Thursday, July 26, 2012

Some Grown Folks Business.

So guess what my homies?

We have some grown folks dating advice to give.

If any of you have sex, dating, body, clothes or any kind of question you need advice about and would like me to chime in take your bad self right over here, then ask away. You can be totally anonymous. If you don't want your whole question quoted let me know. And then I'll answer and turn it over to the smartest people on the internet, my readers.

Now let us make with the dating advice.

Our new homie whom I will dub HotPants asked this:

So theres these two guys who r bff tht go to my college...one of them was diggn me and we ended up sleeping together when he was in my hometown over summer break. before that happened, around the last week of school I started crushing on his bestfriend. it turns out he had a gf so I kinda forgot about him. then a month later I slept with the the one who was diggin me..but now i feel like blew any chance i could have with the one i crushed on if he were to ever break up with his gf...
Okay my darling. I'm going to assume you're a youngster HotPants so here's what I say.

Short answer: Don't wait on someone to get out of a relationship. You are young, awesome and frankly there are eleventy million other boys in the sea who might catch your fancy. Pining for someone who is involved leaves you with no dates and not as much fun as you might want.

I won't say forget about him but honestly sugar, don't make this dude a priority in your life.

If you are having fun with the guy you're sleeping with have at it. Do start the habit young of making it clear with him what your relationship is about. By that I mean if it's a bootycall thing, make sure that you two have communicated with each other and agreed that it's a bootycall thing. If you can't come to a consensus about what you two are doing together tread carefully. You don't want drama if you say meet someone you want to date seriously and the Bootydude thinks he's your boyfriend.

If you do like this other dude, I would suggest staying friends if you are friends. That way if it happens that he's single and you're single you can give it a try. Although being that you have touched his best friend in a sexy type way, he might not go for that and I'd advice you to respect that.

In some friendships it might be totally fine. In their friendship who knows.

For you HotPants meet some other boys. If you're in college there are a lot of them to choose from and you have all the time in the world to maybe meet someone who really rocks your socks.

Right now if you decide to let go of the idea of dating boy#2, it is entirely okay to mourn that for a bit in whatever way works for you. It's natural to feel crappy when we don't have the opportunity to be with someone we have put some stock in having a relationship with. What's important (and I see this happen with young folks a lot) is not to make what you have into some super romantic big blown thing.

Remind yourself when you feel like if only this would happen he's The. One. remember that, he wasn't yours and that's okay.

You have a big fantastic life to look forward to. You have stuff you're interested in. You have hobbies, you have people you love. You have shit to do. Remember in this scenerio you are at the top of the list when it comes to importance.

That being what it is, if it makes you feel better to not associate with either of those boys until you have some distance on it that's awesome. If you can be around them and not be sad, that's awesome.

When I was younger I wish someone had told me it was OKAY to want someone, have it not work out and not have it be the end of the world. So I'm telling you.

If you never date dude#2 it's not the end of the world and he's not your only chance.

Now remember HotPants. Let yourself feel your feelings. If you feel kind of or really sad about it, it's okay and you can do that. If you're mad he has a girlfriend, that's okay too. If you want to have a good hard ugly cry and wallow while watching bad movies also totally fine.

What's important to remember that regardless of what feelings you are having they will pass. Things will get back to normal and at some point you will go out with your HotPants self and feel like the beautiful awesome person you have been.

Now I turn it over to the smarties.

That's you my homies.

Do you have any words of wisdom to share with HotPants? Support? Commiseration?

Have AT it my homies.

Also in case you didn't see the other day.

If you navigate to the sidebar on the right you can buy beautiful things via my Detrivore link and I make a few  pennies. AND with a lot of happy I say that my Babeland link has returned. You can buy ALL the things to make you tingly in the pants there and I also make some pennies.

Now I am very itchy and have epic cramps. So I'm goin to bed.

Homo Out.
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Monday, July 23, 2012

Where fat people exist.

