Sunday, December 29, 2013

Let's call it done. Bye 2013 and my last bit of advice for the year.

Given the huge number of failures and epic shit shows this year I'm going to give all of y'all my best ever advice for free.

Are you ready?

Here we go.

If you fuck up and I mean royally Ani DiFranco thinking a former plantation is a great place to hold a creative gathering level fuck up, or if you hurt someone's feelings, or if you say something supremely stupid because you really don't know better, or if you step on someone's food or their life here is what you do.


You look at the person/internet/situation and do like this here:

I am so sorry I hurt you.

And then you wait.

What you don't do is justify why you hurt someone, don't tell them that you think you were right but, don't say anything but I am so sorry.

You don't say you were drunk, or one time a Black person was mean to you so you acted out, you don't blame the person you trespassed against for "interpreting" you wrong.

You say you are fucking sorry.

You don't talk shit.

You don't whine about how "bullied" you feel because people hold you responsible for the words coming out of your mouth, virtually or in meat space.

You don't get to play the victim because you weren't trying to be sizest, or sexist, or racist or just an asshole in general.

You don't pen screeds against the concept of being "PC" because when you say that, to those of us who live in the margins you are saying it is too hard for yu to think about us seriously and it's just too hard not to be a douchebag.

It is no revelation of practicing free speech, it is not edgy, it is not a radical position.

If you decide it is too PC to speak respectfully to people who are not you, you are not special you are just like eery other asshole on the planet.

Doubly so if you are speaking from a position of deep privilege and your issue with being PC is that you got caught being an asshole.

All you have to do when shit hits the fan is this.

  1. Shut the fuck up.
  2. Say I am sorry.
  3. Shut the fuck up.
  4. Learn some shit.
  5. Shut the fuck up.
That's all you have to do.

No I'm serious. You don't need to respond to every criticism, you don't need to justify your original shit action or reaction, you just need to be quiet nd listen for a bit and say you are sorry.

Want to level up?

Instead of riding in the victim seat when you get caught, stand up and say hey I fucked up by participating in racism/sizeism/sexism/ableism/etc. You say that you are working on it, you are listening and then you shut the entire fuck up.

It will be really hard. You might cry. It might really hurt your feelings, you might have an anxiety attack, you might have people tweet or facebook really mean things about you.

This is the point to put your helmet on and take your victim pants off.

This is like when you have to take the consequences of causing a car accident, or if you break something where the policy is you break it you bought it.

Want to be a boss level Ally?

When you fuck up, apologize, shut up and listen.

Do not take your hurt feelings, tears and claims that being criticized is buyllying to the people you've offended or hurt. Just don't.

Here look at this via the calming Manatee. 

Now listen.

If you can internet, you can learn this.

If you can say you're sorry for bumping int someone on the street, you can say I'm sorry I hurt you when you hurt someone.

You know me, I won't lie to you. 

This is next level shit. It is beyond hard. It is embarrassing, scary and sometimes hazardous to our mental health but it is imperative that if we are going to really do the dirty work of starting to change the isms, we also have to learn to say we're sorry.

That is my gift to you. 

You can do it. I have faith in you and I have faith in me.

Now that we're done with that let me say thank you to the Christmas gift sending elves. I find the holidays infuriating and stressful and you made it better.

I love you my homies.

I really do. Those of you who have stuck with me through bullshit and frustration and tears and the hard stuff thank you.

Thank you new homies. Thanks for visiting.

Thank you even haters.

Sometimes you haters just make me giggle and I am thankful for that.

Here is to an awesome 2014. If you celebrate, do so safely my darlings. Remember to call cab if you're drunk, stay home if you want to, do you and do it well.

Now I am off to spend the remainder of the year writing, working on my etsy store and getting together some really exciting stuff. I have a plan y'all and 2014 is gonna be awsome.

Homo Out.
don't forget if you are so inclined to visit my etsy store and frolic, share or buy. 


Sunday, December 22, 2013

Old Goth In Winter. Let's talk making it work.

See above part of an outfit from the other day. Now as I have noted right now I am small fat. Tiny fat really but my sensibilities are the same and we're gonna talk about how to make it work.

Bottom photo let's go down the list of the outfit.

First can we talk about my shoes? Those are knock off Lita's I bought on Ebay a while back. 

See this is real Lita's.

That is an amazon affiliate link. I didn't wear those to work because the knock offs I bought are too big in the toe box and my foot slides around so much I can't walk in them. BUT shit I love those shoes. I may save up for a real pair sometime.

Now the skirt is a midi tight ass knit skirt. Here let's talk about a fashion protip #1.

Regardless of what size you are, if you are smaller in the butt and you want a pencil style skirt to fit like a glove buy a size down.

That skirt is a size L from Debshops. The reason it works is because it is a knit fabric and knits stretch, often way more than one might think.  So for my fellow less blessed in the booty tight skirt lovers, buy a size smaller than you might consider. You could probably go down two sizes even if you have more narrow hips proportional to your size.


The tshirt. This is a basic 4$ tee from Kmart. As you see it's a tad see through but yanno it was four dollars. I believe it is a 2X juniors and on my DD having self is fairly boxyish. Perfect for layering and quite comfy. Four. Dollars.

The cardigan came from the Debshops plus size range.  Now like every other place the plus size clothing is a bit over priced but not Torrid level. I would pay full price for this cardi though. I got the 1X and it is nicely roomy, has those slightly overlong sleeves I love and has room for my boobs.

So here is protip#2. Do not be afraid to mix and match. If you can jam your ham into a straight size L and need a 2X cardi get it. Work that shit out.

They real key to shopping this way is understanding your personal proportions.

For instance I am not that tall, very busty, broad shouldered. So for this reason most straight size tees, camis and tanks will fit me tighter. Most plus size tees, tanks, n camis tend to be too long for me so I go with the tighter fit.

I do not have a lot of booty but I have big thighs. So for tights I tend to size up to accommodate my thighs and size down in skirts for that booty enhancement I crave.

That whole outfit without the shoes looks very cute (for spring I will remix with a lacy cami and thinner sweater), very my sort of office goth and was very cheap.

Now if you are over a size 22/24 let's recreate this look for you. This will be a bit more expensive but I'm only going to talk about shops I can vouch for the quality so it will be worth it.

The skirt. This is the ponte knit skirt from Roamans. Available up to a size 32 and frankly if I"d had a bit more money I would have opted for this. If you are the more modest sort or want an A line shape for the skirt this velour skirt (also a great staple for goths) available up to a 5X (with an elastic waist so it could go up another size).

Both of those options are at shops where it's relatively easy to find coupons and stack hose with free shipping deals. These are two stores I highly recommend signing up for the email list after you're ready to order to get a welcome coupon.

Also both options can be easily dressed up or down and can go season to season. Worth the dollars.

I prefer plain tees and tanks. Tops you can do what you like. If you want something a bit fancier go for a decorated tank.

Now the cardigan is also where you can get creative. If you like a tighter shape, go for a classic button up. Now if I had the cash I would opt for this one actually. I love the decorated trim and the shape, available up to 4X. Head over to Woman Within to get a looksy at a lot of options with some great prices.

Again know your proportions. If you are smaller busted, you can probably try a size down for your sweaters and cardigans for a more loose fit. If you are busy like me, size down for a tight fit, actual size for a moderately fitted fit and up for a loose fit.

This is where I also encourage you to play with shapes. You can change how an entire outfit looks with just a change of skirt, or  adding a belt or something.

Now a word about thrifting online.

Outside of fat fashion specific communities let's talk ebay.

If you have time and some knowledge of your measurements and what you like here's what you do.

I searched 4XL Gothic on ebay rigth now and I'm presented with a lot of bustiers and junk. There are a few gems though.

Basically you want to try different varieties of keywords until you hit gold. My personal watched searches include a general goth search where I've picked up a few skirts and things, 7 Dansko, a few others. I keep my eye out for trends and to see if individual things I want are selling.

It takes some patience but whe you find that one awesome thing you feel like a victorious hunter.

Some other tips for online shopping. Avoid a lot of shops in Asia. I myself am obsessed wit cheap street style wear like the stuff from Romwe. But they have no plus sizes. Can I tell you that I am confident that if more of us cntact them and tell them to make stuff for fattiew and we will buy, it could happen? I contacted them a while ago and I think they were semi enthusiastic about looking into it. Tell them more. Matter of fact if you even want to tell them Shannon Barber aka nudiemuse from tumblr sent you that'd be great.

