Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I am not a real feminist.

Yesterday and in the past couple of months I've got some new readers (HI HOMIES) and I've gotten a lot of questions about feminism and it's been a while since I've talked about my relationship with feminism.

Now if you want a short version, I do not and refuse to identify as a feminist period.

Stay tuned for the longer story.

For background my first exposures to feminism were not good.

Early on when I started reading about feminism as a concept I was happy. Conceptually the basic tenets of feminism are great. However the application and discussion of them over the years have proven to be more and more problematic.

When I was in my late teens and early 20's my experiences (also let's note I had no internets at that time) were mainly wrapped up in things like lesbian separatism, sex negative, shaming grossness.

Yes for my new homie, most of the wardrobe shaming and victim blaming for harassment I got was from feminists. Always from feminists I respected and thought were so smart at the time because they were in or graduating from college and I was a customer service rep/occasional sex worker.

Through my mid 20's, most of my interaction with feminists consisted of being called a slut. Being told that my love of all things beauty related was me being a slave to the patriarchy (I wish I was exaggerating), that me wearing the trashy tight/short/skimpy clothing I favored at the time was me asking to be disrespected not just by men but worse by self proclaimed feminists.

Over the years, the worst bouts of ugliness I've had in my wee blog here and in other interactions on the nets have been with feminists.

I have watched "famous" well respected feminists get away with gross racism with impunity "for the good of the cause", I have watched them steal from women of color with that same impunity. I have been chased out of discussions because I am "too sensitive" or "pulling the race card" when pointing these things out.

I have spent eons of time in the last say ten years, trying to distance and separate myself from feminism and feminists because I have the audacity to suggest that shaming another woman because she doesn't make the same choices as you might make, whether it be being involved with sex work, wearing sexy clothes, kink, fat, whatever makes you worse than a straight up misogynist because, if feminism tells us anything one of those things is that we are supposed to have some invisible sisterly solidarity that only seems to exist when you are a Nice White Lady or if you will toe the Nice White Lady Party Line.

Fuck that.

To watch the grossest behavior of the gross, go read any of the popular supposedly feminist blogs when it comes to matters of fat or race.

Frankly I refuse to be party to or involved in, any movement that insists regularly and with a straight face that I ever figuratively kowtow to keep the peace or keep the shape of some bullshit fake ass solidarity.

I won't participate in anything that over and over again insists I divorce myself from my Blackness, while telling me that I should keep talk about said Blackness to myself because it makes Nice White Ladies uncomfortable.

I have experienced being booted from a conversation because when I pointed out that the OP in the discussion was saying gross racist things, that it hurt her feelings so I needed to stop.

I have been called things like stupid, slut, bitch, asshole, talked down to, condescended to etc more often by feminists than I have by men or non feminists.

That is an absolute fact.

In the grand scheme of my life, I have been more damaged by feminism as it is done in modern times than I have by a lot of other things.

Here's the bottom line.

At the ripe old age of 35 I have very defined boundaries when it comes to what I will and won't put up with for a cause.

I do appreciate when I see things like the phrase talking about my feminism will be intersectional or it will be bullshit (who actually said that? Anybody know? THANK YOU ANON, it is from Tiger Beatdown read it here) however, I can't get behind statements when I see a constant failure to stand behind it.

I will not stand behind an identifier that on a scale of good and bad, gives more bad.

And the bad has been so personal. So incredibly personal. I wish I still had some of the emails I've exchanged with anti sex feminists, anti racism yet so fucking racist feminists. From "educated" feminists trying to explain to me why I am ever so wrong about my dress/how I speak/etc.

This isn't a decision I came to lightly. It took years and a lot of pain and tears. I won't even get into the levels of trans-misogyny, trying to talk about privilege or the epic fuckery that is trying to get any Famous Nice White Lady to admit wrong doing without caveats and my forever least favorite phrase "but that's not how I meant it".

No.

I read around in feminist circles still and I frankly don't see a time anytime soon when I feel like I would be comfortable reclaiming feminist as an identifier.

In my own optimal future there will be some kind of epic breaking point and things in feminist circles will improve and I won't feel this way. I'm not optimistic about this.

As for feminism as it is now you can have it I don't want it and it doesn't want me.

And that's okay.

Now homies, I'm going to do a thing tomorrow or Friday and we're gonna have to talk more about health moralism because I had an A HA moment last night.

Look for that.

Now Homo Out.
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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

That kind of girl.

So I was reading this piece over at XOjane (yeah I know, I only read two people there it cuts down on the rages) by Marianne and yes.

This bit speaks to me in particular:

 Because no kind of girl is superior to another kind of girl if they are all good people. Some folks ARE appearance-obsessed shopaholics.
In my early exposures to feminism as a teenager I experienced a lot of the don't be a stereotypical girl type bias. Back then naturally I had no defense and no idea I could defend myself and my identity. My identity was still doughy, still forming and that shit fucked me up but good.

As I got out of my teens I met with yet more of that when I started frolicking with lesbians. Unfortunately for me, the lesbians I knew at the time were very rooted in anti-femmeness.