I just read this by Marianne over at XOjane. Also protip if the rest of XOJane frustrates you as much as it does me you can bookmark your favorite authors and skip the rest.

When talking about fat people and health I am more convinced that for every average Bob on the internet and expert Doctor who likes to express their outraged faux concern that fat people exist, I like to watch them complain about fat people doing things.

For instance.

For a while in my 20's I tried really hard to be a runner. I was thinner than I am now but still pretty chubby. True fact, no matter how thin I have been or what my muscle mass has been I have a jiggly body.

As I chugged along, I got hollered at in the EW GROSS FATTY way a lot.

Ask some fat folks who go to gyms about all the people bitching about them being there.

Ask me about how often I have heard "OMG what does she think she's doing here/doing at all"

Here's the light to the lie of the concern doctors and other people express.

You cannot expect fat people to be exercising their fat away, or doing anything with their health if in your mind they should not be anywhere.

For every jackhole I've heard snicker about me in my yoga pants or when I was going to gyms roll their eyes and make I smell shit faces at me while I exercised, I'll show you someone who doesn't give a shit about my health or health at all.

As a lot of us fat folks have been saying and as science is starting to publicly admit.

Weight itself is not as indicative of health as we think it is.

Further, let's think about it this way.

Can you tell by looking if someone has AIDS or hepatitis?

When I'm walking down the street on a day say where I'm not limping at all, can you tell just from looking at me that I have had knee issues going on 20 years?

Can you tell if you see me passing by that I have major allergy problems?

If we're being honest most rational people would say of course not.

Of COURSE I can't tell by looking if someone has an STI so I'm going to use a condom or get tested.

Now logically, how does that inability to see HIV status magically translate into you're fat so I can see that you have diabetes, hyper tension and you're going to drop dead right now?

You know here's the thing. Of all of the anti fat/concerned comments I"ve ever gotten in my life not one single person be they a healthcare professional or some random person have I EVER heard a logical reasoned argument as to why (backed up with current facts not hyperbole or headless fatty OBESITY EPIDEMIC rhetoric) it is okay for someone to look at me and presume anything about my health or why it is effective or demonstrative of caring that people will harass me at the gym or if they see me buying food or walking down the street.

Most people those healthcare individuals included, are working on the idea that people should be bullied into being visibly acceptable.

I am living proof of this.

When I was really thin and frankly really unhealthy, the most unhealthy and sick I've been in my life even when I told people I was sick they would say, "oh but you're sooooooooooo thin."

I was convinced I was going to be sick forever, depressed and hating myself and people congratulated me.

There are times in the last few years when I've lost 5-10 pounds because of illness or stress and people have congratulated me.

It is disgusting.

Further proof that no one really gives a tin shit about health.

If they did, they wouldn't fight against HAES so hard.

They wouldn't immediately start shouting FATTY U GONNA DIE anytime a fat person says or does anything.

If you are a person who says anything other than you take care of yourself the way that is good for you, you don't give a shit about health.

If you say, well yeah you're pretty and all for a big girl but...

You're full of shit.

If you say, I'm all for self confidence but...

You're full of shit.

If you say that you love all bodies but...

You are full of shit.

Be honest with at least yourself and admit that you a.) cannot know and will not know the actual health status of any individual on a look b.) that you are not the arbiter of all things health related and c.) that you are being gross and judgmental and most importantly d.) you need to start understanding what health really means in relation to bodies that are not yours.

Or just shut the fuck up and keep your opinions off of other peoples bodies, out of their wallets and out of their mouths.

It's not that difficult.

This post also brought to you by my personal frustration with finding some kind of dance class to take that is not weight loss focused. I don't want that I just want to do some dancing and work on my fat girl fitness without the bullshit. Also the cost of something as necessary as a good bra.

I'll talk about that later.

For right now guess what homies?

I'm back in business with Toys in Babeland.

Check the right hand column for my new shiny affiliate link.

Here's my rule about advertising. I honestly only advertise affiliate links to places I do in fact love and support. Hence right now that's just Babeland and Detrivore cosmetics.

