Monday, February 27, 2012

Show them how many fucks you don't give.

With all this talk of learning how to give no fucks about how others feel about you being attractive I have an excellent from my actual life example.

Last week while I was on the bus a man whom I wasn't speaking to nor expressing any interest in decided to tell me how much more attractive I would be without "that thing in my face". By that thing he means the big ass silver hoop in my lip.

Just so we're all clear I don't know this dude, I have never seen nor spoken to him before, and like many other people I have come across in my life something about me makes him uncomfortable.

In this case, it is the fact that I have a very apparent facial piercing that I a.) don't try to downplay and b.) really stands out on my face.

Just like most of the rest of society this dude was dead serious about his "suggestion".

He wanted me to be more attractive to him personally. He wanted to find me fuckable and acceptable in his world view so that world view would not be upset by me not conforming.

Normally when people say things like this to me they probably expect I'm going to freak out on them or they expect that I'm going to do something else that will justify at that point them treating me badly or talking down to me.

Now let's pause for a minute and think about this type of behavior.

When someone who doesn't know another person, has never seen or spoken to them and is not trying to get a date decides to share their unsolicited opinion about that person they aren't really trying to be helpful. Most of the time this behavior is a manner of exerting force over another human being. Often it is a way for passive aggressive people to be absolute assholes while "trying to be nice".

Here's the thing. You're not trying to be nice if you are telling me who wants nothing to do with you, how I should look, what I should wear, what I should read etc.

What you're doing is being disrespectful of my personhood on a very very deep personal level.

Furthermore let's look at what happens when we react badly to this sort of thing.

If you snap back at someone when they say this it reinforces their need to not like you.

Let's assume that we're all told not to dislike people because of their appearance. If someone says, "you'd be cute if you lost ten pounds" and you respond "hey fuck you buddy" your response gives that person a "reason" to dislike you and they can feel like they are the bigger person because afterall they were only trying to be helpful right?

Wrong.

Often these people are looking for a reason aside from your appearance to dislike you so they feel justified in their initial dislike.

Then there are the people looking to fill a victim role when the mean old Ugly/fat/whatever person rebuffs their supposedly good intentions.

There are also those who think they are being helpful and when they are told things are not going the way they want react badly.

Now my reaction to this dude was to look him dead in the eye, arch an eyebrow and say very very slowly. "uh..huh."

I gave him no energy. Not approval, I didn't yell, I didn't tell him to fuck off I just said that and stared.

I did not look away. I let him experience all of the fucks I do not give about his opinion on my looks with the no-expression on my face. He flubbered a little and stammered something then I shook my head and went back to reading my magazine.

He walked away shame faced.

It hurts people like this when we show them with our silence, blank faces and expectant stares that we don't give a fuck.

The beauty of learning to give no fucks about random douchebags like this is that it does nothing but help you and maybe teach those people not to be assholes.

Win win situation.

Now you my darling dears have homework.

The next time someone gives you their unsolicited advice about anything and they know nothing about you, I'm talking anything. If they comment on your car, your shoes, your groceries, your hair, your whatever don't get mad.

Instead invoke my spirit and very slowly say ....uh huh. Then just stare at them. You can also say, "oh really...." also very slowly. You can say, "excuse me do I know you?"

Resist the temptation to lecture, teach or otherwise engage. Say that one little thing and wait it out. Watch them squirm. If you can do it raise an eyebrow as if to say, "okay AND?"

You can also use one of my favorite Katt Williams sayings and say, "go ahead, I'll wait"

Use some interwebs style tactics.

Can you already do that? My next level response is usually sarcasm. Dead pan sarcasm.

Things like:

"Thank you so much you style maven you."

Or my very favorite also dead pan, "thanks I'll get right on that."

Yes. Seriously. In this day and age sometimes it works to just pull a meme out of your brain if for no other reason than it might shut someone up. Further, using meme language can denote to someone how many fucks you give without you needing to say look how many fucks I give.

Next thing I will do one of my yearly posts about aging, my birthday and the state of my ass.

Now go forth my homies, I encourage you to do your homework. And yes, even if you can't do these things in meatspace yet do them on the internets.