That was clearly not for me.

Now that I'm older I come across a lot of rhetoric and intertubes bullying that implies that because I am fat I shouldn't bother being fancy.

A lot of people who embrace and believe the idea that if you are a fat person you have "let yourself go" or that if you dress sexy or super sharp or with an absolute aesthetic flavor, that you are somehow trying to "make up" for being fat.

I have had people ask me if I wore crazy make up (which yes sometimes I do) or wear all black, in the hopes that people wouldn't see that I am fat.

The immediate answer to that is are you dumb?

Seriously.

What on earth ever could make anyone who looks at me and my body, think that some bright ass eyeshadow or seven pounds of eyeliner (which I'm wearing today) would not notice that I am a little fat lady?

Are you for real?

Here's the thing.

As I have said for years, how I dress, do my hair, do my make up is for my own pleasure.

For her pleasure.

In the same way that I would not retire my skinny jeans to make some random skinny girls on the street comfortably I will not change my appearance to make anyone else happy.

This includes feminists who have and will shame me for wearing "feminine" things. For those who told me that me wearing high heels was like a slap in the face (quoted from my actual life) for the ones who told me that looking like a whore (red lipstick, tight/short clothes etc) was a "call" to get assaulted and when I was harassed and touched inappropriately in a club they said I shouldn't have been wearing that.

Yes they did.

This includes the lesbians who told me I couldn't be both a lesbian AND get my nails done.

I wish any of this was hyperbole or say fifty years ago but it wasn't.

It also includes anyone who decides I can't wear a babydoll, tight pants, short skirts, thigh highs or whatever because I'm fat.

In all practicality I have a philosophy about this kind of thing.

If you aren't paying my bills or putting clothes on my ass keep your fucking mouth shut.

And if you do decide to take me to task about my tight ass pants and mile of cleavage, prepare to get read to filth because I will not have that.

I am not the one.

While I love talking about presentation and self identification and flying freak flags, I will not dabble in participate in or tolerate telling anyone how they should or shouldn't live in their own skin.

There is a level of presumption and disrespect inherent in the idea that anyone can tell another person how to live in their own skin it astonishes me.

It is one thing to share your own experiences or if someone says I need help with this to give your opinion about it. But the idea that it's okay to ever just give it like that, ugh.

I can't.

No it's not that I can't.

I won't.

I do not give a hot fuck.

Not. One. Fuck.

As evidenced by how I dress frequently.

The day I decided to be whatever the fuck kind of girl I want to at any given moment, so much of my internal stress and upset melted away.

I walked with my back straighter.

My self esteem went up.

I started figuring out how sometimes I really just need to be as absurd as I feel like I need to be because it makes me feel good.

I'll give you an example. When I was about 23 or so I was having a super shit month. Nothing went right, I felt bad, I was ill, I was broke, none of my cute clothes fit. I felt all over awful. I happened to be grocery shopping at the dollar store and saw one of those headbands with the deedly antennae on it. I bought it on a whim, jammed it in my backpack and forgot about it.

At some point on the bus I found them in my bag, put them on and went on about my day running around downtown.

Most adults frowned at me. Someone lectured me about "attention" seeking.

And then I met a very cute little girl wearing major thick glasses, I told her I liked her glasses and she told me she liked my antennae. She said I looked like a shiny ant, I said she looked like a little flower face. I told her that her glasses were cool and the smile that lit up her face fueled me for a week.

One of the things making me miserable during that time was my closet full of normal grown up clothes. Sensible khaki pants, things that are fine for other people but they are not my jam.

For me a big part of me feeling good in my skin is the ability to show how I feel on my outsides whether it's make up, cocktail dresses worn to work, stompy boots or gaudy ass jewelry.

For me, I need to be that kind of girl because it makes me feel good and the only person that will shore up my feel goods is me.

For those of you my homies who aren't super sure about these things, I invite you to give no fucks about what anyone including me says.

Do what makes you feel good and strong and wonderful.

Wear what you feel like you need to wear.

I realize we can't dress however we please everywhere, I have the privilege of having a job where I can be as ridiculous as I want to and I know not everyone does.

Do what you need to in your actual life to help yourself feel good.

Fuck what people say.

If someone gives you one of those stank face up and down looks, you square up those shoulders look them in the eye and make them eat it.

Make them behold all those fucks you don't give.

If they speak you do what you need to in order to make sure you feel good about how you walk away. If that means giving the finger, give the finger. Maybe that means you tell them to fuck off. Blow them a kiss, do what you have to do.

Remember my darlings.

Other peoples feelings about how you live in your skin is none of your business and has no real bearing on your actual lived life. Some people no matter how you dress or how you look are going have some bullshit to say about you.

That's okay.

It's not the end of the world.

And you, you my wonderful homie do not need to give not one fuck.

Not.

One.

Fuck.

Now. I love you my  homies and haters. Go forth, be absurd, be beautiful.

Homo out.




