme, Be a Super Fat Fatty Fat Fat Femme, Be a Dude Femme, Be a Kinda Butchy Femme with some sparkle on the side.

As I am very fond of saying these days You DO You.

Nobody else can do it the way you can for yourself.

Are you Femme my homie? Share with the class how you do it.

Now if y'all will excuse me I desperately need to moisturize my stems and possibly eat some food like a grown up.

Homo Out.



Mad Gastronomer said...

I like to call myself a Bluejeans Femme, because I usually wear jeans and a t-shirt. I wear my hair in two pigtails, and have leopard-print glasses, and I wear mary janes a lot, and for the most part that's femme enough for me.

But then I dress up, and I wear corsets and tight leather fetishy things with short skirts or cutouts, or neo-victorian/steampunk with petticoats and tiny hats,* or classy sparkly elegant ensembles.

But I'm a femme no matter what I'm wearing.

Also, girly scented bath products from Lush. Mmmmmm.

*Yes, steampunk has All Kinds Of Issues. I still think the clothes are pretty.

CherryPie Suicide said...

I used to be really big and my mother's really big- I saw how my mum dealt with it and followed suit. I always used to buy into the Thin Blonde And Tan archetype that encompasses modern societie's standard of what is feminine. Jeans, t-shirts, bare face, ponytail and hoodies. I just didn't think I fit the ideal woman format enough to be Femme, MY version of Femme.

But now? I've lost tons of weight, but I still have a major ass, hips and boobs and a non-flat belly. But I revel in it.

Femme is floral tattoos and perfectly drawn on eyebrows and beauty marks. Femme is red or black nails, filed to perfection. Femme is smooth legs and delicate silver piercings. Femme is mysterious and luxurious and it's whatever the fuck makes me feel excellent.

Awesome post <3

maggiemunkee said...

i have been slowly incorporating more Femme into my life, at least i have been trying. when i was younger, i desperately wanted to do some Femme (even if i didn't have the vocabulary for it then), and every time i would take a step in that direction, i would get sidetracked or full on derailed by comments i would get, mostly from people at school.

the "whoa"s, "that's... *different"s, and the barely hidden snickers and smirks.

i am now at a point where i generally do not give a fuck. i wear what i want that makes me feel fabulous. my main complaint now is that Femme is hard work, and i don't always have the spoons to make my fabulous vision a reality.

alumiere said...

I sort of fit into the western ideal for female in that I'm fairly thin, and wear skirts and heels.

Of course, I'm also bald (partly choice partly broken - but before that I had a 'mohawk' for 30+ years), a freak, don't wear makeup, and queer in both the bi sense and the gender fluid sense.

Many years ago a friend called my style dainty punk; it still fits although I also really like hard femme.

I hate pants, so I'm always in skirts and dresses, but I'm a not terribly curvy female and don't often wear 'proper' support undergarments so I read as either sex. And the only pair of shoes without heels I own make me hurt bad - I just ordered a replacement pair of stacked wedge pumps as I'd destroyed my practical shoes - but since day-to-day wear is usually floor length no-one notices the heels anyway.

This is who I am and at my age I'm not changing. I'm thankful I got good genes in the skin department and I've built a wonderful wardrobe of corsets and club clothes over the years... it makes me happy to get dressed up and go out with friends.

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