Thursday, September 27, 2012

BUT why are you so angry.

Among the notes and things I've gotten about my entry yesterday.

So today I'll be more plain and in depth about it.

Let's forget Lady Gaga because it's not personal with her.

To be perfectly clear here since my words yesterday were taken by some as me saying Thin White Ladies CAN'T do or talk about Body Acceptance.


The issue is when Thin White Women who are able bodied become the only voices worthy or given empathy when it comes to body acceptance or any issue really.

Whiteness as a thing is always and forever upheld. When it comes to "lady" issues, the face of those issues is all too often a Thin Pretty White Woman who is beleaguered by her own beauty. White Women particularly thin attractive White women are always given space, are always given room for their voices.

What ends up happening is they take shit over.

This is not okay with me.

When all of my work talking, writing about, talking to other people about bodies and acceptance gets boiled down and paraphrased by Thin White Women I get angry.

Every issue concerning women is overrun and often taken over by White women.

Feminism, Body politics, activism of many flavors.

White women are always given the benefit of the doubt, people will go to great lengths to defend the purity and beauty of White women always at the expense of POC. Always.

Think I'm the only person who thinks this?

How about some links about White Lady Privilege?

How about some links about how specifically this has impacted me?

Here's the thing.

I am angry because I have to fight tooth and nail to even be occasionally humanized muchless be treated as human. I am angry because people tell me that it's terrible for me to tell Thin White Ladies to shut the fuck up and let other people talk.

I'm angry because you can never tell Whiteness no.

You can never say NO I won't.

I am angry because too many people skipped right over my very salient points about the erasure of the fat people who have been working and suffering and writing and talking about bodies and acceptance to tell me to essentially stop being mean to the Nice White Ladies.

I am angry because it is always an issue when I refuse to be silenced, when I step out of my subordinate position in society to say no, Thin White Lady this is not the time for yours to be the voice of this issue. Be quiet.

I get told that it's awful that I'm  upset and people say shit like boo racism, but then turn around and tell me that I should stop being such a bully to the poor White people.

There is no body acceptance that is spear headed and visualized by Thin White Able Bodied Cis women anywhere that has anything to do with my body.

In case you can't tell from my photo on the top right or ALL the times I've mentioned it let me show you a photo:

This is why I still will not call myself a feminist.

SO many of you just don't understand how awful it is to tell me that I should hush up and let the nice White ladies go ahead.

So many of you refuse to acknowledge that there is no way and it is cruel to tell me either directly or indirectly that my Blackness shouldn't come into play. That I should scrape and step aside to make sure the White Ladies whom, we all know EVERYONE will rush to defend even when they are dead ass wrong.

This plays right into the trope that says that not only is it aspirational to want to look, be, and live like a Nice Thin White Cis Able Bodied woman but that if one vocally objects, or Gods forbid an Angry Black woman such as myself loudly says NO in no uncertain terms that it is in fact the poor White Ladies who are the victims.

If all you can do is come to the space of a woman of color and point out the plight of the poor white lady get the fuck out.

I have nothing for you.

I am not the droids you are looking for.

It is too exhausting and too painful for me to ask nicely, yell, beg and explain about these things.

If you can understand nothing else I've said understand this.

I am not the one with this bullshit. I am not going to be the sweet Negress who gently guides the White people to the promised land of understanding and harmony.


Because too many of you have fucked with me about it, bothered me, been deliberately obtuse until some other White person says oh hay this is fucked up.

So no.

That's not happening here right now.

Let us end here with me saying this.

If the only thing you understand about the righteous anger of a person who has had their work stolen, who has been run out of and excluded from spaces I am passionate about because I refuse to not be Black or refuse to let bullshit slide by for the cause; if the only thing you understand is awww what about the White ladies, find another blog to read.

That's all.

Homo Out.


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Bitch please no.

I am warning you.

If you are a Lady Gaga Fan, have easily hurt feelings or are a super fan of Bitch, Jezebel or Feministing you may want to skip me today.

So first let me say if LG has been suffering from eating disorders that's awful but that's not what I'm talking about here today.