Homo Out.
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Monday, February 20, 2012

Beauty, birthday incoming and other fluff.

My darlings, guess what?

I'm almost officially 35.

I also have a plan.

As of my 35th birthday I am re-embracing how gloriously trashy I like to look.

I am calling it Operation Trashy at 35.

It is starting with me FINALLY seriously learning how to do my hair.

My hair has been natural for a couple of years now and you guys, my hairs are beautiful. However I've been wearing it in a bun for so long and I"m kind of not good at styling. BUT I am GOING to have some big ass curly hair once warmer weather hits.

To further hair fabulousness I'm also going red. Dark red that will make my head glow in the sun. Phase 1 of that plan was completed last night. Pics when my hair is dry.

What else?

I have been thrifting and collecting pieces of clothing. Slips, fuzzy wraps, sheer things.

Also fashion tip for my fatties and non fatties alike, also really fat fat fatties.

Seriously if you have a Fashion Bug store in your area keep your eye on it. They had a big sale this weekend and I got about 150$ worth of stuff for 60$. Including a weird maxi dress, this shark bite cardigan I've been eye fucking for months, a lacy tshirt that I am SO excited to have and some nail polish (I couldn't resist) AND a bracelet. The dress and cardigan alone would have been over 100 if not for the clearance and sale.

Another word about fashion bug. My Fat Goths. FB is an excellent resource for individual things that are easy to goth up. Also their sizing in knit wear tends to be pretty stretchy/fudgeable so if they don't have something in your exact size always ALWAYS try a size down or up.

I am serious my homies.

Now what else?

OH right.

So my beauty aesthetic as far as what make up I'm wearing lately has shifted from so many super bright eye looks to lots of cat eye liner, messy smokey eyes and big ass purple, blackened red or black lips.

Something about a deep deep bloody dark lip makes me feel so fucking glamorous. Can we talk about some of my favorite lippies right now?

My newest love from the always wonderful Fyrinnae (not just their products I love them too) is this Lip Lustre called Diabolic Masquerade. I haven't seen it on someone pale skinned but on me, it is magnificent.

For serious.

Also again my broke friends, do check out indie companies for eyeshadows and other glam supplies. A lot of companies do very affordable samples and for 10-20 bucks you can find a lot of pretty things to try.

Also I've gone back to Fyrinnae's loose powder for oily skin. It has ruined me for all other loose powders as Mac Blot Powder has ruined me for all other pressed powder.

Super oily skin or no I prefer an unnatural matte face. It's just how I like and those products give it to me.

Also other notes on turning 35.

I find it interesting that contrary to the dire predictions of several doctors I had in my mid-twenties I am not a gazillion pounds and housebound. Yes, I did actually have a doctor suggest to me that was my fate because I told her I stopped exercising as much because it was a.) exacerbating my insomnia which was antithetical to why I'd upped my work outs to begin with and b.) was causing me so much pain sometimes I had trouble walking.

I am not right now the fattest I've ever been. I think at my fattest I was a solid 18-20 and am right now right smack ass between a 14 and 16 in clothes from most stores.

I forget what else I was going to say about that.

Right, birthday trashy and whatnot.

My birthday is March 16 and I'm still not entirely sure how I'm celebrating exactly.

What else?

Incoming righty right.

I have a confession to make my homies. Finishing the rewrites on my essays has been holy shitfuck hard.

I am of the mind that it's not good if it doesn't hurt but goddamn y'all. I am not really ready to release them and I feel awful about that. I feel like a lying ass liar because you guys can't really see how much work I've put into them yet and I'm afraid everyone will hate them once I get them out.

So yeah that's where I am at with them. I think I'm going to make myself put them away for a month and come back to it.

I'm also working on other things and I'm frankly really freaked out and elated.

FREAKED OUT AND ELATED.

These feelings happening at the same time in my heart are making me more generally freaked out than usual, which is a lot.

So yeah. That is where I am at.

I am okay and contentish I'm just full of many feelings and I'm not sure what exactly to do with them all.

Other fluffy things.

