Monday, December 17, 2012

How to care.

A lot of people run around every time a fat person says anything screaming about impending doom, expense, using up of medical resources, ad hominem attacks, proclamations of knowing ALL about another human based on some words or a photo under the banner of "I CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH ASSHOLE".

These are people who will run into a fat space (online and off) demanding attention because they care.

In their demonstrations of caring often they start out saying things like, "I'm all for self confidence" or they vomit up the shit that the teevee tells them about the apparent fact that obesity is in fact a worse threat to the planet than anything else.

Okay.

Look, here's the thing and I'm sure some of you people who want to come in and tell me everything that I'm doing wrong in life because you care are reading now.

This is not how to behave in a caring manner.

If you cared about anything other than any number of the following:


  1. Fueling your own self esteem because you are better than someone with a different body.
  2. Trolling because you have nothing better to do.
  3. You believe that if left unchecked fat people will DIE right now, use up all the health care and cost you money.
  4. You believe that you have the special ability to just know everything that might be wrong with someone because you saw their picture on the internet or they walked past you on the street.
  5. You are an asshole.
  6. You have an overinflated sense of entitlement when it comes to bodies that you don't live in.
  7. You are too busy battling obesity to actually understand it.
  8. You are easily led.
  9. You are a diet or exercise guru.
  10. You are making money off of fat peoples misery.
  11. Someone you know and might actually love in a fucked up way might be fat, or kinda fat, or not fat at all except in your head.
Whatever your reason is here's the thing and what makes you look like an asshole and a liar.

If in your version of caring you tell someone what it's like living in their body, or that they are going to die, or that you hope they enjoy their diabetes (something someone sent me after my interview at The Root), you are not being a good person. You are absolutely doing care wrong.

Let's take human bodies out of it for a minute.

Let's pretend like you told me you love dogs and you care about dogs.

If you loved said dogs, if you saw one laying down in a yard not bother you, you know just doing dog things, would you run up and kick it in the face?

If the dog was doing something you found unsightly, say laying with his testicles on view and it grossed you out, would you as a dog lover run over and start yelling at the dog and calling it names?

If you saw someone doing that and you ran over and stopped them and asked why they were screaming at or kicking the dog and they said, because I CARE ABOUT THEM.

Would that seem reasonable to you?

Really.

If I tell you I love you then punch you in the face, would you call that a gesture of love?

As a society we understand what is inappropriate in terms of showing our affections.

We understand that kicking a dog doesn't show love, we understand that hitting each other in the face doesn't show love. We understand that bullying is not good (yes, there's science to back this up), we understand that verbal abuse can have as devastating consequences as physical abuse.

Being that we are so advanced and have science to back up the fact that cruelty to each other, bullying, shaming etc is not really a good thing, why do so many people think that if a person is fat they have carte blanche to forget about these things?

Here's the thing.

Outside of the idea of anonymity because honestly, let's be real people are assholes to fat people anonymous or not, why are people engaging on this behavior at every level from interpersonal to the people charged with looking over our physical health and safety?

Humor has limits.

Let's not pretend that every person who has told me that I"m going to die in a minute from the fat, or the people who told me to enjoy my diabetes or who were personally (yes on a personal level) angry at me after my interview at The Root not because of the content of what I said but because I was saying anything other than, "I'm so awful and ugly I'm losing weight".

I have some things to say to those people, people on the street, doctors, "experts" etc.

First of all stop fronting.

Stop lying because you don't actually care. What you care about might be, being right. You might care about the concept of health care expenses in a vague way, you may care about diseases that frighten you, you may care about your own ass. But you do not care about me in a meaningful way.

The empty proclamations of caring when it is sheathed in bullying and outright lies is just that, empty.

I am an adult and can see through it.

I see what you're doing, I see your motivations and I see that no you don't in fact care.

What worries me is children.

If so many people care about obesity, why are we letting our children develop eating disorders and younger and younger ages? Why are we applauding parents who put pre-pubescent children on diets and begin the process of fucking their metabolisms up for life?

Why would ANYONE ever think it would be a show of care to put children in an abusive situation on fucking television?