I am so beyond tired of thin white women trying to take over Body Acceptance and turn it into a Thin Pretty White Lady thing.

First of all we all are aware that the Thin White Woman is the beauty ideal. Any fashion aside, LG does in fact fit that ideal.

Don't argue with me about it because you know it's true. Whether or not you like her aesthetic or her music if you put her in some jeans and a tshirt she fits in just fine.

Second of all, let me say directly.

Fuck you Bitch Media.

Fuck you Jezebel.

Fuck everyone who is suddenly on the accept yourself boat.

Why do I say that?

The message when people like LG and the ensuing media coverage come out as the faces of bodily acceptance is that Thin and White and Pretty is all that is good and right in the world. Look if you want to at Lady Gaga in her bra and panties. She is ever so "fat", it must be terrible existing in a body that you know is held up as a standard of what a "good" body is.

Terrible right?

My problem is that not one of these people is actually fat and when actual fat people say the same fucking things we are excoriated, bullied, hated and told to die.

Think I'm kidding?

Go read the comments on the interview I did at the Root.  That isn't even to mention having people who didn't comment there come here and tell me to enjoy my diabetes and early death.

Thin white lady posts pictures of herself in apparent misery because of some weight gain and people lose their minds trying to cry tears for her struggle.

Joyous fat people post pictures of themselves doing ANYTHING and not only giving the same messages but LIVING them and what do we get?

Look at what some people have to say in the FatKini thing on XOjane.

If those of us who are fat even dare to post pictures of ourselves shit happens.

I have nothing to say to people who after those of us actually living in bodies that are actively threatened on the daily, bodies that aren't even safe from the so called health industry. Bodies that are abused and hated and held up as the vision of everything wrong in the universe- all of us have been saying these things for fucking years.

The FIRST time I ever talked or wrote about was 15 years ago. I have been (as well as many other fat people) have been saying the SAME goddamn thing for decades now and yet, skinny white starlets have some bad body image and suddenly it's necessary to love your bodies right?

No fuck you.

I feel the same way when people suddenly seem to understand in FA circles that there is a lot of serious racism happening, that is constantly happening and after POC like me have blogged and talked and emailed and begged and PLEADED, suddenly another White person says Hey this is racist and suddenly it all makes sense.

Fuck that too.

This is why I have honestly gotten kind of tired of fat blogging.

I recognize that I am not a nice White lady, I know that to the majority of White people in FA my voice ain't shit.

Please don't take that as a statement that I"m not blogging or that I want pity it is a statement of fact.

When added in with the LG flavor of body acceptance (Thin and White is Right) all I can say is fuck you.

I do sincerely hope that if Lady Gaga has eating disorders that she is able to get treatment for them because no one should have to live with those if they don't want to.

That said, I need for her and every other Thin White Lady having a bad body image day to shut the actual fuck up because they are not saying anything new nor are they the ones in real danger.

That's all.

I can't with that bullshit today.

Homo Out.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

So Goth I was Born Black..just not yesterday.

Recently on tumblr this article from Coilhouse was linked and people are predictably pretty pumped.

As I talked about a lot last year I stopped reading or trying to be involved with a lot of Alt/Goth related things.

Now while I am yes a little glad that Black Goths are apparently being spotted, we are not exotic birds. We are not unicorns. We aren't even all that rare in a lot of places.

I have a lot of major problems with how Coilhouse did this.

First issue.

Could they not find a single person of color involved in the Alt/Goth scene to write this article? Of the blogs and websites they linked to, could they not have asked one of those people?

This is a problem.

Look. People of Color, especially those of us who might be older and have been doing this Freak shit for a long time might have a better perspective than OH WOW LOOK BLACK PEOPLE, which is how the article read to me.

This is a big part of why in recent years I haven't been as into Goth related events and going clubbing. I have had enough of that kind of thing to last a lifetime. As excited as someone may be to see some actual diversity in a scene, squeeing like you've seen a unicorn will only make said unicorn really uncomfortable and that is the vibe I got from the article.

I am honestly far too old to be excited when someone realizes I exist.

If a magazine like Coilhouse wants to do something positive, how about actually being more inclusive itself?