If any of you sees or um knows about any black smooth leather (or pleather) Torrid flatish OTK boots in black please send the Fat Signal and let me know. My Spring aesthetic is SCREAMING for black OTK boots. I prefer no pointy toe and no scrunching but will suffer either of those if I must.

Okay now my darlings I'm off to do research about doing my hairs.

And later this week I'll remember to post my various wishlist links since two of you remembered that my birthday is coming and asked.

Homo Out.
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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

What if strangers think you're ugly?

All right so yesterday I asked you to think about what would really happen if someone you see on the street thinks you're ugly or unattractive.

Now let's make it a thing in our heads.

You (or I) hell we are out, let's say you and I are hustling to make reservations at somewhere swanky and are dressed up all to the nines.

We pass what we'll call Random Dude A.

Random Dude A looks at us, decides we're ugly.

Now, here's where things happen.

Let's pause our imaginary scenerio and think about it. How does Random Dude A finding us unattractive actually impact our night or our lives?

We aren't mind readers, we are not trying to get into Random Dude A's pants. He doesn't know either of us. If we are in a mid sized city we are probably never going to see Random Dude A ever again.

To work the idea let's say you are walking down the street alone. Maybe you are heading to work, maybe you are going to the bank where ever you are going you have shit to do.

You have a life. You have things that need getting done. You have yourself and perhaps other people to care for.

As you are going about your business, paying bills, buying shoes, picking up babies, taking care of self, buying food, getting your nails done, putting gas in the car, getting a job, etc etc etc you are going to encounter a whole horde of people who probably don't think you're attractive.

98% of these people are people you are never going to talk to, have relationships with, hold hands with, they are never going to buy you clothes, they are never going to be in charge of your life, they are never going to be in your universe in any capacity beyond passing faces.

Now, really think about (and be honest) how can these people or their opinion of your face and body matter to you on any large or small scale?

The next thing we need to ask ourselves is this, do we really need on any level to have people who are and will remain strangers think we are attractive or not ugly?

I know that our culture tells us that everyone is supposed to find us super hot and fuckable all the time but really?

We are instructed that we need to make sure these innumerable strangers find us acceptable on a visual basis.

In all actuality these strangers have nothing to do with us.

Now think about this, if Random Dude A thinks that you are the ugliest person ever and says so, your feelings might be hurt. But before you take this to heart (and I'm talking entirely from my actual life here) think about what does that really have to do with you?

If someone you don't know, have never seen, takes time out of your day and theirs to tell you that you're ugly they are being an asshole.

Do you really need the kind of asshole who does that in your life?

Do you need for this asshole to be your friend? Do you respect them? Does that behavior make you want to get to know them better?

To make that a bigger issue, all those people who don't think you're hot or even attractive in general, do you or I really need to go some extra mile to impress them?

We all have other shit to do.

I'm not talking about looking for a spouse or sex. We'll get to that.

I'm talking about friends or loved ones.

Think about the people you like. The people you care about be they friends or family.

Is your interest in them based purely on how attractive they are?

Seriously sit with that. Think about it before bringing it back to yourself.

If we suppose that no we don't need for every Random Dude/ette to think we are the most gorgeous things on the planet and fall to their knees at our feet, if we don't want people in our lives who only care for us on the condition of our continuing hotness, doesn't it seem like a logical step to say that we don't give a hot fuck if Random Dude thinks we're hot?

This is how we get to the glorious place of not giving a hot fuck.

Not. One.

Now we are going to get to some hard stuff.

This is stuff that no one can give you from outside of your own heart and soul.

WE have to grow it from inside.

That said, I am sharing my seeds (shit I love a dragged out metaphors don't I?) with you so you can grow your own fucks not to give.

Your homework my darlings is to sit with the things I've said today. I want you to imagine how awesome life can be without giving jerkass people your time, your feelings or your energy.

I'm talking about close your eyes, imagine someone says "OH YOU UGLY BITCH" and you look at them, and keep on stepping. You are going to the bank/store/work. You have things to do. You are reading books, you have shit to do and no time or desire to deal with jerkass no. 1.

I am giving you permission to take some time and if you're not ready to live that moment, I am telling you, you CAN imagine it.