Modern science is telling us that abuse doesn't work. Modern science (do your own research) that we are more harmed by yoyo dieting and sedentary lifestyles than weight. Modern science tells us that children especially female children who grow up with low self esteem and self worth are left open to a lifetime of victimization.

How does it show care to not only ignore all of those things but encourage them?

Those of you who roll into fat blogs to troll, or you say terrible things about strangers to your children what are you doing? How are you showing your children anything?

Let me tell you what you're teaching your children when they ask why does that person look different (fat, disabled or whatever  if you tell them it's because that person is a terrible person and is lazy and awful is that if they in turn grow up to be fat or different that they are terrible lazy people.

You are setting them up to fail at a lot of things.

That is not loving, that is not care. That is being an asshole and either teaching your children to be assholes or worse teaching them that if they wind up like that person, you will be an asshole to them too.

Even if your kids don't see you trolling fat people, laughing at stolen pictures of fat people on facebook, don't hear you call the woman walking a fat bitch, you are still not doing any good.

If you want to care and have people understand that you care it takes some work. It's hard.

It takes at the least some critical thinking and understanding of some basic things.

The first thing to understand is that you are not entitled to have anyone buy your opinions about a body that isn't yours. You can have an opinion of course you can that is human nature. What you are not entitled to is the freedom to invade another persons life with your opinions and demand that they accept them as truth.

An example.

As I mentioned someone who came here from The Root told me to enjoy my diabetes and that they hoped I died quickly so I wouldn't use up the health care. First of all being that I did not disclose whether or not I have or could have diabetes, they have no idea what my status in that regard actually is. Yes, yes they can assume but it does not give them the right to come into my space proclaiming that as the truth because there is no way they would know one way or the other unless I told them or they had my medical records.

That is not an opinion that is a fact.

This person also assumed that I am dependent on charity care or would be dependent on welfare, the state, disability or whatever. Again, another thing that I did not disclose to them or The Root. The fact is, I have been steadily employed with health insurance for well over a decade. There is the idea that if one is fat, one is lazy, if one is lazy one does not work, if one does not work one has not earned health care. There is also the idea that if one is fat, one does not deserve health care. 

Health care is not a finite resource.

Here's something that is an opinion I very strongly believe in. If health care were not thought of as some mythical right of the few deserving people, it would cost less to the consumer.

First of all, health care is an industry. It is not care it is money. Ask anyone who is under insured or has no insurance how much health really costs. If insurance companies weren't such profit machines, perhaps people would be healthier.

I look at it this way. If just basic health care (pap smears, breast exams, cancer screenings, colon care) that is age appropriate was widely available to people without risk of debt, ridicule or abuse, a lot more people would go to teh doctor. So rather than the scary mythical fatty who shows up at the doctor with eleventy million obesity correlated and neglected illnesses that require vast amounts of cash and resources "using up" the health care, perhaps those people would have been able to get health care to take care of those things along the way.

Preventative and maintenance health care goes a long way towards cutting individual medical costs. 

If you think I am full of shit here's an experiment.

The next time you go to the doctor or if you have a health professional in your family pose this question.

Is it better to get consistent quality health care or is it better to just wait and go to the ER?

Or ask within the confines of a hypothetical situation. I'll give you one.

Let's say that you have a sharp pain in your back. In situation 1, you don't feel right and go to the doctor. You find out you did some damage to your back and you start getting it taken care of. Maybe you get PT, maybe you get medication or bed rest. In situation 2 you don't get it looked at for whatever reason. Let's say that you live in pain for a year or so and at one point find yourself unable to walk around or go to work anymore. You go to the doctor at that point and find out you've done irreversible damage and will likely need surgery or have a long recovery or find out you will never recover.

Which scenario is better from an objective view? What's more expensive in the long run in terms of both financial (including lost wages, disability, possible hospital trips), and quality of life costs?

If you care, these are issues that I encourage you to get behind and do some critical thinking and reading about. If you want to show how much you care it's a good place to start.

If you care, instead of engaging in abusive behavior either by perpetrating it or allowing it in your space, how about saying no?

How about being the person who says, no that is not an appropriate way to talk to/about anyone regardless of their weight period.

