So I alluded to a thing I wanted to talk about but was feeling weird about it.
I'm feeling like I'm about to come out of the closet. It's weird.
Anyway the thing is my body.
Things happening to my body.
Let me back up a little bit here.
For the last three years or so, my life has been really stressful. Financial issues due to my partner losing and regaining benefits. Health issues for both my partner and I. Some really crazy making shit.
So during the last few years my body has filled out a solid size 16ish.
A while back Uniballer commented that he thought I'd lost some weight and I poopooed it.
Then it started getting cold and I had to wear pants I hadn't worn since last winter.
They fell off.
Y'all, y'all know how I feel about pants and I panicked. Full blown poverty fueled OH MY FUCKING SHIT HOW AM I GONNA STAY WARM WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED OH SHIT ALERT ALERT...
I'm talking disco freakout meltdown.
I have not been in touch or friendly with my body in a while. I have a problem when I don't feel well or can't do things.
I had to sit down and painfully start figuring out what was going on.
So one thing, the stress has lifted. Partner has his benefits, health benefits, financial. Because of our increased financial stability we've been eating better.
I was afraid I wasn't eating enough. I have problems recognizing hunger before my blood sugar crashes. More so when I'm depressed, stressed out or having a bad period of insomnia.
So I did one of those things that is so hard, I got naked and had a good long look in the mirror. I tried on every pair of pants I own and yep, Uniballer was not seeing things I lost some weight.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried in the shower because I didn't want to spend money to buy new pants. Yes, that is what upset me. Buying more pants.
I got over it and can say that as of now I'm fitting into an Old Navy 14 pants comfortably. Ass, hams n all.
I'm having a lot of feelings about this, none of which are happy.
I need to buy new bras, I have huge boobs that don't shrink but half a cup when I am +/- say 50 pounds. My band size has gone back down to a 38.
My cute underwear I got just a few months ago doesn't fit.
Objectively I'm okay. I'm about the same size I was back in 2007 or so when Torrid was my favorite girlfriend and I could religiously (as I found out while digging in my closet) wear their size 12 pants with no problem.
But, BUT here's the other problems.
I've been looking for a new doctor and one of the things I mentioned on a new patient survey (I'm on the wait list for that doc) is that I've lost some weight and am concerned. I want to make sure there's nothing wrong.
Rather than leaving that in my areas of concern on the return email, the first thing the fucking note said was congratulations.
Because I said I am fat.
Er, no I think I put obese. Whatever.
No advice about what to look for if there is a problem, no questions about appetite or yanno, things that could indicate a problem. Just congratulations on the weightloss you didn't want in the first place.
That makes me so angry and frustrated. I feel like I'm already behind the 8 ball on this. I don't want pats on the back I want to be certain it isn't indicative of any other problem.
And my other big problem and it's a doozy.
I'm afraid that I will lose more weight. Why? Because I honestly don't really like how it looks when I'm much smaller than I am now.
I have been everything from a size 4-20 and my self esteem was the lowest when I was the thinnest. I mean, honestly when I was thin it was supposed to be great right?
It was pretty awful for me. I had the worst time finding clothes because I didn't want to wear tight clothes which, being broad shouldered and busty at every size, everything wound up being. I had problems wearing pants (same one I do now) because I have big thighs even at a size 4 and no size existed that fit me right.
I don't like it.
I'm a little afraid of that.
To keep that from happening I've been very vigilent about making sure I'm eating enough. Especially days when I haven't slept.
I have ridden this ride before in terms of trying to get adequate health care and everything. I don't want to do it again. I don't want to spend time convincing a doctor that no, NO I really am not okay with more weightloss, no I don't want help with it in terms of losing more weight, I just want to be treated for the problems I have.
I also am having some trouble dressing myself because in some things I fit straight sizes, in other things I need plus sizes. I don't like not knowing what of my clothes will fit.
I don't want to wear saggy ass pants.
I'm trying to keep a sense of humor about it. I tease myself about my tiny pants. But I'm nervous.
I feel like I've lost touch with my body in a bad way and I'm struggling to get back in touch with it. It's harder because my body is displeasing me. My knees are swelling and hurting, I'm pretty sure that this may be the year I get diagnosed with some kind of arthritis rather than the ubiquitous you're just fat.
Maybe this doctor will take my life long insomnia seriously.
Maybe this doctor won't make me do fasting glucose testing repeatedly. Did I ever tell you guys about that? A while back, I went to a doctor and I was weighed in at something like 210 pounds and immediately the doctor decided that since I was over 200lbs and black I had to be diabetic.
I did the test once and she accused me of cheating because my fasting levels were on the cusp of low normal/low problem. She decided I hadn't eaten for two days because yanno, fat.
She made me do it again. SAME results, no apology. All I got was a migraine from low blood sugar and my time wasted.
I'm frustrated, scared and anxious.
Will this be the doctor to help me be as healthy as I can be? Or am I going to wind up asking for nothing and dealing with my various health problems on my own?
I don't know.
SO there it is.
My shrinking ass secret.
I'm not as fat as I was.
In retrospect it's not that big of a deal but it is a big deal. As it is, I try to dodge any discussion on weightloss with most people because I just don't want to deal with it or feel pressured to explain why I'm not excited about it.
I'm also not excited because I had a holiday season outfit of AWESOME all picked out featuring an Asos skirt someone gave me but the skirt doesn't fit anymore.
Not excited about that.
I guess that's all.
No wait, here is the first full length photo of me I've taken in a while.
The outfit I wore today. LOOK NO PANTS. I am excited about the winter weight leggings I got on Ebay that kept my hams warm without having to wear real pants.
But yeah there I am.
Now I turn to you my homies, do you have any advice for me?
It's going to be okay right?