Lastly don't be afraid to experiment. Wear something in a different spot on yourbody. Wear a "loose" garmen tight, cut some shit up. Especially us poor folks, we gotta make it work. What we need is time and a sense of adventure that overrides our frustration.

Have tip? Share with the class my homies.

Homo Out.

Thursday, December 12, 2013


First this happened on twitter.

I participated a bit and got bored but let's talk about it.

First remember where the term microaggressions came from. read here.

Now like other issues among marginalized people especially these days a lot of things that come from POC are being used with other issues.

I am semi uncomfortable with this.

I am partly uncomfortable because too many people decide that once a term or phrase gets co-opted that is just what it means. The words we use when talking about marginalization whether it stems from race or size etc, have history and meaning. It is important to understand this before going full steam ahead.

Now that we have that out of the way let's talk about what microaggressions can do to us.

If you are a person who has heard the little digs your whole life, there is a large tendency to absorb them and come to believe them as the truth. That you deserve them.

As science and our lived experience has taught us, shame is a shitty way of life for everyone.

What do we do?

Personally I don't play the game. I've found that most of this back handed "concern" about my supposed dire health is rooted in people being assholes. They want to humiliate me into changing my body to suit them. Any concern for my actual health is never a thought.

In what universe does mooing at someone in public help them?

It is more crap in the cesspool of abusive behavior that passes for "concern" when it comes to fat people.

The fact that a fat person can't exercise in public, walk around, live their life without some asshole needing to humiliate them is proof that no they don't really care.

Here's the fact my homies.

Someone who takes time of of their day to say something shitty to you about your body, is not being helpful. They don't care about you. They don't give a shit about the reality of your health or anything else. They just want to be right.

There is no good reason to go out of your way to say or do something mean to someone to "improve" their life or body.


The line between micro and outright aggression is razor thin.

I personally refuse to believe that there is anything micro about the aggression people have demonstrated when it comes to the size of my ass.

I'm talking the insults, the moos, the backhanded compliments, the concern" when hey question what food I happen to be buying or eating at any one time, the proselytizing for the diet of the moment, the apparent super human ability to see my blood sugar, blood pressure or other vital stats.

It is flat out aggression.

It is war against my body and I m not having it.

I will cut it off, I will stare at people like they just grew another head until they flush and turn away, I will loudly proclaim that if they are so worried about what food I eat they are welcome to buy my food for me, if they dn't like what I am wearing they can pay me a large salary and I will wear whtever uniform they want while I am working.

Basically as I have said before fuck you pay me.

Otherwise fuck off and mind your own godamn business.

Want to "help" me?

Pay me a lot of money so I don't have stress about bills.
Demand that EVERYONE including Death Fat people have access to decent diverse clothing without searching the ends of the Earth.
Demand that EVERYONE has acess to basic quality health care without being abused by the system.
Demand that Gyms disallow harassment of fat people while they exercise.
Stop abusing people with different bodies than yours.

Oh but wait, your method is so much better right?

It's so much easier to try and knock people down and feel good about the fact that you told the fatty and "did something" about them than actually working for the betterement of everyone.


So my homis, this is the hard part.

Let's stop playing those reindeer games. Stop taking it to heart. Remember that people who hurt you are not good for you. Even if it is your family and they are the people saying these things to you, they are not in the right.

It doesn't matter how fat or thin you are no one has a right to abuse you because of the size of your ass. They are wrong. It is okay to tell them they are wrong and that their comments and behavior is not okay.

You person, with the big fat fat ass and you with the teeny tiny ass have the right to live with dignity and to walk around not being abused.

Do what you have to do to survive.

Need therapy? Get it.

Yell at people being assholes to you on the street? Do it.

Cut people out of your life if they can't stop? Go.

I know this is really, REALLY difficult and a lot of us can't et away. But you can work on yourself and deal with yourself and help yourself.

Don't give the assholes all your power they don't deserve it.

Remember you are not alone, you're not the only person this happens to. It sucks for all of us and we all understand.

As the saying goes, don't let the bastards get you down.

Sunday, December 08, 2013

Fat Fashion Fails Again.

Via tumblr I saw this article over at Bitchtopia. Torrid is rebranding again.

If you look here let's see what their rebranding is.


I have long mourned the pre pink Torrid days when a fat girl with alt tastes could buy some sturdy clothes for reasonable prices.

So considering pre pink think about this. I have three items I bought in the first year Torrid was open that are still in good wearable condition.

In the intervening years Torrid has gone trendy for a minute and now they are gong with the sexy.

They have also had a marked downturn in the quality of clothing they sell while upping prices substantially.

Let's talk about their quality first.

The last piece of clothing I bought brand new not on sale from Torrid was a shirt. Nothing super fancy, a little dressy and it was for an event.

I got to wear it once and wash it as per the instructions once before it just disintegrated.

On the other hand I have a halter dress from Walmart that cost half as much and has been through far worse and is still wearable and pretty.

Torrid wants us to believe that we are Plus Size and super sexy and are about to get something really special when in fact what we are getting is screwed. The lack of diversity of styles, the smaller sizing and the huge pricetags for shit merchandise is pretty awful.

I think of it like that scene in Anchor Man. Torrid is trying to make us eat cat poop, we're crying cause we're starving so we eat the cat poop.

Now frankly on a personal level fuck Torrid. On a bigger level fuck Torrid even more.

As I've said time and time again Fat Fashion just does not serve most of us.

Many of us are deathfatties and the supposed YAY fatties stuff doesn't fit. Or it stops at a size 22 or is juniors plus size.

Others of us are just too poor.

Some of us are too poor AND too fat (aw shit intersectionality).

What is sad to me is that even when we are supposed to think that we want to use our wallets to say YES YES MORE FAT FASHION, we can't.

I find it beyond frustrating that the issues of availability, varying price points and varying styles seems to be just too much for 99% of fat fashion offerings to deal with.

For me personally I am currently at what I call fat teenager size and I'm short so I can buy some of the teenager marketed plus size clothes. This is the first year in a long time I have been able to and the privilege is just insane to me. It feels pretty great, but then I think about my Death Fatty friends who have awesome tastes but not the budget or opportunity to express it and I get sad.

I will hold out hope that some retailer will have it click that fat people from my size wee fat asses to death fatties and beyond want and need affordable, diverse clothing that is easy to get.

Until then we do what we can.

To that end I'm going to do a post sometime soon on how I get some of my fatty fashions, we'll revisit my technique for online thrifting and YES Death Fatties I got you too boos, and we'll talk about some less srs business fashion.

That's it.

Homo Out.


I have some other news but I will share about that tomorrow. In the meantime Team Self Care Like a Boss how is everyone doing? I have not been doing it so well myself but I am trying. We'll talk about that too.


Monday, November 25, 2013

Oh Jezebel Really? Again?

So yet again a writer at Jezebel has expressed their super edgy unpopular opinion all abut how entirely not empowering the selfie is.

I'm not going to play clickbait but I will say again, feminists this is why nobody wants to play with you.

Now let's talk about the selfie.

Essentially a selfie is you with your camera or camera phone showing the world a thing.

It might be your face, your outfit, your hair, your shoes, your butt whatever.

When it comes to people who are under or poorly represented in visual media (fat people, POC, Trans* people, not mainstream attractive people etc etc) when you stand on a soapbox and proclaim selfies to be unimportant you are doing a few things.

First you are riding the high horse of (let us be honest here) women do stupid things and this is a stupd thing so women don't do it anymore. Because most often criticism of the selfie is directed at people who present as or identify as women.

Second you are assuming that the person posting their selfie (I'll use myself, fat black queer blablabla) already has access to a lot of images of people who look like them.

Third you are being a fucking jerk.

Here's what this author and most criticisms of the selfie (including the sexy or naked ones) fail to understand.

Representation is very important. From Childhood through adulthood and beyond. A quick google search could give you probably thousands of stories about people who after being exposed to a lot of unretouched pictures of people like themselves have boosted self esteem. Ask some fatties who have been around fat fashion circles for a long time how it feels to know that yes, yes  fat people can and are doing fashion.

Ask any child of color how excited they are when they can see kids like them on tv.

This shit is not new and it is not that fucking hard.

The next thing is presentation.

If we assume that there is no power in presenting yourself to the world as you want to be seen, we can agree that no selfies really don't matter.