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Monday, June 25, 2012

Actual Fat problems.

A lot of anti fat people like to go on and on about the myriad awful problems we fat people have. Not just some of us of course but all of us since yanno, we're all ONE headless fatty on the news.

So I thought I'd share my personal fat problems. Perhaps thin people you can help me solve them.

  • Panties and pants. Now if you're new to me and my little blog here, I will tell you I loathe both panties and pants. The problem is that right now as I am, I am smack between a size 14-16 from the waist down. There is about a 13" difference between my very high up natural waist and the broadest point of my hips. Low rise pants here's what happens. I have very big thighs, big hips and not much booty meat. A size 16 pair of low rise pants or equivalent underpants size fits in the low waist and nowhere else. The same thing in a size 14 will most likely not fit my thighs but will hit my high waist just fine.
So I'm sure at least someone will say well just lose weight! Cause weightloss fixes everything?

Actually not really. See when I was anywhere from a size 4-10 I had the exact same problem. There was a line of thongs I used to buy by the truckload from Frederick's of Hollywood that solved most of the underwear problems but they changed them and I don't like them anymore.

Aside from wearing as many skirts and dresses as possible, thin people tell me what to do. You want to do that right? 

  • Pap Smears and mammograms. Now it's not that nobody can get to my pussy. If I can tickle my own G Spot someone with a speculum and flashlight can see clear through to heaven. When I go to the gyno all I really want out of life is to get my cervix prodded, a culture taken and for a doctor to say looks all good in there or oh hey what's going on in here? I go for a mamogram I want my titty squished on a plate, then I want a call to tell me all clear and my scar tissue from the breast reduction I had about 20 years ago.  Instead what I wind up getting is 80% of the time being lectured or having a doctor or other medical "professional" try to talk me into illnesses I don't have, warning me about my mortality or otherwise not doing what I actually need. When I am persuing the all important Health, it seems like rather than helping me along my merry way in doing so, most doctors I come into contact with want me to be an illness (obesity) rather than a person with some health foibles.
What do I do?

See thin folks for reference even when I -was- thin I was still treated this way because I had been fat. So the disease lectures turned into scare tactics that essentially always wound up with me in tears and not getting what I needed to begin with.

Instruct me.

  • Workout gear. My favorite exercise is dance. Belly Dance, dance dvds, booty shaking at the right place (every place) and sometimes while doing those things my boobs do some crazy shit. When I was into a lot of high impact exercise (running etc) I was a lot thinner but my boobs were only a cup size smaller which for me and my body doesn't mean a whole lot of difference. Back then I was really really poor so I wore three bras. This wasn't comfortable and it didn't really work well because it made me unable to take a full breath. For the past six months or so I've been pricing the better rated amongst us big titty having fatties sport bras. 85 dollars. Back in the day when I was desperate to hold my tits down so I could torture myself into running stadium stairs the "best" bra I could find was about 45$. WHAT do I do?
According to some thin people I've spoken to I should just suffer. Because I'm fat and obviously to blame for my big titty genetics. Or I just shouldn't be doing those things because it's gross when fat people do stuff right?

So what am I to do?

During various points over the years I have learned that there are some Fat problems that are going to be problems for me no matter how fat I am or how not fat I am.

A lot of those problems have to do with fat prejudice. No matter what state my body is in someone will take offense to it. Someone will point to something I do or wear as being awful because it's unhealthy/ugly to look at in their opinion/something they wouldn't do or wear.

So here's the thing thin people. A lot of the fat people problems the media and the teevee have convinced you only happen to fat people, really just don't. They aren't fat problems they are body problems.

Often the big things that thin people complain about aren't really anything that is necessary to complain about. Don't like fat people in shorts? Don't look at them. Don't want to fuck a fatty? Fine go fuck someone else. 

The healthcare debate often comes down to ZOMFG FATASS USIN TEH HEALTHCARES COSTS ME MONEY ARGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Instead of taking the minute to not rage and use some critical thinking, too many people just buy into whatever they saw on CNN rather than really giving it some thought.

I say, how about we all have access to great health care that is non abusive and efficient?

Thin people say OMG SHUT UP FATTY UR WRONG.

I say, it would be far better for everyone if people had access to preventative care to help them be as healthy as is possible for them personally to be.

Thin people say OMG FAT ASS USING MAH HEALTHCARE.

Seriously read any article where a fat person talks about health and this is what happens.

This along with my life experience leads me to believe that every thin person who claims that it's all about the all mighty Health, is full of shit.

So until you non fat people want to do some actual work, or give some actual thought to what constitutes health for individual people and what you can really do to help, kindly shut your pie hole.

Homo Out.

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Saturday, June 23, 2012

For thin people who think they are being helpful.

Fatties, today I'm not really talking to you.

I'm talking to you not fat people who believe that some remark  you make to a fat person on the internet or street is going to magically make them change.

First let's understand a few things.