When Coilhouse started up I was actually excited. At first it seemed to deviate from the Thin Pretty White girls thing a little bit but honestly after two issues I stopped buying it.

This is another magazine/community(I say community since they have a blog and they interact there) that I look at and think to myself, what is here for me?


Second problem.

How are you going to call out Gothic Beauty when there are not (aside from this blog post) not a lot of POC in your own publication?

F'real though?

Pot say hello to kettle.

This article is unfortunate fluff.

This is what happens when Whiteness (as the cultural norm) says OH WOW LOOK.

It's not okay.

It's not exciting.

It is a problem.

Honestly, it is 2012. There is really no reason that any publication should be unable to instead of talking about POC, talk to POC or hear from the mouths of people of color.

It is the difference between pointing at me on the street and going, "no look there ARE Black Goths" and asking me about it. It is the difference between being an exhibit and being a part of the scene.

I find it frustrating. It's more frustrating because a lot of POC will take this crumb and celebrate. I'm not mad about that, I can't be because I was the same way for a long time. I am over pandering to White privilege and giving people cookies for seeing that I exist. That is no longer enough for me to even want to try to be part of a scene.

If as a culture the Alt world wants to do things, how about instead of pointing at the Brown people or letting everyone know we're here (hint we've been here for a long time) why not talk to us?

I think that's all I want to say about it right now. I won't go into the intersecting issue of so many normative bodies, the cult of pretty etc. If you would like to read more about my own Gothdom experiences here you can find a bunch of posts by me relating to my gothness.

And before I go let me say this. I'm not saying NO BAD COILHOUSE. I'm saying, c'mon dudes you can do better.

As a matter of fact let me say that 90% of Alt/Goth related publications can do fucking better. If you want to be awesome and inclusive don't just post some pictures and say LOOK WE GET IT. If you're going to be Alt offer some Alternatives to the Thin Pretty White People narrative and aesthetic.

Or at least try.

Okay that's all.

Homo Out.

Monday, September 17, 2012

For Fresh Faced and Cranky.

My darlings I've been sitting on a letter from one of our homies because I've been thinking about it deeply and you fresh faced, curvy and crotchety this is for you.

There is more to the letter which I'll address but this is the salient part:

And, for the love of all things holy, I do not want more attention from men. Not that I get a whole lot, but it's enough to enrage me, rather dangerously. I do not want male attention, since mentally, I am pretty much male. Or at least, very, very masculine.

I guess my question is, do you have any ideas on how to sculpt the body into something more male without resorting to near-death experiences involving surgery and that sort of thing? Let me state here, I know you don't necessarily advocate weight loss/diet things. Thing is, I do trust your advice far more than I trust most sites I've seen, fat acceptance or otherwise.
Okay first I am glad you trusted me to ask because we know I am not going to bullshit you because I love you. This is also going to be hard to read.

First thing.

From what you've said my friend, I think part of what you're feeling is dysphoria on an epic level. While you're reading this I want you to ask yourself a few questions and I am going to recommend some things as well.

The question, how much do you not want to be more feminine? That is important here because if you are a Trans* person you are going to have some really difficult choices both medical and personal ahead. If you haven't thought about that until now, think about it.

Next thing.

The short answer to your question about completely changing your body is yes and no.

Statistically speaking you could lose a shitload of weight but, you may not be able to keep it off without dangerous and disordered behaviors.

Once upon a time I too hated my curves. It wasn't necessarily a masculine thing for me but, I wanted to be hard. I wanted to look like Linda Hamilton in T2.  Unlike you I didn't ask anyone about this I just started doing it.

I won't go into obscene detail but, suffice to say I did EVERYTHING I was told I was supposed to do and beyond. My body never got those muscles, I did not have what I wanted and I was devastated.

Here's the thing my friend.

Unlike what the diet industry will tell you, you really just can't change the essentials of your body without major intervention that goes beyond exercise.

I won't tell you not to try but I will tell you that the ideas like: no pain no gain, and you can do it if you put your mind to it, are largely bullshit.