But there is more than ample evidence that having the self esteem, freedom and ability to express ourselves and present ourselves to the world like YEAH MOTHER FUCKERS HERE I AM, is vital.

Not only is it vital but it is what?

Absolutely the meaning of empowerment.

The pressure to be Thin White and Beautiful but not too beautiful is a hell of a thing. Those of us who are outside and far outside of the Western Beauty ideal (thin white and pretty) spend a lot of our lives either trying very hard to get in at least glancing distance of Thin White and Pretty or we spend a lot of time fighting that.

Now when a person decides no fuck that I am not doing that anymore that is powerful.

The no fucks given about your beauty ideals attitude is beyond liberating.

Taking it to the next level and really working and living that, super extra liberating.

Documenting that process and not only being there for yourself and your face or your ass or your tits, is being there for every person who spends hours trying to retouch themselves or shuns cameras entirely.

When I started posting pictures of myself on the internet years ago the first thing that happened was "friends"saying I was pretty but who would then photoshop me. They fixed my cheekbones, my skin discolorations, my make up, they slimmed me down, they did the things that society says we should do before showing ourselves to the internet.

What happened was I stopped taking pictures. I stopped showing my face because in this process of "refinement" I was being told very clearly that I was not good enough as I am.

That was also a time when I would not let people see me without my hair done and make up on. I was ashamed of my naked face.

That suffice to say fucked me up for a very long time.

And then something else happened.

I started wearing a lot of outrageous bold intense make up and taking pictures of myself.

I forced myself to look at my face.

I posted the pictures where you can totally see that I am slightly cock eyed, I posted the zitty face pics, the pictures where my foundation wasn't blended evenly.

I took them. I looked at them.

I learned that no my face is not the most terrible thing in the world.

I realized that other people felt that way about their faces.

These selfies before they were selfies helped me to begin the process of giving not on fuck about what people have to say about how I look.

I got a lot of hate mail. I got creepy fetish mail. People stole my photo in order to compare me to Biggie Smalls or put on bad make up blogs.

I got threatened. Someone decided to try and dox me. I was told I was going to be followed and raped.

Now fast forward to 2013.

As with all flavors of bullshit the good has meant more to me.

When a young (like a baby she could be my kid) Black girl messaged me on flickr telling me that she wanted to wear bright make up so bad but thought he was too dark and ugly until she saw my pictures made me cry.

When a person with a body very similar to mine saw an outfit post I did they sent me a message on LJ I think it was telling me that I gave them HOPE.

So what can a selfie do?

The selfie can save a life.

The selie can transform someone from thinking they are the worst to having some hope.

The selfie can teach us that we CAN show how human and weird looking we are and we can celebrate ourselves.

The selfie can put a whole new level of visibility on disabled people, fat people, POC, Queers, People with non normative bodies.

The selfie can make us feel fucking sexy.

It can become the bedrock of us learning that no, NO we do not have to adhere to or aspire to Whiteness.

So to that writer I say fuck you and your edginess.

To the rest of you I say take that selfie. Post the fuck out of it.

And I will conclude with a selfie and a small announcement at the end of this post. This one is from last week/couple of weeks ago. My phone is kind of broken so I didn't instagram it. I will let y'all know when I am instagramming again.

And an announcement.
I have started an official dedicated beauty blog. I want to focus on brown people but everyone can read it. that here on tumblr. And I believe you can get an rss feed for it but let me know if that doesn't work.

Also there are now 3 stories available for download in my etsy store.  And I am planning on rereleasing my self care guide at some point and as someone suggested I am probably going to put together a greatest hits from this here lil blog thing together.

Any suggestions for that? Favorite posts? I ill edit them a bit but I'll put them together.


Wednesday, November 13, 2013

More reasons why I do not trust White Feminists.

This may or may not wind up being coherent. I don't care.

Here's the thing.

I do not trust White feminists.

Now I'm not doing links right now you can google shit for yourself.

I say I am not a feminist and will not identify as one.


Lots of them lately.

Right now my problem is crickets.

What is crickets?

Crickets is silence.

White feminists lose their shit over a lot of things but when it comes to women of color, crickets.

With all of the outrage about Pussy Riot where was that same fervor for Cece McDonald? For Marissa Alexander? For Quvenzhane’ Wallis when a popular satirical website called her a cunt? For Renisha McBride?

Where were White Feminists when the twitter hashtag #blackgirlsrock was co-opted by bitter angry White people? Where was the fervor when the hashtag #stopblackgirls2013 was trending?

Where were White feminists when Miley Cyrus and now Lilly Allen are using WOC as ornaments? Why stand up for Miley because people talked about her ass without mentioning how fucking racist all that was? Why aren't the majority of White feminists fapping to high heaven about Lilly Allen's new song, also listening/understanding that satire is understood but the time for using WOC as props, especially in contrast to lines like:

"I don’t need to shake my ass for you because I got a brain"
While having only WOC scantily clad and shaking their asses for the camera and for Ms. Allen's apparent amusement?

Why are we still using Black Bodies this way? Why in this feminist anthem is this supposed to be okay?

Why when during the aftermath of #solidarityisforwhitewomen things came around again to White women's feelings?

Why will feminists rally unquestioningly around racist shit and remain silent when people of color are murdered?

Why are our supposed allies quick to want to jump into any conversation about bodies, twerking, hair or colorism but when more voices are needed, when it is right and proper to be fucking outraged, crickets?

The minute WOC could actually benefit from the voices of our supposed allies, silence. Until after the fact or someone "feels bad".

Here is the deal White feminism.

You can't have it the way you want it. Intersectionality is a thing it is real and if you are not doing it, or engaging with it or making the effort to understand it you are doing it wrong.

 To quote Flavia Dzodan again.

You can't be anti-racist or say you are not racist if you are not trying. The lip service to intersectionality, diversity and concern for WOC is not enough anymore. It just isn't.

It is 20-mother fucking-13.  I will say again that there are more resources freely available for everyone from the layperson to the major academic, to understand why these things are problems.

There are hundreds if not thousands of amazing POC bloggers who have been saying this shit for fucking ever.

There is absolutely no reason this needs to keep happening and yet it does.

To wind up let me say fuck your feminism. Fuck your feelings. Fuck your  commentary. Fuck your anthems. Fuck your feelings.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

A little less serious.

Hello again my darlings.

I've been on a bit of an unplanned but necessary hiatus.

I have found myself in a place of complete emotional exhaustion. The last few months has been so full of the type of racism that gets under my skin and just hurts me so I've put myself in the corner for a time out.

No news.

Little facebooking.

Heavily censored tumblr.

And I feel a little better.

I can't really process anything serious right now so let's fashion shall we?

Last weekend my partner and I went out and did some puttering then came home and he made me a hell of a hot toddy.

First my favorite recipe.

You need:
1 awesome tea cup
Cinnamon Whiskey
Tea. My personal favorite is Good Earth'sSweet n Spicy.

Boil water use 2 tea bags and brew it up nice n strong. Add booze to taste. Enjoy. This tea/booze combo is particularly good to have with some apple or pear slices and fancy cheese.

Toddy in hand and my partner snoring I did a little mega deal shopping.

Target which used to be my go to for basics has gotten themselves onto my shitlist. Instead I turned to Kmart.

Two things. First of all their website is kind of a mess to navigate. Second of all I got some cute things.

Between the Jrs plus sizes and the womens sizes I got a cardigan, some shirts, a pair of Dickie's pants (which I will review after I wear them) and a few other things for less than 60$.

Now homies here are some of my discount shopping forever tips.

  1. ALWAYS have your measurements on hand. Write them down and keep them in a notepad doc on your desk top. If you are unable to do that measure your favorite pair of pants and use those measurements. 
  2. Don't limit yourself to the tag size. Especially for Death Fatties. I am talking to you. Something may say it is a 28 but if it is a stretchy garment sometimes it is worth it to give it a shot.
  3. Don't limit yourself to certain stores. Even Death Fat folks. Especially for broke people always check size charts to make sure.
  4. Coupons and email lists. If you don't like getting a lot of non personal email here is what you do. Set yourself up a new gmail address and use it to harvest ALL the email lists and sales. Also take notes. A lot of stores (I can immediately think of Woman Within) give you a coupon code on sign up. Most of the time you don't get it until after your first order so here's what you do. Get together what you want, then sign up. Use the coupon code and make your order. Always get the newsletters.
  5. Keep track of what you need. I normally separate things into basics (shirts, pants, underwear, plain socks), Fancy bits (fancy skirts fancy socks, fancy tights etc) and Serious Business (coats, boots, bags). 
  6. Look for stuff in unexpected places.
Let's use underwear as an example. I'm not talking awesome sexy underwear, just regular period acceptable undies. I like Hanes. I went to Big Lots a couple of weeks ago and they had a whole bin of various Hanes undies on sale for 3-4$ a pack in sizes 7-11. Also think about stuff like pantyhose, ankle socks, trouser socks. Look at places like drug stores, Big Lots et. And always take the time to dig through the bin.