  1. It's been proven time and again that shame is not really a good way to con people into changing anything. It's bullying. It's abusive. It's gross.
  2. You no matter how healthy you are or think you look are not the arbiter or one true knower of how bodies should look.
  3. If someone isn't trying to sleep with you they probably don't give a shit about whether or not you think they are sexy.
  4. Behaving like a jerk does not mean you are a total jerk. You might be a really nice person having a moment of bad behavior and that's okay.  You're human it happens. That doesn't make it okay.
  5. Being a troll is still not cute nor is it charming.
Okay thin folks let's get down to it shall we?

Let's talk about how you talk to fat people or other people with bodies you think are gross or don't approve of.

If you think that people can't understand when you say things like, "you should wear more flattering clothes" or "have you heard of X diet?" that you are foisting your body image ideals onto their asses your'e dead wrong.

Fat people know they are fat. 

Yes we do.

If you tell someone HOLYSHIT YOU'RE FAT, chances are you are the least original person in the conversation and being a jerk. No person needs you to tell them about their bodies. It's a dick move.

Next there's no reason to tell someone that they are eating something you don't eat because it's fatty or you think it's gross or too unhealthy or whatever. No really.

No one needs your opinion this way. You can think it. You can think about it a lot, you can tell you friends. But you don't need to get in another person's airspace to vent that.

No one needs to hear your advice about dieting, food, exercise, clothes, cellulite, man boobs, anything.

Unless they ask you.

If I your fat friend Shannon say, "hey buddy. I noticed your ass looks amazing lately what kind of exercise are you doing?"

That is an appropriate time to go all for it. It's not a moment to wax on about how awful and gross fat people are but that is the moment to talk about dieting and exercise and all that.

If you want to be worried about my fat self and my health, telling me I'm going to die of X disease or telling me I'm ugly or that my dress is too tight is not an okay to do that.

If you want to be helpful or if you really are concerned learn how to have a conversation. This includes learning to do the following:

  1. Be respectful. If not that at least behave like you are talking to another human being because you are.
  2. Listen. Not wait to talk about the Cabbage diet. Listen closely.
  3. Admit that no, you don't know everything about everything.
  4. Understand that a fat person has every right to say, "I don't want to talk about my pants/ass/health/weight with you. Respect that.
  5. Don't Drink The Koolaid. By that I mean don't buy so heavily into what the media tells you. Not every TV loud ass doctor is absolutely right. Feel free to be just as critical as Thin White Lady beauty ideals as I am. Ask questions. Learn.
I am also going to encourage you to take just a minute to be dead honest.

Try this.

For a minute pretend that you and I know each other really well. Let's say I'm your sister or Mom or bestie.

If I told you that I went to the doctor because I found a lump in my breast and that my doctor refused to examine me because of my weight, would that be okay with you?

Would you tell me that maybe I would have better luck with cancer screening if only I'd lose 30-100 pounds?

Would you be shocked?

What if I confessed to you that doctors have been treating me that way for so long and it hurt me so much I didn't want to go to the doctor, would that be okay? What if I just dropped dead.

What if that happened and you knew that I'd been complaining of abdominal pain but shooed it away because I believed that anything wrong with me was because I was fat, or that I couldn't be seen and it turned out to be a burst appendix or tumor, would that okay?

Would it shock you when people said after that I died because I was a lazy fatass?

I'd really like to say that this is hyperbole but it's not. 

If you think that those things are okay, you're an awful person. No matter what religion or belief system or code of ethics you claim, if you think that you are awful and I hope you don't know anyone.

If those things upset you or made you feel bad deep down, chances are you have some work to do.

If I was your loved one and these things happened to me they would be just as awful if you didn't know me at all.

These are the things fat people talk about when we say that we want to be supported in taking care of our health and not shamed for a single thing. And yes, that's the root of the problem thin people.

Fat people are pissed off because so many of you abuse us, so many of you healthcare professionals abuse us, or you don't treat us. Fat people are pissed off because we say I'd really appreciate being able to go to the doctor/gym/work/home/store/LIFE without people treating me like garbage JUST because I am fat and you say no because we're fat.

We're pissed off because we have become the Scare Tactic Headless Fatty. We have been blamed for everything from global warming to gas prices to the demise of healthcare. Only because we're fat.

We're pissed off because no matter where we go or what we're doing, especially if we are talking to each other about fat things no matter what they are, thin people barge in wanting space to talk/to be assholes/to harass us/to threaten us/to humiliate us those of you who aren't participating often let it go or say to us when we complain, "maybe it'll help you lose weight."

Look thin folks, if you take any of this to say I or other fat people hate you we don't. Really. Most of us don't give a tin shit about how your body looks or what you do with it.

I'm also not saying that it's all your fault because a lot of fat people have drunk the koolaid and hate us too, but you're not helping. 

It feels like a lie when you proclaim your worry about the health of people and then go on to abuse people or participate in letting people be abusive.

You can't have it both ways.

So be honest.

If you know, I have faith that you're all smart thin people, you know that you behave awfully when it comes to fat people, stop.

Or at least don't do it where fat people are trying to live their fucking lives.

