Monday, August 20, 2012

My Self Care book is HERE!

Are you ready homies?

Here it is:

Click here to check it out on smashwords.

Basically this is like having an extended remix of some of my self care entries. I'm giving you some tools and ideas and permission to care for yourself.

Here is a tidbit from the beginning:

This little book is about how to self-care as an act of absolute defiance.

This little book is about survival in a world that at best is unfriendly and at worst actively hostile.

This little book is especially for poor people, people feeling fucked up about their body image, people feeling fucked up about their rent, people worried about how they are going to make it day to do.

This little book is for people who are depressed, disabled, able bodied.

This is about you, it is for you because I want you to make it. I want you to have every tool and weapon I can think of to fight through the bad times.
You can get it right now for 2$.

Holy crap right?

If you can't purchase it that's okay too. If you want to help me out or support my indie writing adventures feel free to send friends the link, go to the page and click the like button. Spread it as far and wide as you want to because it is for everyone.

Is it for you?


I decided to write this because almost everything that is written about self care is so fluffy. It is always so pointedly directed at 'women' in cissexist terms.

What about the rest of us?

The thing is, ( I say something like this in the book) so many of us are fucked up. Where do those of us who do not identify with fluffy new age yammering go for support?

I have volunteered.

Come to me.

I am not an expert.

I'm just a writer who has been through some shit and learned some stuff I feel is valuable enough for me to share with people. With my people.

Who are my people?

My people are all kinds of people. Confused people. People with divergent gender ideas and weird hair. Stinky people. Depressed people. Tear filled human cupcake people who only want to eat a fucking cookie and be happy.

You are my people.

Now my darlings I have a lot of work to do right now. So thank you for your support and encouragement and the lovely notes.

I'm the worst correspondent ever but thank you.

Now go forth my homies, care for your fine fine asses in as awesome a fashion as you can.

I am going to eat some food then get back to work.

Homo Out.


Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Well then I'm not talking to you.

After my last post I got a note from an anon who is very upset about everything I said.

I'm not going to reprint the whole note because a.) I think this person was just being an asshole and b.) it's my blog and I do what I want.


First of all everything I say here unless otherwise indicated is based on my personal experience and life.

When I say I, I mean I as an individual.

You SaltyAssAnon are being an asshole.

Here's the thing.

I am not for everybody.

If you felt insulted by the fact that at times I react to certain behaviors with an eyeroll, understand that maybe you need to deal with that in your own life and attitude.

And you know what I stand by my assertion that certain worries or problems are a privilege.

If you haven't ever been seriously worried about basic survival as in food and shelter you have no idea what I'm talking about.

It's okay if you don't understand that experience.

What's not okay is to expect me to boohoo with someone or try to commiserate with someone lamenting how fat their ass may or may not be when I might have more serious shit to deal with.

Now I will say that if you are a person who tries to tell me how much I should empathize with some poor person who spends hours of every day obsessing about their body size.

Is it a sad and hard thing?

Yes it is.

Do I understand it on a visceral level?

No I do not.

My point in making that entry was that I did not put together my reaction to this sort of behavior with the root of it.

I was not being mean to people with issues.

We all got issues.

I got issues.

You have issues.

That doesn't mean you are entitled to tell me how I talk about how I feel about anything ever.

If you think that you get to because you think I'm being mean, fuck you.

If you think you are entitled to tell me how to talk about my own feelings in my own space, this is not the blog for you and you can keep on stepping.

I am not for you.

And that is okay.

I am the first person to tell anyone that it's okay not to like and/or get me. I am not a one size fits most type.

If you are new let me explain a few things.

I am a cunty mean ass old queen.

I spent a lot of my formative years around fellow cunty old mean ass queens and as much as I love anyone, I am not the ONE.

I love my readers.

I don't love strangers who think they can send me bullshit passive aggressive notes because I somehow hurt their feelings with my opinions or feelings.

Watch this clip. These drag queens are reading someone to filth and that is the language I speak.

I am a mean old queer.