Next up keep your options open. I like to save up/make my budget and then go through my sale emails when I'm ready to buy. 

What else?

If you can afford it buy two.

Example. I have one pair of pants that fit really well from Old navy. I bought them on super sale and looking back I should have gotten two because we all know Old Navy has awful quality control when it comes to fit.

It is worth it especially for plus size people. 

Next thing is to decide what you will and won't pay major dollars for. Personally I won't pay a lot of money for stuff like plain tees, yoga pants, or underwear.

I will spend as much as I can afford on things like boots, bags (I paid full price for a Chrome bag dudes, best investment ever). 

For me I base it on what will serve me. I have sensitive little fat feet, and I need good shoes. I have only recently come to terms with this and am till struggling with it a bit because I am a sucker for super cute cheap ballet flats.

What else can you do?

For folks outside of the US it is time for some teamwork. Canadians I'm lookin at you.

Go in on orders with another person. The easiest way to do that is have one person be the holder/payer of the monies. Get your order together and make it. Person who is the holder of the monies splits up the booty and sends it out. Get a bunch of people in on it. Especially if you shop say Torrid because you can get some good coupons for spending over 100$. 

Fatty powers activate.

Have a trade. If you know other at folks anywhere close to you, whomever has a living room can host a swap. Social media makes it super easy to organize. Make a facebook group, make it as private as you need to, invite friends. Have cupcakes and tea and swap. Anything left over donate to your local shelter or other charities.

Ebay searches. Save goo searches. If you need a specific type of shirt, try different search strings then when ou hit paydirt save it.

Sell your extra stuff. You can use tumblr or LJ etc, Big Cartel or whatever and open up your closet. Save the money to buy yourself cool stuff. You can also trade that way.

Also when you find something don't be stingy.If you're not buying it share with your friends. IF you are on ebay and see a fantastic size 26 rockabilly frock, share that shit on social media. 

My point is also that shopping doesn't have to be a solo experience or even be terrible. Show your friends shit you find, spread the word about sales or coupons, before giving up on a garment or tossing it ask if someone else needs it.

Now if Uniballer and I can get our shit together I will post pictures of my Kmart goodies.

And in other news I have opened a new little Etsy store where I will be selling original bits of writing. Currently there's only one erotica story available but I will be adding stuff as we go along. Feel free to follow and heart and stuff. 

Eventually after I replace my PC (she died RIP) and get a printer I might do some other arty writing things. Stay tuned.

That's all.

Homo Out.


Thursday, October 24, 2013

Hey Allies let's talk shall we?

Many times in this wee corner of the internet allies have indignantly told me they absolutely will not ever shut up.

This stemming from my frequent use of the phrase shut up and listen.

I've been told NO NO NO.

I've seen self appointed allies ranging from White Feminists, Anti racists, hetero allies, thin allies etc etc wax poetic about how they'll keep shouting from the rafters.


Let's do a thing.

I'm gonna take you way back. I'm going to assume we all went to 5th grade.

So let us pretend we are in a big ass 5th grade class together and we're starting to learn about say, cedar trees.

Now in our 5th grade class let's say that the ally who will never shut up is called Whoop, now we're all learning together and Whoop just keeps talking.

Whoop yells about the time they saw a cedar near the road, the time they planted a sapling but it may or may not have been a cedar, when the class gets to smell some cedar they declare loudly that THEY DO NOT LIKE THE SMELL AND OTHER PEOPLE ARE BEING TOO SENSITIVE OR WHATEVER IF THEY LIKE IT.

Now in that 5th grade class most likely our teacher would say things like.

"Thank you Whoop can you please be quiet now"

"Whoop, please put on your listening ears."

"Whoop if you interrupt again I will have to send you to the hall."

"Whoop if you continue I'm sending you to the principal office."

Now Whoop may be well intentioned. Whoop may be a super sweetheart and super smart. But, as Whoop keeps hollering and interrupting and talking over the teacher, Whoop is probably missing some information.

Many of us in class might think Whoop is overall pretty cool. We might invite them to our sleep overs, share our lunch with them, play with them at recess.

But at the same time we may want to shove Whoop out of their chair every now and then and tell them to shut the hell up so we can learn about the freaking trees.

Now let us put that into the context of politics.

People who refuse for various reasons to shut up and listen often are trying really hard to come from a good place. What they fail to realize is that it's not a good stance.

When you adamantly refuse to acknowledge that your opinion in an instance isn't necessarily needed and decide that your voice is so important on an issue that probably doesn't directly concern, what you're doing is participating in a system that silences marginalized people.

Let me break it down as it applies to me.

I am oppressed on various axis. Here in my little corner of the internets I talk about a lot of these things.

Now, when people come in all ass and elbows proclaiming their ally status and follow it up by telling me in nine million ways why they will never shut up and never come back, what are they doing?

How can we learn if we're constantly yammering?

In any other context we know rationally and emotionally that doing X thing is really rude and counter productive, why is it in the context of activism people seem to forget one of the most basic and simple methods of learning things.

Furthermore if you tell me that you are my ally in fighting racism, sizeism whatever and you actively silence me because maybe I said something that hit too close to home, maybe my life experience freaks you out, maybe you're guilty of some of the things I talk about and therefor you decide that you will not listen anymore, what are you?

The other problem is that when people do this, this is called a tone argument.

For me personally this is among the worst things people do.

Here is the mistake.

As an ally especially if you belong to the group of oppressors (whether you personally take part or not) telling me if I don't speak to you in a certain way you won't be an ally anymore, you are telling me you're not really an ally. You're a fair weather fan.

If as an ally you can't handle the real feelings and emotions of the people you are supposed to be riding for, you need to ask yourself what you're really doing.

Are you an ally because you think you're supposed to be?

Are you an ally as long as people are nice and non threatening and want to hold your hand and sing kumbaya?

If the answer (and yes this is hard as fuck to be honest about) yes, you are not really an ally.

Yes I'm saying if you do these tings, if you participate in a culture that oppresses me and people like me, you are not an ally you are part of the problem.

If your self appointed allyship comes with a truckload of caveats and buts, save it.

Save it or keep it to yourself because those of us really doing the hard work ain't got time for that.

If this hurt your feelings or your first response is to start hollering about how you don't do it, or what about your feelings, what about this that or the other thing stop.

If this post made you feel defensive, I hate to break it to you but you have work to do before you engage in this work with me or with anyone else.

This is work that I cannot and will not do fo you. I will not break it down further. I will not chew it up and spoon feed it to you. I say I won't because I believe in you, I think you can do it without that.

Now ready for something else homies?

So here you can read my latest non fiction publication here at Literary Ophans. Enjoy, spread around.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

No one is talking about you in particular.

First I want you to go have a looksy at this article by Marianne over at Xojane. Yes I know just read it.

Now go ahead and read a few comments.

One thing that happens whenever people talk about cultural things, societal things, systemic things is that someone always makes it about them on a personal level.

This happened here in this entry. 

I see it happen in any conversation about bodies, feminism, etc.

There are always people who say but, BUT IN MY LIFE....

Now here is a lesson on how to tell if a subject let's say it's about clean eating like Marianne was talking about is about you in particular or is trying to tell you what to do shall we?

Now had Marianne (I'll use myself as an example) said Shannon the way you talk about clean eating grosses me out, it would be about me personally.

At that point I would be smart to say well Marianne in my life this is a thing and it's a good thing etc etc.

If Marianne said, (as she did) the way people talk about clean eating in general and the connotations with the idea of some food being clean and others dirty is problematic, that doesn't have my name on it

This is also a problem when totally not racist people, make any discussion about racism focus or center on their thoughts, lives or experiences whether or not they are salient to the conversation.

One of the problems is that we all think we are always right. If eating clean works for us then it must be the answer to everyone's problems.

If fresh produce is readily available where you live, it must be like that everywhere right?