SO while I make some pennies, I can also support people I believe in. I've already turned down some other stuff and I'm no longer able to use google adwords (thanks dedicated troll you know who you are) so there it is.

Now my darlings. Tomorrow I have some dating advice for one homie and some advice about first sex toys.

WOOT.

Homo Out.



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Monday, July 16, 2012

A Moment for some Fat Femme Realness.

Things have been so serious around here I can't do that today.

Instead let's talk about Femmeness and more specifically my personal expression of my Femmeness.

Now if money weren't a thing and life was in fact my cupcake, if you look around at my Fat Femme Fashion Pinterest board you'd see the penultimate expression of my inner Nazgul Serving Femme Realness.

One of the thing a lot of my fat friends have said to me at one time or another is that they never even thought they could do Femme as a presentation/performative thing because they are just too fat.

This is something I think about a lot because there was a time in my life when I thought I was just too ugly to do Femme as a thing. For me this was particularly difficult when I was at my thinnest because my body did not read woman to me at all. Thus I decided that if my body was not an acceptable thing as a woman then I could not Do. Femme.

I fully bought into the idea that if I didn't fit some arbitrary idea of what a woman is, I could not therefor be Femme.

I look back and just shake my head.

Here's the thing.

Femme does not mean you have to be a Thin Nice Pretty White Lady.

It doesn't.

Femme is not necessarily vagina centric or tits centric or even Female centric.

Femme is as you do.

Here's the thing I wish I would have figured out back then or someone would have told me.

There's no mold for Femme.

There is no single true knower of all things Femme and if someone treats you that way or tells you that they are frankly full of shit.

Femme is not solely made up of the things that are supposedly desireable by Thin White Lady Beauty Ideals. You don't have to "look" like a woman whatever that means.

You just don't.

You don't have to fit into some hypersexualized or totally desexed existence to exhibit whatever flavor of Femme you want.

When you are a fat person, you are either hypersexualized. We've all heard how desperate all us fatties are for sex and how we're ever so good at blowjobs because it's like eating, how we are so awesome in bed but nobody wants to admit that we are blablablabla. We've all heard it.

Then on the flip side of this, we're totally not sexual because who would EVER want to fuck a fatty? Right?

Here's the thing.

You can't have it both ways.

The Virgin/Whore Desired/Hated dichotomy is just not sustainable in the actual world.

Let's take our personal experiences out of it for a second and look at this idea objectively.

If in order for one to be or do Femme, one must fit into the narrow confines of Western Beauty.

How does that actually pan out in real life?

I mean think about how many Femme and Femme identified people you may come across say on the internet. How many of them fit those ideals in any way?

Think bigger. How many (let's use some presumption here) swishy, flaming, yadda yadda people have you seen in your actual life? How many fat folks sporting fine clothing and fancy manicures?

Now let's agree for the moment that depending on where we live and where we hang out on the internets, let's assume there are a lot of Femme Identifying people who are not Pretty Thin White Ladies.

Now if all of those people, myself included cannot ever fit into a Thin White Lady ideal and are STILL doing Femme in whatever way we see fit, why can't you?

Yes, my point here is that fuck what anyone has ever said to you.

Wanna be Femme? Want to be Femme as you see fit?

Go on ahead.

Now comes the fun and hard part.

How does one go about being Femme?

The good news is you can be Femme in whatever way you want. That is also the bad news.

It can be really overwhelming and I highly suggest some baby steps especially if you are poor.

For me it started with manicures.

No really it was as simple as going to the drug store and spending like 5$ on files, a good red polish, a basecoat and a topcoat.

I went home, soaked my cuticles in lotion and spent some time filing/shaping etc.

Maybe for you it starts with wearing that pair of earrings you've had forever but have never had the "guts" to wear them. Put them on. Doesn't matter if they super match your outfit, or if they are fancy.

You don't have to have guts to wear anything. You have to have some love for yourself.

Trust yourself which is so antithetical to everything we're taught.