How about not engaging in body shaming?

Getting the idea?

Part of caring and expressing that care means that one has work to do. It's fucking hard. 

It's easy to lie to yourself and go to someones blog to call them a fat bitch or tell them to lose weight and then go to another tab and feel good about yourself for "doing something". I'm here to tell you that you did nothing except be a bully and contribute to an abusive culture that for a lot of people leads to needless suffering and death.

What you're doing is supporting a disordered culture.

What you're doing is being abusive.

What you're doing is contributing to a problem that will not stop at fat people. Yes I'm telling you that. You're contributing to a system that makes billions and billions of dollars off of your self loathing and the loathing you extend to others.

Doing these things is not caring.

If you do nothing else do this. Stop lying to me, the world and most importantly yourself while you hide behind empty slogans like "I just care about your health" because you don't and we can see right through you.

Homo Out.

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Friday, December 14, 2012

Working it out.

First, I have bragged on the internet more than once and I am going to brag again,

I have the best fucking readers in the world.

You are the best homies in intertubes space in the world.

Thank you for your support and kind words and everything.

I love you.

You are seriously the best.

I am feeling better/less anxious about things. I have all my vitamins, I'm being nice to me. Nicer anyway.

I don't want to talk about that more right now though.

Let's talk about somthing I am way more into right now.

Make up.

So today I am wearing what I call my Old Goth go to look. I'll show you at the bottom of the post.

Lots AND LOTS of black liner in a big ole cat eye and black lips.

A woman stopped me on the sidewalk today to tell me that she thinks my make up is ugly, inappropriate and tacky.

I laughed in her face.

Here's the thing my homies and part of survival and how to give no fucks.

Strangers, especially strangers who think that their opinion of how you should look, walk, talk, how much you weigh, what you wear etc- are not the kind of people you want in your universe.

Here's the thing.

You, like me are the Dowager Supreme Ruler of your universe.

Nobody has the right to fuck with that.

Nobody, especially jerky ass asshole people need to impact your Universe more than being a shitty blip on your radar.

When people who don't know you go out of their way to be "helpful" or to be assholes or bossy, they are not trying to help you out. They are telling you that they know better how to be in your body.

Fuck that noise because it's bullshit.

As I have said before, you are important.

You have shit to do that does not involve random jackhole strangers and their feelings or their opinions.

This goes for anonymous trolls on the internet, people in line at the store, clerks in stores etc.

Fuck their feelings.

You and I are not here for all that.

You and I are here to live our lives in our bodies the best we can.

For me I still am not feeling well. I have had this ass kicking evil cold of doom (I get one every year) and I have not been feeling good.

When I don't feel good but I have to go places and do things, I paint the shit out of my face.

I beat my face and get glamorous. It feels like armor, I like feeling like I look better than I feel. This is how I care for myself when things I can't control or deal with are happening.

I also do it to remind myself that the only person I really need to aesthetically please is myself.

My only answer to the idea that I must conform to the vision of how other people want to see me is this.

Fuck you pay me.

Want me to wear something you like? Pay me.

Want me to wear neutral natural make up? Fuck you pay me.

Want me to thinner? Fuck you pay me.

Want me to be nicer? Fuck you pay me.

And let's be real for a minute since that's how I"m being today.

You are gonna have to pay a lot.

You probably can't afford it.

The reality is that I have a lot of people I care about, a lot of things I care about, a lot of things I am passionate about and I do not have the time nor energy to devote to taking care of strangers. I'm not going to massage your feelings if you want to tell me how you think I should be.

Fuck your feelings.

Fuck your feelings, fuck your entitlement, fuck your comfort and really fuck you.

My homies, let me tell you my big secret for how I arrived at this.

At one time in my mid-20's I was in a situation where my partner was in the hospital, I was fighting my landlord in court, trying to pack our home, trying not to get evicted, looking for a new place to live, working overtime and was experiencing a level of stress that I'm sure if I'd been in slightly more fragile health I might've had a heart attack or other emergency.

I was doing all of this on my own.

At one point some lady said something stupid to me about how raggedly dressed I was and I completely lost my shit on her and freaked out.