If it's feasible for you to take every set of stairs you see, then it MUST be feasible for everyone else right?

If it's good for you to exercise until you vomit or injure yourself, it MUST be good for everyone else.

If it's good for you to gain little or no weight while pregnant and emerge from pregnancy "better than ever" that is what we should all do right?

Y'all are smart you see what I'm doing.

This is called prescriptive attitudes. It is also being a jackhole bossypants.

There is a special kind of narcissism that gives a person such an inflated sense of moralistic righteousness.

Most humans don't tend to tolerate this on a micro level. We don't like people shoving their religions down our throats or telling us we are not allowed to wear something etc. It is a problem.

If you are one of the kind of people I"m talking about here is a tip to remember. Not every issue that is talked about is about you, your personal beliefs or choices.

You on a personal level can eat, fuck, wear, or believe in whatever you want. That is dandy, in fact it's pretty fucking awesome.

On a macro level, these things have deep implications that merit discussion. See again Marianne's point about the problem of what it means when we call something clean vs dirty. As lovely Marianne and I because it's a great phrase keep saying words mean things.

The other thing that means things?

Macro vs Micro.

Macro is big. It is society, it is culture, it is systemic things. Big. Macro. Large.

Micro is smaller. Micro is your neighborhood, your life, your ass,  your choices.

Here is where I think people lose the thread. Your micro is not the same as mine. That is not bad, it'snot divisive. It is even  not that difficult to figure out.

All you really have to do is not be an asshole. Don't assume because something is good or works for you that everyone must do that thing.

If reading this made you feel defensive, you may be one of the people I'm talking about. Calm down if you are. It's okay. You may need to work on some shit or flounce off into the sunset. Either way if you are one of these people now you know how the rest of us feel about you sometimes.

Now how do you deal with this? Remind yourself that not everyone has to live your particular life. Not everyone can speak to your particular experience especially in a personal space. Your world is not the whole world.

Say it again with me, your world is not the whole word.

That's it for now.

Homo Out.


Thursday, October 10, 2013

Abuse for fun and bullshit. #fatshamingweek

Right now for the past what few days and/or week there has been a hastag on twitter that is #fatshamingweek.

Essentially this is yet another clever way for people who seem to care so much about fatness to be abusive and behave like assholes.

As I have written about previously, being abusive is not the way to demonstrate how much you care about anybody's health. It's about being a bully and deciding that it's super funny to try and shame fat people into not being fat anymore.

Let's have a look at what the people who have been participating in this hash tag mess and the people who thought it up are really doing shall we?

Now as I pointed out in several of the above links, psychological research has shown us time and again that emotional abuse, bullying etc is not good.

When people decide that they are going to go in on something like this they are effectively deciding that the object of their anger and shaming are:

  • Less than human.
  • Undeserving of basic respect.
  • Undesireable (because let's face it the target here is mainly women) and therefor of no value.
  • Etc
If we go on the assumption that for the lone quality of being a fat person, it is okay to set about abusing the Fat (because obviously if someone is fat they aren't human right?) fat people would not exist.

If this method of shame, abuse, bullying and debasement worked as a method to "solve" fatness, there would be no fat people. 

If Fatness is the worst health problem, how precisely would abusing fat people solve it?

If we are talking that this is for health, what if this was cancer? Could one in fact shame or bully people out of their risks of cancer?

Does it work?

If any of these people were to turn their efforts to people with a chance of say breast cancer, could they shame them into having radical cancer avoidance surgeries? If it is logical and okay to use abusive tactics to force people with a health issue to change, why don't we use it to battle every preventable health problem?

If as someone said to me on Twitter that abuse works to keep people thin, wouldn't we all be thin?

If abuse worked as a means to keeping people healthy, wouldn't we all be super healthy?

Wouldn't there be no cancer if we could abuse people into not having it?

This is ridiculous.

Frankly while I find messes like this irritating it also serves to show me very clearly who I need to not speak to.

If people think it's seriously okay to abuse other people because they find them unattractive because let's face it, if they were in fact really concerned with health it would involve more than LOL YER FAT, those are people who are not really worth my time or thought.

Abusers are going to abuse.

What I do concern myself with is putting that on blast.

If you spend an afternoon tickling your own funny bone by being an abuser, you clearly have far more problems than most fat people.

If you are really concerned about the state of other folks health, try asking if they re okay. Try concerning yourself with the lack accessible quality health care. Concern yourself with the travesty that is the inequality when it comes to health care.

If you want to "do something" try looking around your own community and finding out if people can get preventative care.

If your idea of solving any heath issue is simply abusing or harassing people on the internet I pity you.

So at the end here's the facts.

The people wanking themselves into some kind of self satisfaction that they've "done something" about the fatties are shit. I will state unequivocally that I do not believe they are worth the bytes they are taking up on the internet. A waste of carbon, water and space.

#fatshamingweek is nothing but a circle jerk for assholes. That's all. Those who are participating are doing nothing but intellectually masturbating themselves into self righteous egogasms. Their abuse means nothing and only serves to show the rest of us how abusive they are.

That's all.

Homo Out.


Wednesday, October 09, 2013

A Thing Happened.

So I'm just getting over a cold and over the weekend I spent some time reading links and whatnot about fatness and body image etc as shared by people I know on facebook.

Here's what happened.

I read an article that a lot of other fat folks I know through this here lil blog posted.

It was frankly real goddamn close to this entry here.  Also strikingly similar to other posts I've made.

THen I realized that the person who wrote it does read here or at least has told me so. The people who shared the link and some other similar ones and were cosigning and agreeing etc. The sharers were calling the fatties to arms to share the message everywhere.


These are people who have told me time and again how much they love my work but as I mentioned recently I'm Not a Nice White Lady so my work doesn't get as much respect.

That's what it comes down to.

Y'all, I had a really hard time. I cried.

I am not much of a crying person but I did.

The problem isn't me being unfamous. That's fine I don't give a shit.

The problem is that every single time I see these articles especially the ones where I suspect people got paid, and they say things that are so so so SO close to things I've already written and I know the authors I feel disrespected.

I feel the weight of being a marginalized voice.

I feel the pain of knowing how much work I have put into this space, how much hurt and upset and blood and sweat and MYSELF I have put into my work here, and I think of you little group of ride or die folks who have supported me and told me I've helped you etc and it just fucking hurts.

It hurts so much more when it's very clear that part of the reason I don't get the same treatment is because I'm not a Nice White Lady.

It hurts so much more when it is coming from people/areas where I would think SOMEBODY involved would be decent enough to say, we should mention Shannon or run this by her etc because she just fucking wrote about this.

I don't want to give up on writing here necessarily but I am becoming more and more mindful of seeing myself if not outright plagiarized than a close cousin.

I know that this is part of writing on the internets I know that. It is still fucked up.

I'm not saying I need everyone in the world to come to my aid or defense or whatever. I don't need to be internet famous. I don't know.

I guess I just don't want to bleed and be the inspiration to Nice White Ladies who don't give enough of a fuck about not being part of the silencing of WOC to at least give props where props are due.

I don't want my best friend to be hurting when she sees these things happen. I don't want to have to talk both of us down from righteous rage.

I don't want to bust people out on the internet.

I don't know.

I want people not to be such fucking douchebags.

I know that probably won't happen.

I am resolving not to cry over this again. I'm not giving my pain to the issue. I will keep doing what the fuck I do because it is that important to me.

You my homies and haters are that important to me.

Because I know you ride or die readers have been through it with me and I feel your loves and appreciations.

Also let me be real right now.

This is the raw real truth.

White women I see you. Don't think because I don't confront you or link to it or comment that I don't fucking now when someone has stolen from me. I know. I see. I remember.

I see you. I know what you're doing and I hope it feels terrible.

Now my darlings that's all. I'm still pretty wiped out from the cold but I wanted to tell you what's going on.

I'm working on figuring out what to do with my feeings. How I want to proceed. And how to care for myself enough that I don't get to the place I was in on Sunday.

Now I turn it over to you. I have a question for yall.

I am thinking about writing a new Self Care guide. One specifically for marginalized people who identify in any way (or want to) as Femes.

Thoughts? Questions? Anything Femme related that you'd be extra into seeing?

Homo Out.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Killing the Fantasy of Thinness One Pants Size at a Time

I am very tired so no links but feel free to google.

Kate Harding, years ago coined this phrase The Fantasy of Being Thin.