Look at some actual before and after pictures of people who have lost a shitton of weight. The fact is that overall bodyshape is going to stay the same.

You are free to try but I want you to know going in if that is what you decide to do, you may be disappointed.

Now you mentioned that you've gained a lot of weight. This is what I call misery weight. This is weight I am going to assume does not belong to you and it makes you feel bad. That is not awesome. I am fixing to get bossy so hold on to yourself.

First I want you to start taking care of yourself. Not because of fluffy rainbow filled body love but because you are a 36 year old person of color and you need to survive. So, in whatever way you can take better care of yourself. Drink more water, if you can walk an extra four steps a day do that. Take vitamins. I mean that. Take care of your insides too.

If you decide that you are not necessarily a Trans* person, perhaps a more genderqueer/genderfluid life is for you.

I suggest doing some research about binders and more masculine presenting clothes. You could also go the route of friends I've had and wear sports bras or minimizer bras. All of those may be uncomfortable but, it is up to you what you can and can't tolerate.

The next thing I want you to think about is shifting your view from OH SHIT I MUST LOSE WEIGHT to experimenting with other bodily changes.

What if you felt physically stronger? Have you considered getting into something like weightlifting?

That will not give you a masculine body per se, but it may alleviate some of your deep desire to change your body. It might make you feel mighty and carry yourself in mighty fashion.

That leads us to how you are treated.

I am willing to bet that as part of your aversion to male attention, you may walk around with your head down or shoulders slumped, or maybe looking as uncomfortable as you feel?

I am almost as old as you and routinely get treated like a child. I understand that I have a young face, I'm short, I'm chubby, I dress funny, I have metal in my face and often wear make up that is "not age appropriate". It pisses me off to no end.

I have noticed though that people do not try me when I look like I am not having it.

I stand with my back straight and my head up. Part of me dealing with that treatment is not allowing people to do it. I meet gazes straight on, I will cut someone off with a quickness if they are using diminutives or otherwise treating me like a child. When I need to I speak with absolute authority. Normally after that no one mistakes me for a teenager.

If you can work on learning to do this, I highly recommend it.

What I'm getting at (and I know you've figured me out by now) is that if you want to start a process of change, start inside.

Believe me, from years of failures I've learned that external changes will only go so deep.

Also if you do decide at some point that transitioning is for you, I want you to go into it as healthy as you can be. I say this because as a person of color it will be doubly hard. It's harder to get care, harder to just fucking exist and I want you to make it.

I want you to come out the other side of all this bullshit thriving and ready.

I also want you to remind yourself that as much as you might hate it right now, it is not all your body's fault. I want you to look at your body and if you need to apologize if you've been mean. I know how that sounds but look, your body can't be what you envision it all by itself.  You have to reseat yourself in your body and work together.

This is really fucking hard and I want you to have as many tools to help yourself if or until you seek professional advice.

Outside of your actual physicality, think about other changes you can make that are not expensive and may help alleviate some of what you're feeling.

Cut your hair? Try wearing a fade, start dreadlocks, go shiny bald.

I say hair because hair will grow back. Hair is malleable and I bet you could find a barbershop that you can afford.

I can't help you with the aging. Sugar, we are just crackle free. I never say this but you know what they say, Black don't Crack.

Now I have one last thing for you to do okay?

I want you to try out some small changes. I want you to give yourself some time with these things. Nothing is going to make you feel better overnight. Even if by some miracle you woke up tomorrow with the body of your dreams. We are not magical unicorns so we have to work.

Keep track of what makes you feel good, thinking about or actually cutting your hair, drinking more water, trying out taking a five minute walk at some point during your day. You won't change miraculously quickly buy give things at least a week or two.

Then after you've tried some things and thought about some things I want you to come back here and ask me more questions. Tell me how you are feeling and doing and we'll talk more okay?

Now, Fresh Faced and Cranky I love you. I want you to be as happy and healthy as you can and I am here to help.


Homo Out


Thursday, September 13, 2012

Welcome to my nonsense.

I am in an extra ridiculous mood.

My partner Uniballer budgeted out money for me to buy underpants, bras and other things for fall and I'm seriously excited.