Sometimes it comes from a place of love and frustration. Sometimes it comes from a place of irritation.

It is just who I am.

Also please note that my personal vernacular is generally non gender specific.

As if if I say, GIRL NO. I don't mean person who has a gender that is girl specifically.

I mean it in the gay general everyone at some point is GURL NO.

If I am talking about an individual person I will use their preferred gender pronouns or general ones if I am unsure.

I am a foul mouthed, joyfully insane, verbose, strange little fucker.

I know this about myself, I embrace this about myself, I let it happen because it is who I am.

If you don't like it, don't get it, don't understand how I speak (and for the record I speak on the internet pretty much the same way I do in real life but I say cunt a little less), don't like how I speak, what I talk about, how I talk about it.-

Girl bye.

Strangers nit picking my verbiage, usage or feelings on the internet is not the flavor of bullshit I like to engage in. Essentially in doing so you're telling me any of the following things:

  1. You don't understand what I'm talking about and are mad so you think that is my fault.
  2. You skipped the content and context of what I've said so you can have something to disagree with.
  3. You're just being an asshole.
So the bottom line is this.

I long ago accepted that I am not the flavor for everyone and not everyone is my flavor and that is okay. It is not reason to troll or even keep reading someone/something.

If you don't like me or how I run shit here, girl bye.

Now for my regulars.

The self care guide is COMING.

I'm pricing it at 2$ and it will be available via smashwords. I just need to format it, make the cover and BOOM.

Now, tomorrow I have another post about my relationship with my own ugliness and about why I don't feel the need to reclaim ugly.

Homo Out.


If you don't see some of the humor probably don't get me too much.

Monday, August 13, 2012

The way we think.

I was just reading this article by Lesley over at XO Jane and while reading some of the comments I caught myself rolling my eyes and groaning.

After a conversation last week and looking at those comments I had an a ha moment.

Life right now is not really nice. I'm so stressed out and anxious I'm not totally sure what to do with myself. I'm not sleeping well, my ability to just do the things I have to day to day is waxing and waning.

Here's the thing I've realized.

I don't have the time nor mental energy to be overly worried about my fat, how pretty I am or am not, about the things a lot of other lady types worry about.

Even at a younger age when that stuff was more forefront in my mind, often I was not able to engage in the kind of constant wallowing in hating my body because I was too busy trying to survive.

I feel like it is at some point a privilege to have the time and space to worry about what size your ass is constantly.

Maybe that's just me. There have been enough times in my life when I've been worried about where my next meal was happening or if I would be able to scrape together four dollars to buy two boxes of tampons and two cans of soup at the dollar store because honestly it is AWFUL to be malnourished or have nothing to eat when you're on your period, or having to worry about being able to pay to get to work, or if my partner will be okay that- honestly a lot of my kvelling about the size of my ass falls by the wayside.

Hence the eye rolling.

I read that, especially days like today when I'm worried about things I can't do anything about, and I'm like fuck it MUST be nice to have all that time to focus on how fat you are.

When I've tried to express this feeling I know at times it has come off as a catty thing which it isn't. I am occasionally appalled that other people don't live lives like mine and then I remember that not everyone is me.

So when I say that I wish that all i had to really be worried/upset about was the size of my ass I do actually mean that. I am honestly really tired of worrying abut everything else right now.

I would like to worry about whether or not this ring I saw comes in my size.

I think my real point is this.

For a second before you complain about your fat or not actually fat ass, ask yourself if the person you're complaining to really needs to hear it right now. Before you complain about spending ever so much on an outfit only to want to return a piece of it because it's a tad too small or too big or too soft or whatever, think about who you're complaining to and whether or not they need to hear it.

If you can't spare yourself bullshit talk spare a friend.

Now in other news the promised self care guide is coming.

It will be released later this week.

Um. I am really stressed out but hopefully 80% of that will be taken care of by Thursday and if I get some sleep I will be able to reply to the lovely sweet notes from some of you.

Until then my darlings.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Fat Goth Survival.

Let's talk about making it work.

I want to tell y'all about making things that are either a little too big or a little too small work out for us.