Recently I've also spent some time admonishing Tim Gunn for apparently only recently understanding that if one is over a size 10 (he said 12 but lets be real here) fashion as it is done in fancy fashion places does not serve anybody.

We know this.

What y'all probably don't know is that I have had one very concerned, dedicated troll whom we'll refer to as T#1. For background this gentleman once upon a time thought it would be cute to demand I send free fap material pictures and when I didn't he became my apparent White Knight in badly proxied internet armor.

Every couple of months he will send me a note via any number of social media to tell me how sickly I may look in a photo, or that my weight makes it look like I'm about to drop dead.

Recently with my mystery weight loss he has decided that since I am not really that fat anymore, it must mean that everything I've said about fat, being fat, etc is nullified.

Like every other healthist asshole on the planet seems to think when they talk to me, my weight is now a symbol of me turning my back on fatness.

Actually it isn't.

So let's talk about that.

I'm being pretty open here so bear with me. Last October or so I started losing tidbits of weight. Then in December I had the worst cold/upset. My insomnia took a few really bad turns. I was very stressed out for quite a while, and just after my birthday in March I started to realize I had lost a fuckload of weight.

I don't use scales so we're going by pants.

Last Nov/Dec my size 16 pants from Old Navy fit pretty damn well if a little baggy in the ass. I felt good. My normal health problems were doing their things, I had no extra health problems aside from colds and shit. The illnesses and frequency of them was normal because of my insomnia. When my insomnia is super bad the first thing to start freaking out is my immune system.

Looking back, I felt in the bodily sense very normal.

But my ass was shrinking.

Let me assure you of a few things. Here are some of the things that my current weight has not cured me of.

Being a total asshole. Sometimes I am a hateful asshole like every other human on the planet. Losing several pants sizes did not cure this.
I don't hate my formerly fatter ass, I don't hate my current ass. I am not retroactively against being fat.
I am not morally superior to anybody who has a bigger ass.
I am not now miraculously super happy.
Still not a diabetic.
Still have mid normal blood pressure.
Still have one shitty kidney.
Still am a chronic terrible insomniac.
Buying pants that fit properly is still a problem.
And very salient to my point today, I am still treated as a fat object. A bucket of fat fatty fat fat ass disease.
Here's the thing.

People who have seen me with a size 16 ass and my current size 12 ass treat me the same way but with different language.

I am subject to random semi strangers congratulating me on my weightloss without ever asking if I'm okay. In all these months it has only been some other fat folks who have first said, are you all right?

It looks like this. Here is what annoys me.

Person X: WOW look how much weight you've lost. YOU GO GIRL. KEEP IT UP. KEEP GOING YOU'LL BE SO SEXY IN TIME FOR NEXT SUMMER.

Person X: You have made SUCH good progress. *At which point they start pointing out my remaining flaws while recommending insane diets, diet pills, dvds, "programs" etc to spot treat my "problem" areas.


Person X: You are SO good. I couldn't blablabla.

When I respond, people don't really listen. Again we see that if it was in fact about my health things would go more like this:

Person Y: I noticed you lost some weight, are you okay?

Person Y: Are you feeling all right?

Person Y: I love you and just want you to be okay.

See the difference?

While I am not in the range of socially unacceptable fatness at this point I am in that other sticky place where it is assumed that I am mid diet or have done something super amazing.

I am still treated as a disease by doctors. To them most of the time if I would just keep losing weight my health problems would disappear.

This is the effect sizeism has on my real lived life.

For people like T#1 things like my body's natural set point, stressors, potential health problems (that I don't' currently have but mystery weight loss can be indicative of), or what it means to suggest that I am suddenly morally superior to other people and my previous self only on the basis of the size of my ass- just don't matter.

That is why 99% of the War On Obesity, anti fatness, fatphobia etc is complete entire bullshit.

Having a smaller ass has not spared me any of the following:

People using "you're a fat bitch" to try and shut me down when I speak.
Invasive assumptions about what I do or don't eat and how much I do or don't exercise.
Judgemnt based on nothing except for my ass.

The real truth is that thinness doesn't really save you from anything.


Weightloss is not a curative of ALL the things.

That is not to say that for some people weight loss is something that is good for their health Here's the thing, I can't make that call. If it is not my body I have no place sitting in judgement. Neither do you.

One of the things I find to be an absolute imperative of FA or any body politic movement is the understanding that while yes on a societal level weight loss as the cure of every ill is not only a bad idea it's dangerous, bad for your health blablabla. On the flip side of that coin, I cannot tell another person that how they are dealing with their own body is bad. I won't.

For me personally I don't feel anything on a moral level about my weight.

The only things I'm super concerned about is staying as healthy as I can be, keeping my weight stable, keeping myself fed well, not overdoing it with the exercise and right now pants.

I need new pants and if you've read me for a while you know that sudden needs for new pants throw me into a poor people tailspin.

We'll talk about that later.

Bottom line is as I've said before, as many other people have said before getting or being thinner doesn't magically turn one into a Skinny Awesome Person.

All it really means is, you might need new pants.

Homo Out.


Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Things I've said before.

When it comes to my years of blogging there is one thing that irritates me beyond everything.

Lately as a result of the #solidarityisforwhitewomen tag on twitter, a lot of White women suddenly realize that WOC exist, have shit to say and that it's apparently not awesome to be coming from a racist place.



I understand that until a Nice white Lady says something is true, other Nice White Ladies can't accept it. I understand that and yet I cannot for the life of me not be irritated as fucking shit when I see article after article that basically regurgitates the work of WOC.

This is something I take very personally and as hard as I've tried not to, I can't help it.

I've seen it in fat blogland and FA in general, I see it on huffpo, I see it on facebook, I see it on tumblr.

It just lights me up.

What gets me is that in spite of what I hope are earnest Nice White Ladies trying to do something about these things, is they NEVER refer back to the WOC who have already said these things.


This leads me to believe that these Nice White Ladies don't actually give a hot fuck about intersectionality. It's just a word to them.

A thing to be talked about and sometimes they will say things that sound nice and give them an opportunity to pat each other on the back about how committed they are to intersectionality and diversity but when it comes to doing things beyond lip service like:

  1. Shutting up.
  2. At the very least paying some sort of homage/respect to the work of WOC in particular.
  3. Not only having Nice White Ladies write Nice things for each other.

When it comes to Fat Acceptance in particular I have seen more fat WOC driven away by this flavor of bullshit than I care to think about and I totally understand.

It's beyond frustrating to do this type of work, to talk about these things from a non-academic unsafe personal point of view only to see that our work and our words are so often left out. In FA spaces we have to deal with microagressions, tone policing, "you go girl" neck rolling finger snapping nonsense and it's just too much.

Also please note these are very much part of the reason why my little blog here is not for everyone. This as I keep saying is not FA/Feminism/Anti Racism 101 let's hold hands and be shiny and happy together type thing.

It's just not.

This is also a lot of the reason why my posts get sparse. I just get fed up and tired of putting in the work and seeing shit I've said MANY times woven into shit other people are writing.

Frankly at that point I'd rather stick to my professional authoring and save it for essays.

And then I remember that this is my fucking space and I do what I want.

Right now I'm thinking about what more I want to do with my little space here.

I don't know.

I'm annoyed. I feel a lot of anger on the behalf of my fellow WOC especially my fellow fatties who have important shit to say but can't be arsed to play on the FA playground because of erasure and the constant need to break down why a lot of specific things are a problem and why we don't want to deal with it.

To that end let us establish some rules for my sandbox.

  1. Do not bring the "fat is the last acceptable predjudice" shit into my yard. Google why I don't like it.
  2. Nothing is EVER the "New Black" in the context of struggles.
  3. Do not bring your kumbayah let's all hold hands and pretend like race doesn't exist nonsense here either. Don't.
  4. White Womens tears will be used to keep my skin youthful and glowing.
  5. Using my current weight as some sort of validation that FA is bullshit will get you mocked. Mercilessly.
  6. No I'm still not a feminist and will not reconsider right now. 
  7. Yes I have extremely good reasons for #6.
I think that's all the rules I need for right now.

If you are new here don't trip over yoursef o tell me how you're not like X because if your first instinct is to yell about your hurt feelings/generalizations/try to shut me down with your feelings I'm not here for that.

So that's all.

Later this week I'm probably going to talk about ome things that have gone on since my mystery weightloss, my health, the assumptions I've been dealing with and how I really feel about it.

Until then.

Homo Out.