I'm talking screaming raging on her and then I went back to my apartment and cried until I threw up.

That day I had shit to do. I wanted to see my partner in the hospital, I needed groceries, I needed to do laundry, I needed to track down a missing check stub, I needed to do a lot of things.

I needed sleep, I needed a hug.

What I did not need was this bitch in my face that way.

I realized in the aftermath of that incident that I expended all that energy, I had been fairly reasonable for a minute with that lady and she persisted in explaining her point of view to me.

ALl that energy and upset and yes my fucking feelings were hurt and I cried in public which I hate doing and my day was not only made worse but totally fucking destroyed for what?

Some asshole who didn't care about me, didn't care about my situation, wasn't trying to help me get to see Uniballer in the hospital. She only wanted to tell me how tacky and terrible it was that my slacks were wrinkled and crappy and how SO unprofessional it was blablabla.

What purpose did her shitty opinion serve?

For her, she probably had a good power surge. She probably felt superior to me and some people like that.

In my Universe what did it mean?

At the end of that shitty day when I was laying in bed crying, it meant nothing to me.

That single incident taught me more about what does and doesn't need to impact my universe than anything else.

From then on part of my mission in life has been to teach myself when I do and don't need to give a fuck.

No one can tell you or force you to really care. I know society tells us we're supposed to care about everything and weigh every opinion but I think that's bullshit.

Yes, everyone can have an opinion.

No, I don't have to give a hot fuck about your opinion if I don't want to.

It's a beautiful thing.

So, my homies my darlings.

If you listen to nothing else I've ever said listen to this. You too haters.

You are the Supreme High Ruler of YouLand.

Your Universe is special and precious.

You are driving.

Do not let other people fuck up your universe when you don't have to.

Fuck their feelings.

In this case, your feelings take top number one priority.

That's what I am giving to you. If no one has ever told you point blank here it is.

It is perfectly fine and very healthy if you don't give a fuck about some peoples opinions.

You do not have to consider the opinion of someone who thinks it's inappropriate for for a fat person to wear tight clothes, for boys to wear eyeliner,  for women to have penises. Whatever.

Fuck those people.

Now a photo of my offensive make up:


Have a lovely weekend my darlings.

I'm working on some new stuff for this here bloggy blog. Be on the lookout darlings.

I love you my homies and haters.

Homo Out.




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Thursday, December 06, 2012

Relearning my body.

So I alluded to a thing I wanted to talk about but was feeling weird about it.

I'm feeling like I'm about to come out of the closet. It's weird.

Anyway the thing is my body.

Things happening to my body.

Let me back up a little bit here.

For the last three years or so, my life has been really stressful. Financial issues due to my partner losing and regaining benefits. Health issues for both my partner and I. Some really crazy making shit.

So during the last few years my body has filled out a solid size 16ish.

A while back Uniballer commented that he thought I'd lost some weight and I poopooed it.

Then it started getting cold and I had to wear pants I hadn't worn since last winter.

They fell off.

Y'all, y'all know how I feel about pants and I panicked. Full blown poverty fueled OH MY FUCKING SHIT HOW AM I GONNA STAY WARM WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED OH SHIT ALERT ALERT...

I'm talking disco freakout meltdown.

I have not been in touch or friendly with my body in a while. I have a problem when I don't feel well or can't do things.

I had to sit down and painfully start figuring out what was going on.

So one thing, the stress has lifted. Partner has his benefits, health benefits, financial. Because of our increased financial stability we've been eating better.

I was afraid I wasn't eating enough. I have problems recognizing hunger before my blood sugar crashes. More so when I'm depressed, stressed out or having a bad period of insomnia.

So I did one of those things that is so hard, I got naked and had a good long look in the mirror. I tried on every pair of pants I own and yep, Uniballer was not seeing things I lost some weight.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried in the shower because I didn't want to spend money to buy new pants. Yes, that is what upset me. Buying more pants.

I got over it and can say that as of now I'm fitting into an Old Navy 14 pants comfortably. Ass, hams n all.

I'm having a lot of feelings about this, none of which are happy.