Now, I love you my darlings.

Tomorrow instead of ugly we're going to talk some fatshion and some new things I've figured out. I also need to talk about my ass. Also when the weather warms up I will do a little picture review of the Sock Dreams socks I've been collecting.

Y'all know I don't really "do" Valentine's day but if you do, I hope you are having a lovely one.

Homo Out.
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Monday, February 13, 2012

Oh well whoops.

SO apparently I took a bit of an unplanned hiatus.

I could say that I had nothing to say but that wouldn't be true.

I'm gonna be honest.

As I started my posts about beauty last November, in the ensuing months I started to see other posts and articles and things around the internets that were basically saying a lot of the same things I was.

I'm not going to post links and rant and rave but I will say that I felt somehow icky.

I saw some of this stuff in blogs where I know the bloggers read me and it felt icky.

And I kept feeling icky about it.

So I've been flailing and avoiding it.

I still feel weird and I've talked it over with a few people and I finally decided to calm down. I'm okay.

I will also continue the ugly posts but right now I want to talk about the kerfluffle over Karl Lagerfeld saying Adele is too fat and the response by Margaret Cho.

First thing is how is anyone ever surprised about the shit that comes out of Karl Lagerfeld's mouth?

He's been notoriously bitchy about fat people for years.

I mean seriously people?

Also let's be real about context here.

In the world of pop singers, starlets and fashion Adele is fatty fat fat fat. She's also stated on numerous occasions that she does not publicly give a damn if people say she's fat.

And Karl, back to Karl.

Karl Lagerfeld is a fashion designer. There are very few if any designers who do coutoure who have any real idea of what the bodies of average women look like. That is a fact my friends.

No matter how much any designer says they love women they don't love the actual bodies of actual women. They love idealized versions of womens bodies.

Even non famous designers can't deal with actual women. Watch any "real" women episode of Project Runway and the like and the thought of hips and thighs sends designers into fits of OH NOOOOOOOOOO OH SHIT.

Now on to Margaret.

Full disclosure I have been a Margaret Cho fan girl since the first time I saw her do stand up on TV.

I have fucking loved her like I wanted to be her girlfriend/little sister/everything.

Here's her response to Karl as reposted at Jezebel.

I have a lot of issues/feelings about this.

The first being why go so hard for someone famous who at least publicly is doing just fine?

I mean yes Adele's feelings might have been hurt but in the grand scheme of things she's fine.

Unlike the rest of us, Adele has stylists and people to make sure her already pretty self looks fantastic and that's great.

Where was this fire for say Gabourey Sidibe? Who frankly is in a far more vulnerable position as a fat person who is not only fat in Hollywood but also Black in Hollywood?

Where is that fire and that response for those of us wandering around fat in the every day world?

Also while yes I'm really glad Margaret is in a better place with her own body image, I'm having the feeling that the YAY ALL BODIES is not really there.

For instance I've emailed her people (whomever does merch for her website) and her numerous times over the last few years because I've wanted to purchase merch and support her because she's a beloved artist but I'm sized out. See here. I've never gotten a response.

I'd even be happy with a too bad so sad fatty type answer because it would be an answer.

Here's the thing.

For every celebrity who is either not fat anymore or wasn't fat to begin with who says love your body, I want to see something more than words behind that.

By that I mean don't just tell me you love my fatass, show me. Make the effort to provide merch. Go that hard for people who aren't mainstream pretty and already famous.

This isn't' personal to Margaret because as I said I fucking love her, this is just what reading her response triggered in my brain.

It's the same way I feel about stars of varying sorts who give a lot of lip to the I love my body and then debut their brand new ever so much better bodies.

It just leaves me kinda cold.

That's all I have to say about that.

Now what else my darlings?

In my unintended absence I've been writing up a wee storm. Find all of my up to date writing news here.

And before we get back to the posts about ugliness I want you all to do something.

Look at someone on the street and imagine what your life would be like if that random person didn't find you attractive.

Go ahead and do it, pick anyone.

Let that marinate and I will see you all tomorrow my darlings.

Homo Out
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