It's not hard.

Especially anyone who says that they are a feminist, anti bullying, anti racist, aware, a nice person, an ally etc. You folks? When you do it, it's even worse.

I turn it over to my homies. If you're still with me thin person I'm going to assume you got something I said. Now all you have to do is sit back and listen to the fat people. So my fat homies tell our thin homies how you feel.

Thin homies who are already aware of these things. Talk to your friends. Tell them when it's not okay.

Happy weekend my darlings. This is a scheduled post, I'm trying out writing posts in advance. 

Homo Out.

PS..thin homies I encourage you to stick around. Read some of the fat links. Comment if you want. Anonymous is always on. If you want to say you're sorry go ahead. Just don't be a jerk because I am not with that.

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Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Back like a Mofo.

HELLO my darlings I missed you.

I took care of some stuff and you shouldn't see any performance changes in my bloggy blog here.

First can I announce something awesome?

Y'all know how much I love my friend Distorria's company Detrivore Cosmetics. Now I am an affiliate WOOT.



I'm not making cash but if you want to shop with her please use my little thingy there. Help keep me in sparkles.

Now babies.

Let's talk about major serious life saving self care.

While I've been away I had some things happen in life and got super major holy fuckballs stressed out. I made myself a little sick, had some time off and the things that were stressing me out are on the way to being resolved.

You know what else I did?

Because of the way I process stress (internalizing like whoa..we'll talk about it later) I made myself slow down.

I'm going to be honest. A few times I was so upset and freaked out I started falling down the crazypants spiral. The one that starts with one thing and shit rolls downhill until I am seething and full of self loathing.

I was nauseated. I was angry with myself when I looked at my container of vitamins, I was angry I have nail polish and make up and everything. It got pretty hairy for a few days.

The first thing I did was give myself a long facial. In the bath I steamed my face with a washcloth, I took a bath and put my favorite facial mask on my face. I made myself be gentle with my skin. I was in a state where all I wanted to do was punish myself for the nine million things I fuck up on a regular basis.

Instead I used brute force and slowed myself down. I shut the fuck up., Sometimes you have to look at yourself and say firmly, You shut the fuck up right now.

I manicured my eyebrows. I used my spot fade cream on the black mark on my forehead. I moisturized myself from ass to elbows until I was greasy.

I gave myself a beautiful manicure.

I spent two hours untangling and moisturizing my hair.

I was still mad but I was slowed down. I was treating myself like something precious not like someone who really pissed me off.

I was still upset, anxious and rolling down the bad spiral but it was slowing down.

I made myself take my vitamins and eat. I made myself not treat myself like shit because I felt like I deserved it. I made myself treat myself better than usual because underneath all of the crazy things, I knew I needed to get through it.

My best friend sent me a little care package. Instead of feeling shitty about needing that comfort and engaging in it. I made myself appreciate that there are people who care about me.

I made myself appreciate that sometimes yes, yes all it really takes sometimes is a surprise or a bottle of nail polish or a nice meal.

I feel better now. I have been working on it.

The point here is that it doesn't always have to be a huge thing. Sometimes it can be the small things that get you started. I suggested to someone on tumblr to put on some lotion.

It doesn't seem like a big deal but when you're down in it, it's a big fucking deal.

It is not just a big fucking deal it is an awesome thing.

Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It's not about being pretty for other people. It's not even about "health".

It's about survival. It's about identifying what you need and giving it to yourself when you can.

Fuck anyone who has ever told you that self care is frivolous or unnecessary.

Fuck them right out of your life because it is important.

Also important, even if you are positive no one on earth gives a fuck. I give a fuck.

All of you my homies and haters.

I care about your well being.

I hope you will be okay. Take care of yourselves. If you are really fucking depressed and can't get out of bed or wash your face. Put some lip balm on, lay comfortably. I swear. Do one little thing. It won't solve everything but after you do it you can say, fuck you I did it.

Homo Out.
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Tuesday, June 12, 2012

A few announcements.

So first announcement.

I'm going on an official hiatus for maybe two weeks or so.

Blog needs work on the backend so that will be happening.

Also you can read new fiction by me!

The free ones you can find at The Molotov Cocktail, and my super special paen to my fellow queer brown femmes here at SmokeLong Quarterly.

For those of you who are new in these here parts I'm also a fiction and occasional poetry author. Want to know more things? You can read ALL THE WRITINGS at my official author website.

What else?

OH right.

If you have a dollar to spend and you like hetro erotica. You can buy my story Morning Heat right here at Smashwords.

Have like 6$ You can get my unedited raw little prose collections at Amazon HOLY CRAP.  That is a link to my author page at Amazon. You can also find two kick ass anthologies I have work in as well as my little collections.

Can't buy?

It's all good. Feel free to pimp my work out to your friends. Links all that stuff.

Would you like to keep on my writing life adventures and what I'm reading and stuff? I write about that too. You can read that over here at wordpress.

What else?

If you want me super random and unfiltered (way less organized than here) come play with me on Tumblr. Totes not always worksafe, some days my tumblr is full of tits, ass and fashion.