I need to buy new bras, I have huge boobs that don't shrink but half a cup when I am +/- say 50 pounds. My band size has gone back down to a 38.

My cute underwear I got just a few months ago doesn't fit.

Ugh.

Objectively I'm okay. I'm about the same size I was back in 2007 or so when Torrid was my favorite girlfriend and I could religiously (as I found out while digging in my closet) wear their size 12 pants with no problem.

But, BUT here's the other problems.

I've been looking for a new doctor and one of the things I mentioned on a new patient survey (I'm on the wait list for that doc) is that I've lost some weight and am concerned. I want to make sure there's nothing wrong.

Rather than leaving that in my areas of concern on the return email, the first thing the fucking note said was congratulations.

Why?

Because I said I am fat.

Er, no I think I put obese. Whatever.

No advice about what to look for if there is a problem, no questions about appetite or yanno, things that could indicate a problem. Just congratulations on the weightloss you didn't want in the first place.

That makes me so angry and frustrated. I feel like I'm already behind the 8 ball on this. I don't want pats on the back I want to be certain it isn't indicative of any other problem.

And my other big problem and it's a doozy.

I'm afraid that I will lose more weight. Why? Because I honestly don't really like how it looks when I'm much smaller than I am now.

I have been everything from a size 4-20 and my self esteem was the lowest when I was the thinnest. I mean, honestly when I was thin it was supposed to be great right?

It wasn't.

It was pretty awful for me. I had the worst time finding clothes because I didn't want to wear tight clothes which, being broad shouldered and busty at every size, everything wound up being. I had problems wearing pants (same one I do now) because I have big thighs even at a size 4 and no size existed that fit me right.

I don't like it.

I'm a little afraid of that.

To keep that from happening I've been very vigilent about making sure I'm eating enough. Especially days when I haven't slept.

I have ridden this ride before in terms of trying to get adequate health care and everything. I don't want to do it again. I don't want to spend time convincing a doctor that no, NO I really am not okay with more weightloss, no I don't want help with it in terms of losing more weight, I just want to be treated for the problems I have.

I also am having some trouble dressing myself because in some things I fit straight sizes, in other things I need plus sizes. I don't like not knowing what of my clothes will fit.

I don't want to wear saggy ass pants.

I'm trying to keep a sense of humor about it. I tease myself about my tiny pants. But I'm nervous.

I feel like I've lost touch with my body in a bad way and I'm struggling to get back in touch with it. It's harder because my body is displeasing me. My knees are swelling and hurting, I'm pretty sure that this may be the year I get diagnosed with some kind of arthritis rather than the ubiquitous you're just fat.

Maybe this doctor will take my life long insomnia seriously.

Maybe this doctor won't make me do fasting glucose testing repeatedly. Did I ever tell you guys about that? A while back, I went to a doctor and I was weighed in at something like 210 pounds and immediately the doctor decided that since I was over 200lbs and black I had to be diabetic.

I did the test once and she accused me of cheating because my fasting levels were on the cusp of low normal/low problem. She decided I hadn't eaten for two days because yanno, fat.

She made me do it again. SAME results, no apology. All I got was a migraine from low blood sugar and my time wasted.

I'm just..ugh.

I'm frustrated, scared and anxious.

Will this be the doctor to help me be as healthy as I can be? Or am I going to wind up asking for nothing and dealing with my various health problems on my own?

I don't know.

SO there it is.

My shrinking ass secret.

I'm not as fat as I was.

In retrospect it's not that big of a deal but it is a big deal. As it is, I try to dodge any discussion on weightloss with most people because I just don't want to deal with it or feel pressured to explain why I'm not excited about it.

I'm also not excited because I had a holiday season outfit of AWESOME all picked out featuring an Asos skirt someone gave me but the skirt doesn't fit anymore.

Not excited about that.

Okay.

I guess that's all.

No wait, here is the first full length photo of me I've taken in a while.



The outfit I wore today. LOOK NO PANTS. I am excited about the winter weight leggings I got on Ebay that kept my hams warm without having to wear real pants.

But yeah there I am.

Now I turn to you my homies, do you have any advice for me?

It's going to be okay right?

Homo Out.
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