Trust that if something like a tacky ass necklace you bought at the thrift store delights you, you can and should wear it with impunity.

No one including me gets to tell you how to express yourself and your gender.

Be a Fat Femme, Be a Super Fat Fatty Fat Fat Femme, Be a Dude Femme, Be a Kinda Butchy Femme with some sparkle on the side.

As I am very fond of saying these days You DO You.

Nobody else can do it the way you can for yourself.

Are you Femme my homie? Share with the class how you do it.

Now if y'all will excuse me I desperately need to moisturize my stems and possibly eat some food like a grown up.

Homo Out.





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Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Under the hammer.

I talked about what it looks like when people use their privilege like a hammer last time.

Today I want to talk about the experience of being the one hammered upon.

I'm going to use race again because it's honestly the most salient issue to my daily life.

I'm sure y'all remember the race related blow outs in the FA sphere a while back. I wrote about them here, here and here.

One of the primary functions of having a privilege, especially White privilege is that if you are a White person, these are things you never have to deal with or talk about or even acknowledge.

What it means is that I can pour my heart out and work and work and work and beg and plead for people to listen and hear what I'm saying and get nothing.

It means that after I've done all that and experienced actual pain I have to watch when the same things I've said are said by a Nice White Lady and all of a sudden it's all true and people then want to have a heart.

It means I can say that X thing is abusive and terrible and people tell me that they would not be racist/or other flavor of asshole if ONLY I was nicer about it.

If only I wasn't so confrontational about being called a nigger maybe people wouldn't say it.

If only instead of me responding with a hearty fuck you if you are going to be a racist, if I would say please don't say racist things to me then maybe, just maybe people would treat me better.

Think about that.

Think about the actual experience of talking about your lived life as I do. I tell you guys shit that is painful and makes me angry. Think about how it would (if you don't experience it) feel to say I was afraid of this man because he called me a Black bitch and to have someone come along and tell you that it was nothing.

Nothing.

Or if I say, hey could you not use X language it comes off as really racist and it hurts me/us/your message. Instead of an I'm sorry I said that 99% of the time I get, OMG STOP PULLING THE RACE CARD, I get told that I know nothing (if only y'all knew how often this happens) about racism and should stop talking about it.

I am a 35 year old Black woman in America. I have been called a nigger to my face more times than I can count and somehow because I am a Black woman, no one wants to hear that yes YES I know what the fuck I'm talking about when I say I think something is racist/comes from a racist place.

I want you to really think about how that feels.

When I say that I don't want a doctor to only treat me for being fat and not for what's actually wrong with me, say my insomnia, depression, anxiety etc etc. People tell me that I am ignorant because CLEARLY the only thing with me ever is fatness.

That is privilege wielded like a mother fucking hammer.

Un-examined and ignored issues of privilege mean that for every person like me who does have a serious vested interest in dealing with oppression, it just gets to be too much.

It's why I refuse to identify with or deal with feminists.

It's why sometimes I get so angry I refuse to help people out with their understanding of racial issues or fat issues or gender issues even though in my deepest heart it gives me no end of joy to really guide or open eyes.

It's why sometimes I can't even comment. Why, I refuse to engage most people about things because honestly I already know what is going to happen.

My anger (generally regardless of circumstance)=bad wrong and presumably misplaced.

A White persons anger (often in my world, especially a White woman regardless of circumstance) = She needs shielding and protection and anyone who's said anything critical of her must be full of shit and hate. EVERYONE PROTECT HER.

That is why privilege is such a mother fucker.

This is not theory. This is my actual life.

One of the main reasons I fall off of blogging sometimes is that because I am not a Nice Famous White lady I know how vulnerable a position I am in.

I know that my ideas and words can (and have been) stolen with absolute impunity for the good of a cause.

I know that for all my pain and sweat and tears, most likely if I am quoted etc I don't get credit. I don't get a thank you. I don't get a heads up. I don't get shit.

Because I don't have the privilege of being in a position where if I was caught doing I would be protected.