Monday, September 16, 2013

My Body Reminds me.

Lately,I've been getting more exercise during my day to day activities than usual. This weekend Uniballer and I super cleaned our apartment. I did a lot of heavy physical work and was reminded of several things.

First thing is that my body doesn't do what I want it to when I'm physically exhausted. Even though I lifted, scrubbed, moved etc and my body was done I still had an awful time falling asleep. Once upon a time I habitually worked out to the point of physical collapse because I fully believed if I just exercised enough, ALL my problems would be solved.

At the time yes I got thinner but I also very seriously exacerbated my insomnia. Not just my insomnia but I also did a lot of extra damage to my joints and frankly the consequences outweighed the benefits of my rigorous no pain no gain exercise routine.

Lesson is, self don't do that. It's rude, and you just wind up sleepy and sore.

Second thing is I am for serious bad at keeping my blood sugar up especially when I'm active. At one point I was just going going and scrubbing walls and shit like a boss and then...I was almost in tears, and I was shaking.

Uniballer was busy and I kind of got in bed and was despairing and on the verge of a panic attack. It wasn't until I was teary and wanting to sleep did I realize I hadn't eaten in hours or had anything but coffee or water.

Lesson two. Listen to your body self. It sends distress signals and you should heed them unless you want to collapse in a panicky mess.

One of the self care issues I battle with is not ignoring my body. 

This is something I am not good at. For many intersecting reasons I am not always as attuned to the goings on in my body than I could be.

Some of those reasons include coming from a background where it was hard for me to take a day off if I was sick. Not having money to eat regularly all day long. Etc etc.

I mistake hunger for thirst, I tell myself that fuck my hurt feelings/low blood sugar/hurting whatever I WILL do the things. ALL of them regardless of what those things might be. Frankly I exhaust the fuck out of myself with my own bullshit.

This my friends is where I remember to tell people I trust that sometimes I forget to eat. They will remind me. Sometimes it's a gentle, have you eaten? Other times it's a friend telling me bitch will you shut the fuck up and go get something to eat.

Whatever works.

I've had kind of an intense last few weeks. From training someone at work to doing a serious grown up writer thing and I will tell y'all about that later. I've also not been sleeping much per usual so shit has been kinda rough.

And per usual when I am stressed out my skin starts looking kind of rough and my hair is a little neglected. 

I'm fixing that.

Or working on it at least.

More water, using my good skin care shit. You know the drill.

I am dealing fairly well with my stress. I'm trying to keep myself fed and hydrated. I'm not constantly freaking out about my broken front tooth. The tooth is one of those things that I will obsess over. I was already self conscious about my teeth and then right in the self esteem, a big ass left hook.

I know some of y'all think I am super great at self care.

I'm not really. 

I'm not any better at it than you are.  I just know myself and how to unfuck myself.

You can do it too. No really. Even if you had a routine, and it has since fallen to pieces. You can do it again.

Drink some water. Have something to eat. Have a walk, have a nap, have a cuddle with your dog, roll around in your front yard, dance around naked, 

You can start right this instant.

Take a big deep breath. Let it out.

Tell yourself okay, some shit is bad right now but I can make it. Now self DO THE THING and then I want you to do the thing you need to do.

If you have nothing to do may I suggest a god bootyshake break?

Queue up your music, move your hindquarters until you don't want to anymore and you win.

Homo Out.


Tuesday, September 03, 2013

This is Real Shit.

First I need you to go read this as posted by my friend Peech over on tumblr

Got that?

You don't have to read the responses but let me put it this way.

When one is marginalized especially in very visible ways, (being of color, being fat, being visibly queer or non binary in terms of gender or presentation etc etc...intersectionality holy shit) it's not an exercise in intellectual masturbation to think about the things Peech was talking about.

This is our entire lives.

Our whole lives.

One of the things I mentioned there was this:


This is (Peech tell me to shut the fuck up if I'm wrong here) a really prime example of how privilege functions like a battering ram. White people can giggle/not give two shits about this stuff, and for people of color it's our whole fucking lives.</blockquote>

Let's stop there for a moment.

This is where we remember that marginalization is intersectional and this can apply across a lot of things. 

When marginalized people talk about our lives and things like how frustrating or stressful dealing with the every day microagressions we face.

When we are talking about these things or ask about what would you do White/thin/etc people in our place, that is the time to not use your privilege as a baseball bat.

This is not the time for us to hear about or center discussions on your feelings.

If you are not part of the marginalized group, don't make it about you.

The fact is not being a racist or sizeist or whatever ist is hard fucking work. Part of that hard work is in fact learning that your icky feelings about a thing aren't always the most important feelings.

For instance.

When fat people are talking about say, bad treatment by medical professionals because they refuse to be weighed, refuse to deal with WLS pushers or are otherwise branded "bad" fatties, that is not the time for thin people to come in all ass and elbows screaming, BUT WHAT ABOUT ME.

That experience is not about your individual experience. This type of conversation is about a systemic oppression that causes everything from a few minutes of shame and public crying to death.

Now let's go back to Peech's post and I want you to look at some of the responses.

White people got angry and offended and did not take her question at all seriously. Too many people showed no empathy, no reasoning. That is called using your privilege like a bat and that is why the idea of putting the onus of starting and moderating discussions about oppression by the oppressed fails.

From both within marginalized communities and without there is a constant idea that if only the oppressed were nicer, more polite, more tolerant, more open, etc (this is called respectability politics) than the oppressors would suddenly see the error of their ways.

When many of us marginalized people try to do that a lot of bad shit happens.

First of all it is exhausting. Trying to be the rational explainer of ALL THE THINGS is emotionally and physically taxing. It's highly stressful and more so when the people one is trying to talk to so nicely, respond with bullshit.

Second of all, even when we marginalized people are the nicest, most respectable wonderful patient people, often our efforts result in nothing. No furthering of the discourse, we are tolerated to a point but are the first to be pushed out of conversation if our tones get to be too much, or if we stand up for ourselves, 

When the responsibility of being the most humane in a discussion that is rife with inhumanity is focused on the victim end of things, nothing goes well. Nothing.

Not only do we rarely get even a small amount of respect but after we've done so much hard, taxing work, it gets stolen.

People "borrow". People are "inspired". People steal our words and we are never backed up. It has happened to me personally, it has happened to other bloggers I like etc etc.

At the end of it, marginalized people wind up angry. We tend to want to deal with no further bullshit from self proclaimed allies who don't want to be allies unless they are getting a handjob while they do it. We don't want to hold your hand and feed you cookies for being decent or treating us like human beings.

You don't get extra favors for basic decent behavior even when it involves marginalized people. 

These are the stressors that cause so many of us to say, you know what fuck you. Fuck your allyship we don't want it.

It's why so many of us stop blogging, stop even trying to do educate me on this issue 101 because 90% of the time it's not appreciated and ignored anyway.

This is real shit.

This isn't a hypothetical.

This isn't a moment to say but but I'm not like that.

This is the moment where I can comfortably say from the bottom of the hearts of marginalized people,

fuck your feelings. 

Homo Out.


Friday, August 23, 2013

Really Mr. Gunn?

Oh Tim Gunn.

So apparently Tim Gunn has discovered something all of us over a size 12 have known forever. Fashion as it is done in the mainstream is not for us.
Ahem. Sir, Tim I love you but really?

In short, it's time to get honest about sizes and bodies -- women shoppers come in all shapes, including "plus-size" ones, and there's nothing wrong with buying clothing that bears a size in the double-digits. There may not be enough stylish, trendy plus-size clothing on the market right now... but if the up-and-comers on "Project Runway" can be convinced to start designing those clothes, it might be a good place to start.
Uh...for real though?

So according to Wikipedia Mr. Gunn has been in fashion since 1982.

So tell me again sir, in all those years how did the fact that every model, every marketed line, 90% of designers you deal with will not deal with a body that is not a thin body, ALL of the advertising, ALL of the models you'e worked with you only just now have noticed that mainstream fashion industry is outright hostile to diverse bodies?

I love you Mr. Gunn but you are full of shit.

If Project Runway was in fact a good place to start, how about giving the designers some serious dressing downs about the complaints every time there is a challenge involving "real" models?

WHY wasn't the designer who essentially said his fat client was shapeless and had no style, some consequences for being such a fucking dick to his client?

Look. Fat people have been saying for years, fashion is doing us a disservice. I have said for years that if more designers, brands etc would stop doing fat fashion entirely wrong, they would in fact make their money.