Today my loves we fashion.

So we need to revisit my Fashion statement.

We know I am an old Goth.

I want to spend the remainder of my 30's rocking scary, tattery, trashy Goth.

This is Nazgul Realness.

For fall/winter I am returning to black messy trashy smokey eyes and almost black lips. Huge winged liner. Bi colored cat eye liner. I'm talking about do not fuck with me make up.

What's interesting is that when I do paint my face in what is clearly not an attempt to be pretty or natural, a lot of folks here in Seatown are not into it. I get a lot of stink eye and have had people ask me if I think I'd be able to get a job with that look, hint: I've had the same job for more than a decade. I get uncomfortable stares. People look at me like they've just smelled poop.

It amuses me.

Here's the thing a lot of the people who are uncomfortable don't understand.

I do not give a fuck.

It is always better for my self esteem and general well being when I remember that I can and will do whatever the fuck I want with my face.

That being what it is, I am excited about investing in more black eyeshadows (I MUST OWN ALL OF THEM) and more eyeliners.

Now back to clothing.

Y'all, I am really desperate to make the no pants except on rare occasions thing happen. I am investing in leggings, more boots, more tall socks because fuck pants.

No really fuck wearing pants.

BUT, unfortunately I get really cold and I don't tolerate it well so we shall see if I can make it happen.

I talked about this with Marianne on tumblr a while back but my ideal wardrobe has a lot of things that are layerable. I love wearing things that are deliberately slightly frumpy or worn out. I love to wear slips and sheer things and mix them with weird sweaters, asymetrical skirts and whatnot.

In a perfect world where size nor money were an issue things like this would be my winter go to wardrobe:

Ultimate winter.

Note the clash of finishes on the fabrics, fashion nonos such as the tattered skirt WITH the sweater.

If I had my way (and if I am able to make as many things as I would like to I might) day to day I would be dressed in this fashion give or take.

Now if I do have to wear pants I will return to my beloved jeggings. Boots, weird sweaters and layers of sheer shirts and whatnot.

For warmer weather I favor layers of slips and cardigans and things. I love the mix of meshes and them BAM a peek of skin.

I want to crochet myself some cardigans and wraps I can add hoods to, that needs to happen to add to my Nazgul Realness.

Along with these things, I have a love of tacky pattered and textured leggings. I love the idea of having a metallic leg or tackyprinted leg seen between the hem of my skirts and the top of my boot.

I have decided that it is imperative for me to dedicate more of my life to pleasing myself aesthetically.

So I keep wearing my severe buns in my hair, why I file my nails pointy and do fantastic things to them.

This my friends is next mother fucking level self care.

This is survival of the bad assest and I am bad ass enough to wear some tacky ass shit when I feel like it.

If I want to (ahem as one can see in the photo to your upper right) wear purple eyeshadow and matching purple lip gloss, I will.

If I want to subject people here in Seattle to all of my fat ass in a pair of skinny jeans while i"m walking with my back straight and head up, I will.

To steal a phrase from one of my favorite drag queens Latrice Royale,

I will make them eat it.

I will be ugly. I will be uncomfortably comfortable when I am painted like a drag queen at high noon.

I don't have to be pretty.

You don't have to be pretty.

Now for reference when I say pretty I am talking about the kind of pretty that is supposed to be aspirational and right in society.

I am not pretty like Nice White Ladies who work really hard to look natural and lovely.

I am pretty like smeared black eye shadow and big ass shiny black lips and fuck you.

So my darlings.

As the weather starts to turn, let's get weird.

Now if y'all will excuse me I am riddled with PMS and I am going to look at lipsticks.

Homo Out.

Please don't forget you can totally buy awesome make up from Detrivore though my link. Psst..her Halloween collection is the business.


Tuesday, September 04, 2012

So now my health isn't any of your business?

I am just recovering from what we will call the Epic Headcold of shit fuckery.

I also had another bad insomnia cycle which compromised my immune system and my body went fucknuts crazy.

So being that I have been ill, I find it insanely amusing that suddenly my health is nobody's business.