This isn't really a size thing.

This is more about being poor and those situations when you can't really afford more things, maybe you gained a little weight between seasons, maybe you thrifted it. Who knows.

Now I'm going to recommend again that you learn some basic hand sewing things.

Nothing fancy, I'm talking super simple nothing overly fancy. You can buy something like a small hand sewing kit for emergencies at any drug store or even the dollar store.

Here is a tutorial I like.

Let's start with bustline problems.

I am most familiar with things being too small in the bust.

I have huge boobs.

When something like a cardigan is too small in the busline you can play with how you button it. For instance I have a size L cardigan I got from Target a few years ago. The cardigan is supposed to be a cropped boxy fit. NOPE.

I wear it and it becomes a tight cropped shrunken shape.

When it comes to gothy clothes, I've found that when I DO find things that are somewhat plus sized often there is not boob room.

Here's the thing, you don't have to wear things the way you see them on a display.

So, don't be afraid to buy a skirt that on a model is long and loose. Wear that shit skin tight and show off your hot booty.

So when you buy tank tops that are too short and don't cover your belly, or cardigans that won't button over your boobs, fancy tights you can't pull over your thighs keep them.

Things you can do with tights:
Using very sharp scissors you can cut them to make sleeves. To keep them from unraveling right away if you spritz them with hairspray from a can then carefully whip stitch around the tops, do the hairspray thing then paint around the top. If you're a more adventurous sewer you can sew a strip of fabric from something else to it. You can use stretchy lace too.

These won't last forever but somethings you really need to add some sleeves to something or to wear under that shirt you might not be comfortable wearing.

You can also use one leg of a pair of tights as a headband, use it as a soft gentle ponytail holder. If you are a lover of hair pieces and falls, use it with those.

Now let's talk skirts.

To get the most out of skirts understand a few things.

Elastic waists are your friend.
The size on the tag doesn't always matter.
You don't have to wear something the way it is supposed to be worn.

Learn where on your torso wearing things is comfortable. If you say have a bigger belly, buy skirts that are made to be longer on people without a belly and they will be knee length or mini on you. Are you really tall? For calf or knee length skirts try on elastic waist petite sized things to experiment with length.

My big point here for not just us fat goths but for everyone is that if you are thrifty or broke, it pays to lose your fear of size tags.

There are items I wear that are everything from a size small to a 20.

When you're looking at something stretchy, stretch that shit out.

If something has a waistband or armhole that is a little too snug, break the elastic. Basically you stretch it until it crackles and you lose some of the elasticity.

If a top is too tight try cutting a V in the neckline.

Don't be afraid to wear something kinda rugged.

Make it work.

One of my other big tips is for lace up boots.

If you have big calves you need a partner, some elastic and socks.

Get your socks on and the boots all the way unlaced. Either stand or sit and have your partner use regular shoe laces up over your foot and ankle. Tie them off.

Continue lacing with the elastic. If the boot has a zipper make sure to zip it up. If the boot is leather, you're going to want to walk around and loosen the leather up. Another trick is to get a hairdryer and hit the leather with some good hot air to warm it up and make it easier to stretch out.


Also if your foot is wide and tall, you can use elastic for a WHOLE boot.

Don't be afraid to cut the waistband off of something and cut a matching or contrasting tshirt into wide enough strips to make a new waistband. You don't even need a measuring tape for that. All you need is to put strips together until they go around your waist.

Also seriously. If you have money to pay retail for clothes don't be afraid to ask around about companies, refund policies. Bother merchants. If they don't list garment specific measurements ask. Take them to task if they don't offer them.

Make people work for your precious dollars and patronage.

This is super important for us fatties.

Make them work for our dollars.

Don't let them get away with pretending like we are not a viable demographic.

Later at some point we need to talk about how I'm going to be poor and try to make it as far into or through winter as possible without wearing pants.

I'm not joking

Fuck pants.

Homo Out.


Friday, August 03, 2012

But it's simple science.

People keep telling me how science says that if I only ate less and moved more I wouldn't be fat.