Having privilege doesn't make you or anyone else an awful person.

How you or anyone else uses their privilege does.

At the end of the day (as it is right now) if I want to keep doing what I'm doing and writing about the things I'm passionate about, I take the risk. I've mentioned it before but this sort of thing is really fucking important to me and I do it in spite of the pain and the problems.

I do it with full knowledge that I might be pissing in the wind.

So the next time you comment and bow out of a conversation because you're uncomfortable or because you don't have any real investment, take a second and check yourself.

Dealing with your privilege is really fucking hard but I have faith in you. I think you can do it.

Homo Out.
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Monday, July 09, 2012

What your privilege looks like.

Buckle up homies.

Today I want to talk about how to recognize when you are using your privilege like a weapon and you may not realize it.

Let's talk about White Privilege for a moment.

Here are some reactions to things I've read about on the internets lately, reactions I've had right here in my litterbox and experienced in my actual life.

Picture yours truly explaining something concerning being a Black person maybe I'm talking about feeling discriminated against, perhaps I'm talking about some jackass touching my hair, maybe I am talking to other Black people about Black People Life experiences.

If you have ever done any of the following and wondered why people got mad at you I'm going to clue you in:


  • But that happens to me too..
  • OMG Y ARE YOU SO MEAN AND NOT HAPPY I AM NOT A RAYCIST U RAYCIST...
  • I just don't see race.
  • Race doesn't matter to me.
  • Why CAN'T I COME IN YOUR CONVERSATION AND TALK
  • You have decided you are too "uncomfortable" after you've already started to get into the conversation and dropped it.
This is your privilege in action. The thing is that regardless of your personal circumstances, (if you're queer, your socioeconomic status etc) you have the absolute choice to never in your life deal with racism.

If you are a White person specifically in America, you never ever have to think about it. You don't have to be traumatized by racism either directly or indirectly. You have the absolute choice to go on about your life without ever having to deal with or talk about racism.

Does that mean I think that's awesome? No I don't. Does that mean you get cookies or back pats if you talk about or are publicly anti racism? No it really doesn't.

Sometimes White folks when you are trying so hard to prove how not racist you are, you wind up using your privilege like a sledgehammer and people like me get pissed off.

You may get told to fuck right off and jam your allyship up your ass. You may have someone curse you out. You may get ignored.

Here's the thing.

Most POC I know don't have the energy to take every non POC by the hand and explain to them the five million reasons why no we don't want your opinion about intra-POC problems, why we don't need your opinion about what is or isn't a function of racism or whether we have or have not experienced racism.

Yes you may mean well but your well meaning method of being an ally can really do way more harm than good.

Now I'm going to ask y'all to brain some. Apply these things if you are thin, able bodied, a man etc.

If you are honest with yourself and you catch yourself in a moment where you've been arguing with say fat people and you realize that our struggle has no impact on your life right now and walk away. There's your privilege at work and being ugly.

I said something like this last week on tumblr but I'll say it again here.

Sometimes in order to be a good ally you need to shut the fuck up.

Yes you really do.

Sometimes it does a cause more good if allies just listen to what we're trying to say. 

If you have declared yourself to be an ally and say you get famous for the things you say, don't do what people like Laci Green does.

  1. Don't use the words and issues of people you are not (POC, fat people etc) and get super exposure and then not have the decency to thank those people. It's stealing. Oh hi internet/famous feminists I'm talking to you here too. Just don't fucking do that. 
  2. If you get called out for being inappropriate whether it's something you've said, done, co signed etc- apologize like a grown up. That means you say something like Oh shit I am so sorry I fucked up really bad. You don't demand an explanation or teaching as to why you made that mistake. You don't turn it into OMG Y SO MEEN U BULLIES. Don't talk about your intentions. Don't expect to be instantly forgiven if ever forgiven. Don't expect to royally fuck up and then have everyone magically forget if you do apologize. Don't be passive aggressive. Don't demand cookies if you don't fuck up in the future. Yes, allies are human and humans fuck up a lot. Good allies don't keep doing it blindly, good allies don't expect to have their ego masturbated because they had good intentions.
  3. If you fuck up and sincerely don't understand how, don't expect to be handheld or cuddled about it. Learn to exercise some judgement as to when it is or isn't appropriate to ask someone to explain to you. And don't sit on your entitlement, by which I mean you are not entitled to anyone teaching you about your own behavior.
  4. If you are really serious about being an ally and learning about your privilege the most important and powerful thing you can do is listen. You can start learning that privilege isn't an insult, it's not name calling it's not an attack it just is. It is a thing and you can learn to navigate around the world without using your privilege like a hammer.
You can do this. It's really fucking hard sometimes but I have faith in you.

