Tuesday, January 01, 2013

2013 it is happening.

So New Year is upon us and it is 2013.

My darlings let's talk about surviving the bullshit slew of shit that January always brings.

When dealing with people who are prattling on about their new super moral super awesome diet and they turn to you wanting to know how you plan on changing your body this year I have some tips.

Here are some alternatives that may shut down diet/weightloss as good and moral conversations.


  1. Someone asks you about/if you're dieting as a resolution start talking about taking Metamucil or eating more fiber so you can poop more. Pooping regularly without upset is pretty fucking awesome. Pooping is a big part of understanding how your body works, what foods are and aren't good for you individually and are a good emotional/stress meter. If people want to talk about dieting you need to talk about pooping.
  2. If you have them, talk about setting a goal to keep better track of your periods. Wanna talk about health? Periods are serious business for a lot of us who have them and keeping track of them can help with dealing with a lot of things like mental illness, chronic illnesses, knowing how menstrual issues might cause certain issues. Also, a huge part of a persons health.
  3. Start talking about changing the way you eat so you're not exceedingly gassy at work.
  4. Start talking about how much you're looking forward to getting more hydrated and keeping an eye on how your pee looks and smells.
  5. Talk about the scaly spot of skin on your butt that you'd like to minimize.
Here's my reason.

WHen people try to involve themselves in your body, in how much weight you could lose or gain, how you look naked if you aren't consenting to them seeing you naked, speculating on what illnesses you may or may not have or get, they are being very forcefully intimate with you.

If their premise is your health, then give it to them.

Because our weight is not the only thing involved with our health. 

When people come at us on the basis that they are JUST SO CONCERNED FOR OUR HEALTH, okay fine.

If you want to talk to me about my health, we can't just talk about the size of my ass. We are going to talk about my pooping schedule, possibly if I'm having a two poop kind of day. We're going to talk about how I need to be very careful about too much fiber in my diet because I get painful gas and bloating and I don't like that.

We're going to talk about how entirely unfair it is that I love fruit so much but if I eat too much (which for me is like the recommended daily allowance) I get the fiery shits.

You want to be concerned about my health?

Fine.

If you are ever so concerned about my health I'm going to talk to you at length about how as I get older I'm having these crazy heavy bleeding clotting periods.

I will explain to you how not awesome it is when you sneeze and it feels like your tampon just shot out at speeds that might take out someones eye.

I'm going to talk to you about how in the Winter my skin gets so miserably dry from the neck down that at least once every winter, I get a crack in the crack of my ass.

Here's my big point here.

I don't like people trying to get intimate with me in a coercive fashion like that. Over the years I have decided that if you are going to do that I am going to punish you by making you feel uncomfortable.

When someone says, "omg why are you talking about that in public?"

To which I can respond very politely, the same reason you are talking about the size of my actual ass in public, I'm a rude mother fucker.

You don't have to say it like that but you get my point.

My darlings, this is 20 mother fucking 13.

We are living in the future.

You and me? We made it through some shit didn't we?

Here's the thing.

As my 36th birthday is heading my way and my body is doing some crazy shit I can't really control and some other shit has happened. 

Frankly we do not need people trying to insert their views into our bodies. Not into our mouths via preaching to us about what not to eat. Not into our butts by telling us that if only we'd do THIS HOT NEW EXERCISE we'd be awesome with a non jiggly ass.

We do not need people telling us how we can and can't live in our bodies.

It doesn't matter what kind of body you have, what gender you are, how you present that gender, whether you are disabled or not disabled, chronically ill, mentally ill, fat, thin, really fucking thin, really fucking fat, etc.

Nobody has that much authority over you and this is the year we need to start putting out collective foot down and saying no, NO you are not going to tell me how to live in my body.

Nobody gets to dictate to you how you live in your body.

Let me say that again in case anyone thinks I am leaving them out.

YOU!

HEY YOU ON THE INTERNET WITH THE CONNECTION.

I AM TALKING TO AND ABOUT YOU.

AND YOUR MOM.

AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET.

NO ONE EVER HAS THE RIGHT TO DICTATE HOW YOU LIVE IN YOUR BODY.

NOBODY.

Even if they did/are any of the following:

  • Gave birth to or contributed to your genetic make up.
  • Are dating you.
  • Are trying to date you.
  • Are related by blood or other things.
  • Have Dr. in their name.
  • See you walking down the street.
  • Read your blog.
  • Read your OKC profile.
  • Are serving you in a restaurant.
  • Are a barista you are buying coffee from.
  • Someone in line at the store.
  • Diet/fitness gurus.
  • Fashion magazines.
  • Every other random asshole on the face of the planet.
No one.

I want for all of us to start if you haven't and continue if you have, giving no fucks about what people believe about how we live in our bodies.

This includes people using us as inspiration for fitness, weight loss, weight gain whatever. If we don't consent they do not have the right to do that.

You can tell people no.

If you don't want to get rude like I do, practice just telling people "no I'm not doing that." You can say, "no I don't feel the need to do that." You can. I promise you can.

Now when you need bolstering remember this.

These people aren't in your body and therefor aren't privy to the internal goings on in your body if you don't share them.

Most people who want to comment on your body have nothing to do with you or how you are living.

They do not need to have any power to change or fuck up your universe if you don't give it to them.

You don't HAVE to let people into your world that way.

Is it easy?

No actually it's not. It's really fucking hard but, like many things in life it's hard but worth it in the end.

So my darlings, my haters, my homies let us ALL understand that our bodies belong to us.

Let 2013 be the year you, yes you right there learn how to give no fucks about what people have to say about your ass.

None.

Not.

A.

Single.

Fuck.

Remember that what's important is that you live your life in the way that is best for you. Not in the way that makes other people comfortable.

That is what I want for us my friends.

For all of us.

Happy New Year my darlings.

Homo out.

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4 comments:

Sophie said...

Some of the best comebacks for the inevitable new years weight loss resolution questioning! Hilarious! Thanks.

rebecca said...

You are the actual best.

Tapati said...

OMG I love you!

Veronica said...

Hehehe, this was excellent!

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