Now how about a couple of quickie reader questions?

I've had these knocking about in my inbox for a while but they didn't need whole entries.

First question from a new homie QT.

QT wants to know how old I am. Well QT I am 35 or as I have taken to telling people who question my age/legitimacy that I am damn near 40.

Anon wants to know why I'm so fat.

RLY? Come on son. try harder.

Another Anon says I am an ugly bitch.

Dudes, seriously. Anons calling me names or saying I'm ugly or fat don't get my dick hard try again.

So I think that's all for now my friends.

OH WAIT.

So my essay collection.

I have to confess that I am having a really -really- fucking hard time on the second rewrite. My editor now lives locally and I think I'm going to take her out on a talk the writer off the ledge and maybe give said writer a cuddle type date or something. Or we might just need to get some booze so I can ugly cry it out.

I don't know why I can't deal with them. I honestly had no idea that doing a big non fiction hard shit real deal thing would be so damn hard.

So yeah. They aren't coming out soon and I'm so sorry about that.

Non fiction still freaks my shit right out. I am working on it though.

Who knows, by the time I'm done maybe I will have something book length to actually shop and stuff.

Other news. I am so close to getting my shawl shop open. I'm going to host it with my writing site I just need to finish getting it set up. I will also be offering affordable and pretty lapghans, scarves and doodads. My yarn reselling didn't work out because I didn't like the shipping rates but after Uniballer and I move I might do some other yarn sales.

At the moment though that's not gonna happen for a bit due to crazy tight finances. Summertime almost always equals broke time because of how my paychecks fall I often have to pay rent out of both of my monthly paychecks and we haven't heard back about my partners disability yet.

So yeah.

Brokeness and stress.

But I'm surviving.

I think that's really done. Remember you can subscribe via email on the right or via RSS so you don't have to keep coming back to check on me.

Homo Out for a couple of weeks.
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Friday, June 08, 2012

So you're worried about my health?

As every fat person who says things on the internet or reads them on the internet whenever anything is on the internet about fat people, people lose their minds.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR HEALTH I CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH YOU STUPID UGLY FATASS WHY ARE YOU HEALTHY UR NOT SEXY...

etc etc.

So for those people I'm going to explain why I am always skeptical about claims by anyone who doesn't know me or behave as if they really care about obesity.

Ahem.

I'll use myself as an example being that I was recently reminded of this.

When people talk at (yes at, not to. Talking to infers a back and forth communication) if they only focus on the fact that they can see or that I've said that I am fat that is not care.

If all you who are so concerned really cared about my health you might ask how my allergies are this year.

Why do none of these people every say, "Shannon, how are your periods? You good and regular? Was that last one a gushing clotty mess? Need a tampon?"

That never happens.

Nobody who talks at me about my fat and supposed myriad of Obesity Diseases ever asks me if I'm having good poops? Not one of those people ever says "Hey you had an awesome poop last night? That's GREAT!"

Never happens.

Here's the thing. If you really care about the health of fat people or a fat person you'd concern yourself with their overall health and not just the fact that they are fat.

Health is more than weight. Is weight involved? Yes it is. Do please understand that while weight is intersected with overall health, it is not the indicator of overall health.

Moving along.

Let's for a moment say that there is indeed an Obesity Crisis that is more dangerous to humankind than terrorism.

People say they want to fight the obesity epidemic.

Their tactics?

Internet bullying, being shamey, blaming fat people for health care costs and everything under the sun. That isn't a new thing, that has been happening and clearly if you care about it so much you see it's not working.

If your care and concern was sincere you would probably not use someone being fat as a reason to just be a jerk or to flex your self righteous muscles or to profess to/show the world how much "better" you are than a fat person.

If you are that worried and you do in fact care let's talk about what you can do and what is appropriate.

You would start learning about what it is actually like to be fat. I'm not talking about watching some jackass model don a fat suit for a day. You would read blogs, you would listen to what fat people say without needing to drop in your handy weightloss tips or other ultimately unhelpful opinions.

At this point if you're reading this, or anything else on the internet it's not that hard. I won't do it for you because you are smart and awesome and can do it yourself.

You would start to understand that no matter what diet, how much you yell, how many names someone is called, some people are just going to be fat. You don't have to like it, you don't have to date or be attracted to fat people. You just need to accept that there are going to be bodies you find unappealing, unacceptable and maybe even awful. There is nothing that you or anyone else can do about that unless you're really into some bad shit.

You would not participate in a culture, or in discussions about "the Obesity Crises" that are literally meant to do nothing but humiliate people.

Do you really care?

For all of the rage and poison I have gotten over the years based strictly on me being fat from people who supposedly care so much about my health, none of it has ever done me any good. It has more often than not hurt me.

Do you really think that calling someone names on the internet, or mooing at them when they walk down the street or telling them that you hope they "enjoy" dying slowly show that you care about anything but your own opinion? Does it show that you are even a decent person?

If you really want to do something about fat and fatness here's what you can do.