Ahem. I am trigger warning for bullying language and this is not nice today. Hold on to your hat.

For our purposes today here is my position on science.

Science is not the be all end all of all things all the time.

Science and scientists are fallible. Ideas and things people find out change.

If you don't believe me let's talk for a moment about some of the things science proved as fact at some point.

Science once upon a time believed that the Earth was flat.

Science proved that the sun revolves around the Earth.

Science proved at one point that the cure for any illness was to bleed it out of a person.

Science proved at one point that the cure for any mental illness or perceived defect was lobotomy.

Sitting here in 2012 we hear those things and a lot of us say OH HELL NO.

I'm not doing your research for you so if you want "fact" to back up anything I'm saying use the google.

In America any other "disease" is not treated on an entirely societal level from birth to death, to media, to doctors and everyone else in the world as a bullyable offense.

Even diseases that are supposedly avoidable, once people have those diseases it's not an acceptable thing in our culture to bully them.

When someone has breast cancer you don't hear people saying things like:

"Well there is a history in your family why didn't you get your breasts removed?"

When someone chokes to death or has a close call, no one says:

"Well if you'd just put down the fork maybe you wouldn't choke"

When someone is visibly sick from say chemo or otherwise looks ill, you don't hear people yelling from cars:

"Why don't you just die already you sick cunt"


I'm positive that most people would be appalled and enraged if they heard that.

On a societal level in America bullying is on peoples minds.

Now my problem right now is that when it comes to bodies, people lose their minds and any sense of ethics or morals or basic decent behavior.

People want to give me the simple science of weight-loss. When I call them for being cruel just to be cruel, they justify it with the belief that a fat person can and should be bullied and abused to punish them for being fat and "not doing anything about it".

This disconnect gets awful especially given that fatness itself, obesity (we'll get to actual sicknesses correlated with obesity in a minute) has been medicalized and pathologized to be the deadliest "illness" in America right now, so instead of the diet/healthcare industry continue to propagate lies, offer dangerous drugs instead of treatment. If it was cancer and everywhere you went all you saw were "miracle" no effort magic cancer curing pills people would be angry, it would not be allowed to happen.

But, if you're fat and especially if you are fat and self loathing, fuck your health fuck you and if you don't hate yourself enough to take those dangerous drugs or engage in dangerous behaviors, you're clear to bully.

Let's be real here for a moment whether or not you like fat people or approve of fat people etc.

Beyond the reality that people tend to try and eradicate by any means necessary things they fear (google this if you don't believe the fear part, Do Americans believe that being fat is worse than smoking) why is it is such a danger, are we not treating obesity with the sensitivity and common decency that people who presumably have a fatal disease get?

If you believe that if science says it's true then it must be an indisputable fact, why is science saying what fat poeple have been saying for years? Why does it take a study to figure out that fat acceptance can do this:

Participants perceived that blogging within the Fatosphere led them to feel more empowered. Participants also described the benefits of belonging to a supportive community, and improvements in their health and well-being. The Fatosphere provides an alternative pathway for obese individuals to counter and cope with weight-based stigma.
If it is so imperative that fat people be healthy, that is it a moral obligation for us to be healthy, when we tell you that part of us taking care of our health as a whole includes accepting ourselves and finding community and having doctors who can treat us as real live human beings and not a bucket of fat disease, etc- Why the fuck are so many of you so instantaneously awful to us?

Science has long proven the risks bullied and emotionally abused people face.

Science is telling us every day that children at younger and younger ages are facing treatment for eating disorders and DYING because of the fat stigma.

There are cases of people STARVING infants to keep them from being fat. Some of those babies die.

There is science to back up the fact that as of now, being fat in and of itself is not the issue.

Being obese and fatty fat fat fat is not the single thing between a fat person and health.

The science right now tells us that being sedentary is the problem.

Science right now tells us that no, we don't have to murder ourselves at the gym to reap the health benefits of exercise.

This is why every time anyone who is not fat, talks about obesity I don't believe they give a shit about the health of the nation or the health of fat people.