So let's put yet another light to the lie of people being concerned about the health of fat people shall we?

So last week, last Monday I was in the store and as happens in the store I commented about not feeling well to a cashier I like and I was lamenting my lack of appropriate appetite.

As I was walking out the women who had been standing behind me was walking somewhat next to me and said in a very rah rah tone of voice,

"Oh but I bet you'll lose a few pounds."

Not I hope you feel better. Not oh no, hey try this ginger tea with unicorn  pee in it to get over your cold.

Later on in the week I got a vitamin water (my favorite is the dragonfruit one) and some other water heavy fruit and veg to snack on because taking cold medication dehydrates me. Someone else felt the need to comment something about if only I'd bought a plain water I'd have a really healthy meal.

Now, if anyone who commented or gave me dirty looks in the store or as I was huffing (because I was so congested) along actually gave a tin shit about my actual "health" maybe they would have said hey, have you seen an ear nose throat specialist? Or hey, are you okay?

The lie of concern about my health is that all the concerned parties ever seem to care about is the actual size of my ass.

This isn't even down to lay people.

I actually phoned the insurance provided help line to see if I should come in and have my ears looked at. I didn't think so because I have a long long history of ear problems and can usually identify fairly quickly if it is an antibiotics situation or not.

That's all I needed. The nurse at the other end of the line was perfectly aware of what my actual problem is/was. Guess what she asked me FOUR goddamn times before giving me the information I requested?

Her: Would you like to consult with a bariatric specialist?
Me: No thank you.

Her: Are you aware that your coverage includes anti-obesity medication? Including appetite suppresants?
Me: No thank you I really don't think that would be appropriate for me given my current problem with eating enough to stay nourished also my drug history-

Her: Oh well you didn't seek treatment for this "drug history" (I could hear the air quotes in her voice) so you should try something else to deal with your weight.
Me: Really I don't want to.

Her: Well I should also let you know that through us (the insurance company) you can get a discount on Online Jenny Craig-
Me: Okay can you please let me know if I need to come in about my ears?

At this point she was annoyed and behaved as if I had asked her to read me the entirety of my War and Peace sized medical records.

She did finally give me the reminder/run down of when to come in. I said thank you and hung up.

That is not appropriate care. How it is that it took ten minutes to even get a no I think you're going to be fine answer about my possible ear infections, I can't even say.

Being that I had a legitimate health concern, HEALTH CONCERN and I was doing what people are supposedly supposed to do when they have one, why was I treated like my actual current moment problem was either secondary to how much I weigh and a burden when I made it clear I was not on the phone to talk about my weight?

This people is what happens when you are a fat person and try to take care of your health like a responsible adult.

This is inappropriate.

To take it further, I am a person who loves speedy drugs. I had an issue with them a while back. I am not someone it is appropriate to prescribe stimulants to. I have been prescribed them and not abused them but they are not good for me. It is not okay.

This is why 90% of the concern and hand wringing about the Obesity Crisis, is bullshit.

You cannot say out of one side of your mouth how concerned you are about the health of an obese person, and out of the other be a total fucking asshole if someone fat is you know doing things to support their health.

It shows you to be a liar.

Similarly if all of your arguments against anything a fat person says ever culminate in any of the following:

  1. Enjoy not being sexy
  2. Enjoy your diabeetus
  3. I hope you don't use my health care when you get X (insert disease correlated with being sedentary here)
Etc, you are a lying ass liar.

If the fact that I am unable to get adequate BASIC HEALTH care needs taken care of with the insurance I've had through my job (the same as the thin people I work with) and aren't outraged, you are a liar.

If the fact that you don't find me aesthetically appealing is your sole basis for any judgement about me you make, you ain't about shit.

Which is to say you are worthless and your opinions are worthless.

If you are so concerned about the health of obese people everywhere, give me one good reason it's okay for me not to get adequate health care or BASIC preventative care. 

Just one logical reason that has nothing to do with how attracted you are to me or rants against Obamacare etc.

Now that's all for today. I am still not really feeling well and my head hurts.

Homo Out.

OH wait, I will come back and do your thing Anthony. Tomorrow. :*


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