Start learning about the correlations between having access to quality non abusive preventative and just regular health care is. I encourage you to talk to your own doctor about the difference in your own health whether you're fat or not, if you were too ashamed, uninsured or otherwise denied access to things like blood work, basic tests and things like cancer screenings.

Seriously. Ask your doctor what the difference in being treated for a problem immediately vs going untreated for ten or twenty years. Pick your disease or problem.

Use me as an example.

At one point when I was around 21 or so I had two really bad inner ear infections. I have had problems with my ears for my whole life and I called my doctor to explain my situation and was told to come in immediately.

I was fatter than usual. I think around then I was fatter than I am now.

Now when I arrived I had a fever, both of my ears were red, I was nauseated. I had been on another antibiotic prior but, because of years and years and years of antibiotics a lot of antibiotics don't work as well for me when I have things like ear or sinus infections. It's an established fact that this can happen.

Instead of giving me a different antibiotic my doctor gave me a long lecture about being fat and tried to get me to accept a prescription for diet pills. I kept saying no thank you and she would bring up yet another drug. At some point during this time when I'd told her repeatedly that I was really nauseated (turns out my fever had spiked, a regular occurring thing when I have ear infections) and I vomited all over the exam room and the doctor.

This is a small example but it illustrates my point. This doctor did not really want to treat me for anything other than being fat. This doctor made (at the time I was too young to know I could say no) me do fasting blood sugar tests three times because she said I was lying about how long I'd fasted because given my weight I HAD to be diabetic.

Despite no actual evidence, not one of my tests showing anything even close to being pre-diabetic. That is what she focused on. She would not give me anything for my insomnia because she said it was because I was fat, she would not even discuss my ongoing joint pain which is what had led me to gaining weight at that point.

There was no care.

Now ask yourself, if you have a health problem. Let's say you get sinus infections like clockwork every 8-9 weeks. Let's say that every time you go to have that checked out or to try and find a solution, the only thing you're told is to lose weight. Not that your weight has anything to do with it directly, but that's what you're told.

How would you feel about that? Would that be okay? What if you had in fact lost weight, found it didn't help and regained the weight because you stopped dieting and all you're told is to lose weight?

Is that okay?

No frankly it's not.

The problem is that health as I keep saying is just not only about weight.

Not only that but not all of us are going to be in peak physical condition. That's okay.

If you want fat people to be healthy, don't fight fat people. Fight the things in place in our society that prevent or make it very difficult for fat people to have space to deal with their health regardless of what or why they may or may not have health problems.

If you want to fight the problems that can come with being fat don't just take whatever TV personality doctors say to heart.

If these things are beyond your capacity at the very least you can not be a douchebag.

Don't call fat people names. Don't troll their blogs. Don't steal and repost their photographs. Don't complain if you see a fat person just going about their lives. Don't moo at people. Don't harass people.

You know, if you can't actually engage with us fatties at least learn how to be a decent person and leave us the fuck alone.

Next week, I'd like to talk about the hypocrisy of people who supposedly care about how fat I am and the things they've said to me and why they were not doing anything to make me not be fat anymore.

I turn it over to you my homies. Do you have stuff to add? An experience to share? Need to show this to anyone?

Go ahead my darlings.

Homo Out.
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Monday, June 04, 2012

Just One Question.

After my offer to people arriving via my interview at The Root (again do not read the comments), I got a few new readers and comments and one snarky question.

do u even bother trying 2b healthy?
 Well snarky anon I'm going to answer your question.

First let's talk about my personal view of health for people and then myself.

As I keep saying in general other folks health is none of anyone's business. And don't give me that FATTY U COST ME INSURANCE DOLLARS bullshit.

What makes insurance so expensive often is not just someone being fat. The problem happens when people are denied access to good preventative health care, are treated only for their medicationalized obesity to the exclusion of treatment for any other health issues not relating to weight, etc. If those people do get sick and don't seek treatment because of fear or shame, then it gets expensive.

I fully embrace the idea that anyone and everyone should have access to good preventative health care so that doesn't happen.

I'll talk more about that another time.

I also don't believe in Health being an either or thing. I don't believe in a binary idea of health that says either you are healthy (thin) or not healthy (fat).

I don't believe that weight alone dictates health status for me or anyone else.

Is it an intersecting factor? Hell yes.

Is body weight the only factor? Hell no.

Now me personally.

I won't rehash it but I have lived life at various weights and done all sorts of things in the name of being Healthy.

Currently aside from my lifelong medical issues I feel pretty good.

So yes, I do things to make my actual body and soul feel and live healthier.

For my heart and soul I don't read most internet comments because most commenters see the internet as their chance to be a total asshole to a stranger, I don't read certain internet sites as I mentioned to a friend on twitter. I don't deal with or talk to people who can't at the very least respect that I am an autonomous person and separate from them.

If I feel like someone is simply being abusive in the name of being "right" I tend not to deal with them at all or put energy into talking to them.