Sometimes you have to look at yourself and understand that yes you may have opinions but not every venue is a place to express those opinions.

Sometimes you have to let other people speak for themselves.

Sometimes your feelings are going to get hurt.

Sometimes you are going to fuck up.

Sometimes you are gong to hurt other people.

Sometimes, things don't need to center on your experience because your experience isn't what  is being discussed.

Sometimes the way to show the whole world what an awesome ally you are is to do or say nothing.

If you read this entry and feel guilty, listen to yourself. If you know these are things you do/have done consider this your moment to decide not to do them anymore. You don't' have to be great at this immediately. You can make the effort.

This is one of the hard moments.

Embrace it.

Work with it.

Work with yourself in order to be a better ally.

Now that's all. I'm off to do writer business.

Homo Out.



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Monday, July 02, 2012

All the hair in the world.

All right homies.

If you've read me for a while you know this already but for those of you who don't know me well my hair is a thing. See some of my posts about my hair here.

I don't want to talk about the aesthetics of my hair right now except to say that I am no longer a red head and have gone back to my Old Goth forever love of deep dark jet black. Pictures to come.

Today I want to talk about how not to interact with me or any other person of color regarding their hair ever.

I will say that yes I get that a lot of people think Black hair is all sorts of interesting. I am fully aware of how silky, soft and frankly amazing my hair is.

Here are the rules.

Do not ever just walk up to me with your hand out to get into my hair. More so if you're a stranger.

The fact is that White people tend to show less caution and manners in trying to get their hands in my hair than they do when approaching a strange dog.

Seriously think about that.

Most people with a shred of common sense don't go walking up to dogs they don't know and pulling their ears or tails. Watch people in public and how they approach even tiny relatively harmless looking dogs. Voice low, hand out, slow, make sure the dog sees you're coming.

I on the other hand have had hands coming at my hair from behind, fingers digging into my bun, people stroking and petting me and exclaiming Oh my GOSH it DOES feel like wool etc.

I have slapped hands, yelled in faces, etc and to a one anyone who has done this to me has acted shocked that I would take issue with them touching me.

Really think about what this is saying.

These people treated me as less than a strange animal. Less than.

That is rooted in the type of racism that comes from assuming that if you are White you are always correct and that I as a person of color have a duty to entertain your fuckery because you're white and may not "know" better, or you know you're just "interested".

Think about that thought process.

Think about what happens in the mind of someone who would never touch a strangers pet, but who would expect me to be perfectly happy to have their hands in my hair.

Most people absolutely know better. They don't touch other peoples children, they don't walk up to strangers and grab their asses or try to hold their hands.

To understand the attitude I'm talking about watch this clip from The Color Purple if you can.





Basically this is the scene where Oprah's character Sophia has her children fondled by a white woman who then offers her work as a maid, she responds by saying hell no. A man comes along and hits her for sassing the White lady and Sophia knocks him the fuck out and winds up going to prison for 8 years.

The idea of getting arrested on my way to work is the only thing that ever keeps me from laying out every person who treats me like this.

Yes.

YES it does in fact happen people.

What galls me the most is that there is rarely a moment when another White person will say, hey HAY don't touch her.

Instead I get the evil eye and people mutter, "gosh that was mean." after I have said loudly DO not touch me.