If we're to believe as so many retailers claim that fat fashion doesn't sell let's look at the ways they have set it up to happen:

  1. Stores (Hi Old Navy) that make it so you can only order plus size clothing on line and are notorious for sizing issues.
  2. Store/brand owners, talk about how they don't want fat employees or shoppers in their stores.
  3. Fat specific stores tend to cater only to those with money, those who are small to middle size fat or their quality is questionable. Yes Torrid I'm talking about you.
  4. Brand name companies who are known for specific styling (Lip Service I am talking about you) get hyped up to sell their fat size clothes and the plus sizes have nothing to do aesthetically with their brand.
So stores/brands do this and then say oh but it failed.

Of course it failed because it is set up to fail.

Other ways retailers fail is that they don't use models who fit their clothes.

A thin model (hi Woman within) does not look the same in clothing made for a plus size body, as a plus size model would look.

When it comes to any non normative bodies whether they are fat, gender queer, etc retailers tend to act like they don't know what they are doing anymore.

So Tim Gunn, it's not a maybe it is an absolute.

Here's the thing. Retail is commerce and commerce is fueled by money spent. If we examine some of the more popular fat fashion brands, a lot of fat people have a lot of cash to throw at well made, well dsigned clothing. I personally don't but that's neither here nor there.

This is why the idea that fashion is for every body, as it is put forth by Thin Pretty White People who are sort of into body acceptance fails.

Now let's talk brass tacks real life.

My position is that regardless of my love of high fashion and that part of the industry, has nothing to do with my real life nor how I clothe myself.

The problems are not necessarily centered on me not being able to buy a Marchesa dress at Lord and Taylor. How many of us really need a lot of high end designer wear?

The problem is when say I need a pair of decent pants. I can't go try them on in a lot of places, a lot of stores don't use measurements on individual pants, you just have to guess and pray.

The problem is that if I really need to buy a bra I can't go to Target and buy one. I have to go to Lane Bryant where I'm going to spend two or three times more.

I can't just run down to the local whatever store and buy an outfit for an interview.

I can't just run down to the mall and have a 90% chance of walking out with exactly what I need.

This isn't a maybe this part of the population is underserved. This is a holy shit this part of the population is underserved.
As I've said before if we as fat people are supposed to believe that we should do anything necessary to lose weight, we can't even walk into a sports store or high end outfitter like Lulumon and get what we need.

It is bullshit.

And Tim Gunn, sir I am disappointed in you. You are smarter than that. You have so much more influence and power than I will ever have in my life and your conclusion is maybe?

I am disappointed.

I am pissed off and annoyed.

Don't blow smoke up the fashion industry's butt sir you are too good for that bullshit.

Homo Out.


Thursday, August 22, 2013

A Little Truthiness.

Okay I know some of y'all are new so bear with me.

Despite there being a bunch of you who are new and in from the fatosphere here are some trufax.

I am not new at this.

I have been blogging about bodies and things for more than a hot minute.

Some other stuff.

Readers both new and old have asked me pretty often about some issues and I want to talk about them today.

Normally those questions are about things like:

Articles on bodies, fatness, self care etc that seem a little too similar but not similar enough to my work to be outright plagiarism.

My lack of fame and/or infamy.


So here's the thing folks. There are very serious reasons and some of them include the fact that I am not a pretty White Lady. I'm not an educated White Lady and I am not a nice white Lady.

I am also not a fashion blogger so I can't be put down to being the Fabulous Sassy Fatshionable person.

As we learned from the #solidarityisforwhitewomen twitter hashtag thing started by Mikki Kendall.. If one goes around reading various sources we see truth of the tab revealed.

I saw a lot of people focusing and centering the conversation about the fallout of it on White women. As with Fatness or Racism or Feminism, or anything at all.

That is why I am not as famous or attributed as some of you homies think I should be.

The fact is that regardless of what I have experienced, what I am talking about, how much I know about what I'm talking about, how articulate or inarticulate I am, what academic or vernacular speech I use: I am doubted.

There is no corner or issue I can speak about where a lot of the people who are the faces and voices of these issues will be considered the experts.

Beyond that as I've mentioned lately this is not Intersectional Body Politics 101. There is too much information and work done on that for anyone at this point to be unaware if they have an interest.

This little space is 505. This is intersectional

This is shit that a lot of people who are only into talking isms and politics as far as You go girl or can only handle hearing the hard shit from people who are just like them.

The reality is that because I am who I am and I write the way I write and what I write about, you will probably not see me as the face or voice of shit.

Frankly my homies, at times I get very tired of all of this. I want to rage quit writing about the hard things because I need to know why am I expending this energy and doing this work when I know damn well that if a White lady says the same damn thing in five minutes, THEN it all makes sense.

This is where I heave a long tired sigh.

And then I think about those of you I've helped. Those of you who have told me when you've read a post about racism and shit suddenly clicked and maybe you were horrified but you started to get it and unravel what you've learned.

I think about how kind so many of you have been to me over the years. From the time one of you bought me pants, to people who have donated to hep me get my teeth fixed. The encouragement and support and lots of it.

The wonderfulness of you regulars might not make it ALL better but it goes a long way to mend my feelings when I feel this way.

So thank you friends who sent me notes about possible plagiarism and inquiring about the state of my health and teeth thank you.

How about some other news?

I am super close to having half of the money I need to fix my teeth. Fuck yes.

Next week I'm going to talk more about the #solidarityisforwhitewomen and why sometimes I'm kind of glad I am a less famous voice.

That's all.

Homo Out.


Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Let us Fashion.

Yes I use Fashion as a verb because we're doing it.

Given that I won't really be able to buy a lot of new things for Fall I'm trying to think of creative ways to remix my wardrobe.

Actually no wait. The world really sucks this week so instead let us fashion as if neither size nor money was a problem.

For those who don't know me I am an Old Goth. By necessity and lack o cash flow I don't really dress entirely how I'd like to. Now let us pretend that I don't have to walk a couple of miles on the daily and owned all the things I want.

Now one thing I do own that I splurged on a while back are a pair of knock of Lita's like these. I have been obsessed with Lita's since I first saw them and the pair of knock offs I bought were so cheap I had to have them. They are like the black with brown heels.

What I neglected to think about is that we don't really out anywhere and I can't walk in heels anymore.

BUT holy shit y'all they make my big ass hams look so good.

So now of course I want to buy ALL of the things to wear with them or shoes like them. Let me show you them.

These are not fatty size but precisely what I want. I want to wear funky ankle boots, faux leather leggings, layers of witchy tops and tattery shawls and wraps and things.

Unfortunately that's not the best plan given my commute so I pine.

Okay some links.

OMG this faux leather skater skirt is LESS than 20$. Get on that. Also remember that Jrs stores run smaller most of the time so be mindful. Even the plus sizes.

I am madly obsessed with this dress. It is just so damn expensive there is no way I would pay that much for a casual dress. If you have the money get to it.

This cheap little dress is also pretty awesome.

One of the bigger downsides of my bodily changes is that some of the stuff I've just been DYING to buy I just won't fit in anymore and I'm probably overreacting but I find it very upsetting.

This is where you can picture me laughing kind of bitterly because I had a savings plan for some of this stuff and then my fucking teeth broke. Only me y'all.

In the meantime, I will daydream and imagine.

See, I have this deep desire to achieve what I call Nazgul or Evil Queen Realness. I want to look terrifying and feel beautiful and shit. Shit is hard though.

Okay I'm going to be real with you guys.

All I want out of my Fashioning is to feel like YES I did this. I miss the feeling and emotional certainty that I look exactly how I want to look at any one time.

Over the years I've had to accept this about myself. I don't care how other people want me to look, the only opinion that matters is mine and I feel more depressed when I (for whatever reason) am unable to maintain the appearance I like.

For a longtime I made myself not experience those feelings. I fully absorbed and believed that I had no right to that. That I was just being vain and dumb.

If looking a certain way no matter what it is makes you feel good and happy in your body, get it.

Again I will say, don' t pay to make yourself miserable. You don't have to play that kind of acceptability game unless it directly impacts your ability to keep a roof over your head.

As I've said before if you have to wear a uniform or conform to a dress code, don't get fired. That said, outside of work you look however you please.

For me, I am going to do a lot of going through my wardobe and figuring it out. I will not make mysel miserable because I have a giant ass expense to take care of that is kind of taking over my life.

Homo Out.


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