If you have a deep faith in science, pay attention to what I'm about to say.

Me being fat is not the single crux or issue of my health.

That applies to every fat person on the planet.

If you find the newer science that controverts every diet related ad and almost everything people say about fatness, how does that excuse the consistent bullying and evil awful behavior that people display to fat people.

If you can still sit there after all the evidence you use against fat people and say that you give a damn about fat people health, you are a liar.

If you really are committed to getting all us awful fat people healthy this is what you do.

  1. Most importantly stop being a bully. Don't be an asshole to fat people for existing. If you believe yourself to be a decent human being and find yourself mooing at fat people, making fun of fat people, complaining when someone fat is in your vicinity you are not actually a decent human being. You are an asshole.
  2. Admit that you don't really care about the actual entire health of a fat person and are only concerned about the size of their ass.
  3. Admit that it makes you uncomfortable when someone does not fit your aesthetic ideals.
  4. Stop being a bully. Just stop.
  5. Be decent.
  6. Give fat people their space when they need it.
  7. Understand that my health situation or anyone else's health situation is none of your business and not up to public debate unless they put it out there.
  8. Do not participate in the bullying/abuse culture that treats every body that is not mainstream attractive as less than.
  9. Do not participate in the part of our culture that denies the concept of intersectionality.
  10. Fight for good health care for everyone including fat people.
  11. Fight for places like gyms and grocery stores to not be places that treat non normative bodies as wrong bodies.
  12. If you care about the health of a fat person you know, don't be cruel to them. Don't bully them. Don't abuse them. Help support their health by being part of their support system. If that person needs help finding a doctor who will treat them with a modicum of human decency, help them. Go with them and if they are too upset with a doctor to ask not to be talked down to or they are not getting treated for their actual medical problem, be there to speak up for them.
  13. Call out other thin people.
  14. If you are a parent don't bully your kids. Show them that their body is a great awesome body. Help them develop a deep sense of stable self esteem so they will love themselves and take care of themselves.
  15. Start giving a critical eye to the "experts" who display so much bias they aren't really helping anyone.
  16. Question the status quo.
If you can't do those things at least do number 1.

If you can't even do number one, you are a liar. You don't really care and science is not actually your friend.

The bottom line is this.

If you need a scientific study to tell you not to treat other human beings badly, they are out there.

What science won't do is stop changing in this one area to suit your bias.

Stop telling us that it's just simple science because it's not.

That's all.

Homo Out.


So guess what?

I already announced this on tumblr but, my absence has reasons!

I've decided to write a little zine type thing about my brand of raw, self care for fucked up people.

Basically it'll be like reading a whole little book, written like this here little blog, all about self care. I have some recipes, some strategies, and a special section about why it's important, and how to do it when things are really fucked up.

I'm hoping to do maybe a couple of versions. One basic one for like two bucks, one with an extended make up/facial care part, one with some special POC tips, each at maybe 3$ and one with ALL the things for 4$.

I want to keep it accessible for poor people so it's all DIY.

So let's talk about something else that works my poor nerves.

Why do people refuse to understand intersectionality especially when it comes to anything race or weight related?

I am not traditionally educated and is this just something that all these "experts" didn't learn in college?

How is it even rational in any universe to think that anything in our lives happens in a vacuum?

It BOGGLES  my mind that after my interview at The Root one person tried to argue with me via email trying to tell me that health is health is health and is only health.

He refused to even acknowledge that socio-economics, family dynamics, cultural (within the Black community) dynamics, location, size etc ALL have to do with health and how we deal with it.

I just, I just cannot understand how this mentality makes sense in life. Nor can I understand why people cherry pick the idea so hard.

If you can't understand or even acknowledge intersectionality stop talking about deeply inter-sectional things until you pull your head out of your butt.

It just chaps all of my fat ass. ALL of it.

I think that's all for right now darlings. I'm exhausted and cranky and pissed off.

So soon be on the lookout for Self Care a la Shannon (not the actual name as of yet) coming to a computer near you.

Homo Out.

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