First look at this silly picture done with an FB app.
The important thing though is that when I've talked about my self portrait/ugly beauty ideas before this is the sort of art I was talking about.
I want to be weird looking and maybe bloody. Not necessarily beauty shots, I don't want to photoshop myself into an inhuman version of myself.
I want to make myself a little uncomfortable along with other people.
Here's the thing though.
When it comes to self portraiture frankly a lot of Nice White Ladies have ruined it for me.
When I first got interested in doing this sort of thing, it boomed and then well all the commentary and all the photos involved lots of Thin Nice Pretty White Ladies and frankly after trying to participate and it exhausted me.
I got so tired of all the cheerleading for the Nice Thin Pretty White Ladies as pioneers of any kind of self awareness or body acceptance.
Then time passed, I forgot about it.
Now looking at my silly zombie picture I want.
So I'm declaring that 2013 needs to be when I start trying this again.
I'm going to need to practice make up things, save money for wigs and costume contacts. Relearn how to use my digital camera.
I don't really need costuming. My idea is more in the style of a beauty shot with commentary.
But it's not about beauty.
I want to see myself in ways that aren't how I normally do or anyone normally does. I want to play with my concept and ideas about beauty.
I mainly want to do this for selfish reasons.
I have over the years hated my face so much, so much that at times in my life it was hard to leave the house. I was so ashamed of my fucked up teeth, how oily my skin is, my dark marks, I considered plastic surgery. I considered having my face scarred in a body mod way so if people were looking at me they would just have to deal with that and not my actual face.
As I got older I decided I had to deal with it. I had to learn to be able to look at myself in the mirror and beyond that just live with my face. To that end for a while I made myself stop wearing make up because I thought that dealing with having my naked face in the open would force a change.
Instead I was just miserable.
Then I faked it. I wore outrageous make up and smiled while inwardly I was cringing and yes, again ashamed when people looked at me.
Gradually, the looks and comments stopped mattering.
I noticed I'm a tad cock eyed, my face has foibles.
Now I like my face. Sometimes I love it. Sometimes I don't recognize it as my own. But I am not ashamed of it anymore.
I understand that regardless of what anyone else says the only important opinion about my face is my own.
Some days I am nervous about looking at my face.
As I age though I am more fascinated. I wonder how many women or bois or whatever I can make myself into with my fuckton of cosmetics.
I wonder what I can do and how happy it will make me.
Also please remember don't read these posts and think I'm fishing for compliments because compliments and other folks visions of what beauty is or isn't, isn't really my problem.
My problem is my own eyes and part of fixing what my eyes see is exploring the options.
Last year I said something very like this, took a few pictures and quit. It was too hard.
I don't want to quit this time.
SO to that end I invite you if you use instagram to follow me. I like to take fotds and they aren't always the prettiest pictures ever. But I make a point to post them. My username there is weebeasty.
I think that's all for right now. I feel like I want to think about this more and decide on the first thing I'm going to try.