I have a small group of very beloved friends who are my family.  As I've mentioned recently I also take self care very seriously and treat acts of self care as survival tactics. I read, I crochet, I look at beautiful art.

I feed my soul with things I'm passionate about and love.

That is good for my body.

For my body I do lots of things.

I think for me one of the huge health related things I started doing routinely about seven years ago is drinking a lot of water.

I've never been a huge soda drinker but, I also never really paid close attention to my hydration levels.

The difference between being not quite dehydrated and really well hydrated for me is huge. Being well hydrated on the regular means my joints hurt less, my skin is plumper and more clear, my hair is healthier, my kidneys are happy. Normally day to day if I feel weird or off the first thing i reach for is water.

I also drink a lot of tea. I mean a lot. All kinds of tea. I'm a huge tea and coffee lover. I make sure to chase it with water if I'm drinking anything caffeinated.

What else? Well I try to avoid foods that cause me digestive upset.

I digress for a moment and will come back to it another day but, when people try to talk at me about my health why do they never inquire about my bowels?

Anyway, for my digestion to function without too much uncomfortable gas or diarrhea, or other upset I avoid a lot of dairy, I don't eat too much fiber, I try not to eat combinations of foods that I know will upset the balance. Also see hydration, staying hydrated helps me poop regularly.

When it comes to food I try to eat intuitively. That is actually kind of a struggle for me day to day. I honestly forget to eat. I don't generally recognize that I'm hungry especially if I'm doing things (writing, walking, working etc) and I tend to let my blood sugar drop which is not awesome for me. Generally speaking though if I feel like I need to eat fruit I eat fruit, or veggies or meat or whatever.

I tend to try and avoid greasy foods because they give me the shits, always have and it can be upsetting. Occasionally I like fast food. Maybe once every four or so months I'll go to McDonald's and get a chicken sandwich.

I have a sweettooth but I don't eat as many sweets as I could or would like to because of my teeth. However if I want some candy I eat some candy.

Once I figured out not to forbid myself foods out of fear of getting fat (or fatter as the case may have been) I found I don't really eat in a way that makes me feel awful with either too much or too little.

Actually I lie, the too little food thing happens often. See my forgetting to eat.

Some days when I'm spaced out I know to write myself a note I put on my computer monitor at work to remind myself to eat. I have learned to manage my issues in a way that helps me keep my blood sugar from tanking.

And now the big question, am I really the lazy never moves fatty I am reported to be?

Actually no I don't have the option.

While no I don't do a lot of dedicated exercise, I move more than the average person during the day.

I don't drive and use public transit. And public transit being what it is I'm not picked up and dropped off door to door.

For a long time I used a pedometer daily and kept track of my mileage.

During the nicer weather here in Seattle I average anywhere from 2.5-5 miles worth of steps during the day. According to the principles of Non-Exercise Activity Thermogenics (fancy term for non exercise movement, no link because all the ones I found were highly problematic) I do a fair bit.

Normally if the weather is nice and my knees or back don't hurt too bad I walk a total of about a half hour or so before work. I walk about (not non stop) at work, at night if I get out at the right time I like a good ten or fifteen minute walk.

My natural walking speed is fairly brisk, stumpy legs or no. I have always really enjoyed walking and do so as much as I can time and weather permitting.

I also like to do some stretching during the day. I've found that periodic stretching rather than just time dedicated to stretching at night actually feels better to me.

I am really eager to start bellydancing again. I don't have space currently to do it and I really miss it. Dancing is such a joy for me (hence my frequent bootyshake breaks). I like to take time out during the day and do a little dance.

What else?

Oh I take a battery of vitamins. I discovered when I was too poor to afford decent food that taking a good mix of vitamins often means the difference between getting sick or catching a cold and not. Currently I take a hair nail and skin vitamin that is also a multivitamin, I take fish oil, MSM and an immune system support thing.

This mix does me a WORLD of good. My skin is happy, the MSM helps support my joints.

Now Snarky Anon, I don't tell you all of this to prove anything to you. You're probably going to think I'm a bad awful fatty regardless of what I say.

I say all of this to illustrate that my personal health has personal needs. I say this to underline my belief that health is not a one size fits all thing.

I say it to show you Snarky Anon and whomever else that how I take care of my body won't be and doesn't need to be the same as anyone else's.

Overall right now I'm pretty healthy. My life has been really stressful in the last six months or so and my blood pressure has been a bit higher than normal. My partner and I have had some things happen in our lives that were hard to deal with but are primarily settled. I'm feeling far better so that should get back to normal soon.

I'm also back on my allergy meds (when I get stressed out I forget to take them) so I'm not an allergy ridden mess.

Now later this week I want to talk about what people don't say when they talk about my health and why those unsaid things further prove to me that no, it's not about my health it's about the size of my ass. I will also talk about the things that people say to me as a fat person they never said to me as a thin person.

OH wait y'all.

I know I forget to mention this here but if you want to keep up with my non blog writing you can follow my writing blog right here. Today is a self promotional extravaganza.

Homo Out.


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