Am I saying that every white stranger who tries to touch me is racist?

No.

I'm saying that they are acting on long standing racist beliefs that it's okay because they are just curious, have never touched a Black persons hair before,  want to know if it's really like steel wool, want to see if it's like a Brillo pad, etc. They want to prove or disprove every shitty racist thing they think about Black hair and then have the nerve to be upset when I don't want to be their test dummy.

This is what it means to be coming from a deeply privileged and racist place.

This sort of thing and me telling you about it is important because the more we expose ourselves to hard truths about our experiences, the more we can deal with them.

Once upon a time I excused this behavior. I bought into the idea that of course White people didn't know any better. I thought it was a compliment to me that some random ass White person would want to touch my hair and I would take them marveling that my hair didn't feel greasy, or nappy, or OMG EEEEEE I JUST TOUCHED HER HAIR as them praising me.

What these people were praising was that I did not appear to be as far from their comfort zone of White beauty as they thought. What was being praised was my apparent steps towards looking less Black.

Now that my hair is natural I've run into this more often.

I have to confess that because of this behavior I don't enjoy my hair as much as I could. I don't wear it down often because most days I just don't have the spoons to try and have ninja like reflexes to slap hands and bob and weave away from fingers wanting to know if my hair is real, or if it's mine. I don't have the patience or the wherewithal to answer questions like, "OMG how does your hair DO that". I don't want to deal with strange White ladies walking up to me to ask me eleventy million questions or using air quotes at me to ask if it is a "piece".

Sometimes when I need hair products that are not marketed as Black products, I send my White partner to get them because I don't want to deal with the amazed people saying, "Oh wow you can use this too?"

Sometimes even if I can find a product where I live that is made for Black hair, most of the time the mark up is so much I don't want to pay it and would rather pay for shipping, or things get sold out because only one store in a 15 mile radius sells a line of products that are available everywhere goddamn else but WA.

I just don't have the energy to deal with the surprised tones of White people when they see that I have beautiful hair. But instead of saying wow your hair is pretty they say, "oh that's neat!" ask your POC friends, there is a certain tone of bemused surprise that many White people use any time they think a non White person has done something awesome, looks pretty etc. It's hard to describe in text.

So here are the rules White folks, feel free to share them with your friends. Please check yourself if you do, say or think any of the following:


  1. Oh LOOK that person has an afro, I want to touch it. Don't. Ever. 
  2. OH look, curly hair. I should ask how they make their hair do that, but wait isn't all Black people hair like nappy and stuff? Don't.
  3. OH that person has dreadlocks, they look nice I'm so surprised most of the time those just look dirty and make me think of bugs. Don't.
  4. Isn't that interesting this person has a hawl/other non Black associated hairstyle, how ghetto. But OH look a hipster with dreads SO COOL. Don't.
  5. Hey, random person can I touch you- shut the fuck up.
If you want to talk to a Black person about their hair don't act like we are alien species.

It's okay to walk up to someone with a big glorious afro and say simply, wow your hair is really beautiful. Then walk away. 

Say, your curls are AMAZING and gorgeous. Then walk away.

If you can't bring yourself to leave Black people and their hair alone, at least act like you might with a strange dog with big teeth.

Fuck around and you might get bit.

Got it?

Now my darlings, just a reminder that you can use my handy linky link to shop Detrivore's 10 for 20$ sale here. 

Click here to visit detrivore cosmetics

Also you can right this minute spend ONE dollar and get some hetero flavored dirty dirty words. Right here.

Holy crap right?

Now my darlings Homo Out for now. I have some big plans for the rest of the summer so you all stay safe in the freaking heat that is everywhere but here. Seriously, remember to stay hydrated. A cheap trick is to use soda bottles or other plastic bottles and fill them partway with water and freeze them. Boom, you have a supply of ice water or ice blocks to rest against hot spots without a mess or a lot of extra cost.

Rotate those bottles when they melt and stay cool.

Be careful out there my homies and haters, the heat waves are a mother fucker.
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