Monday, February 25, 2013

Why can't you just be nice?

Why can't you just be nicer?

This is a question I get often. Whether it's from some Nice White Lady whom I've offended with my uppity Negress take on whatever racist bullshit has gone down that day. Or the people who say, OH it's just words ignore them, shine on blablabla.

There is a going theory I hear mainly from White people that if only I personally was kinder, nicer and less angry about everything, nothing would hurt and everything would be okay.

These are the same type of people who after reading something I've written about racism, will come back at me with MLK and Ghandi quotes.

These are the same people who will tell me to be both physically and verbally non-violent like their model POC, don't be threatening. Don't be loud. Don't be angry.

First I'm going to tell you where being nice and trying to be non confrontational and understanding got me.

For years I would never just tell someone to shut their racist asshole mouth.

I spent hours, days and who knows how long trying to gently steer and teach. I would offer up things like, could you please not say X thing around me?

For instance.

When I was young I had White "friends" who would do things like, if they suddenly smelled something sweet or fruity would look at me, wrinkle their noses and say things like:

"I bet that's some Black persons hair grease"

"Ew why do Black girls wear so much perfume/use cheap lotion."

At which point one of them would make eye contact with me, smirk and say in one of those saccharine sweet tones,

"oh but we don't mean you."


"you're not like those Black people."

Sometimes it wasn't race but size. I remember vividly a good friend calling a girl who was point of fact far thinner than me a cow, then when I asked her fairly politely if she thought I was a cow too, she blew it off with the ubiquitous but you're not fat comments and back handed compliments.

These folks are what us pros call microagressions.

As an adult I call these things passive aggressive bullshit.

At the time, I would try to excuse any ignorance spewed by people who supposedly cared about me. I told myself that they just didn't know anybody, afterall they weren't talking about me. 

And then at one point I realized yes they were.

I remember all too often especially going to school in a pretty White place, that I heard all manner of Anti Blackness from people who supposedly didn't know better than to say it, but sure knew what to say to hurt.

I expended a huge amount of energy trying to hide my tears, trying to talk to people who would look at me like I had asked for a kidney and their first born when all I had in fact asked for, was for them to think a little bit or at least save their comments for when I wasn't around.

Guess where that got me?


Here's the big problem I have when people tell me to be nice to racists, sexists, homophobes, fatphobes etc etc.

If the only thing you get out of an emotional (and no emotionalism does not negate the point) rant or whatever thing I've said, is that I'm angry and need to calm down, what are you doing?

You are pointedly ignoring what I've said.

Wait let's put it in another context.

If I came to you and said, hey friend this person punched me in the face and I"m scared and don't know what to do. If I were angry about being punched in the face would that be okay with you? If you had punched me, and I was firm and yes aggressive about why I don't want you to do that again and the repercussions of you doing it again, would that be okay?

It is very telling when you tell someone that they should drop their boundaries to make you feel comfortable.

When White people tell me that they are uncomfortable with my tone when I talk about racism, I see what's important.

It's not important to you that I am okay, it is not important to you that when I state clearly and yes aggressively that I am not dealing with or okay with someone say, telling me that because I'm fat I should die for instance, that it's more important for you to be comfortable.

When you tell people not to be angry or emotional, or strident about things they are passionate about you are missing the point entirely.

You are ignoring the pain of the person speaking, ignoring their experience and doing to them what we as a society abhor doing to people who are abused.

If you assume that if I stay very calm and ask someone very nicely not to behave badly towards me, that the person who is acting badly towards me respects me enough to say, oh jeeze sorry about that.

It would be nice if that's how my world worked but it's not.

Most people are too invested in being right, too steeped in their own privilege and entitlement to acknowledge that they may have behaved inappropriately. Most people, if they are willing to get their racist on in my presence while looking me in the eye, or telling me that they hope I die- those people are not willing to respect me as a human being.

Someone explain to me in clear terms how that is okay?

For all of the people over the years who have taken issue with my tone in my blog when I talk about certain subjects, or things that have actually happened to me not one has ever had enough respect for my humanity to come back and explain their position.

Too many "Allies" have come here patting themselves on the back for reading a blog written by a fat black queer woman and believing that they are perfectly within their right as allies, to tell me how to express my pain or my joy.

In any other instance, if I were a Nice White Lady wouldn't we call that abusive?

For instance.

I've talked about this before but last year there was an incident where a carload of grown white men not only cat called me but, when I told them No fuck off. They came back around the block screaming racial epithets at me and had my bus not come I believe they were going to get out of their car to harass me.

As many times as I have talked about it (sometimes calmer than at other times) every time several people have taken the time to contact me to tell me to calm down. That, Seattle isn't racist so it must not have happened that way or I took it out of context.

Do you know how many times I've been called nigger or nigger bitch to my face?

Do you know how many times I've had White people tell me to calm down about it, to be nicer, to "ignore" it, or my perennial favorite that it wasn't "meant" that way?

I've asked on many occasions and not one of those people could tell me how someone calling me a nigger bitch to my face, could possibly be "meant" that way.

No one has ever given me a good reason.

Not one of the people who implore me to be peaceful, nice, change my tone has ever apologized for contributing to my abuse.

On the other hand, watch a Nice White Lady get called a bitch or made fun of, and people come out in droves.

Or, some Nice white Person gets mad about something that happened to me, and other Nice White People suddenly are raising righteous fists in anger.

The next time you are tempted to tell me or anyone else to change their tone to make you more comfortable think about this.

If this person was standing in front of me with a bloodied nose and black eye would I be saying this?

Would I want someone to tell me to calm down and be nice after I have been abused?

If you answer no, you have your answer.

If you answered yes, you are part of the problem.

The bottom line is this.

Do not tone police people. Tone policing contributes to the macro and micro abuses of people like me. When you tone police people, you are hurting them. When the story is not about you personally, how it is told is not your decision. Don't beat people with your privilege. More so if you consider yourself to be an ally.

You want to be an ally and be given cookies and hugs for being decent?

Be decent.

That's all.

Homo Out.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

More reasons why I am not a famous fat blogger.

Someone sent me a question a while back, er a comment I guess telling me all the reasons I am supposed to be famous on the internets by now.

She is astonished and puzzled as to why I am not as famous as she thinks I should be.

I've talked about this a little bit in the past.

Here's the thing.

There are a lot of reasons why. Among them are the fact that my little blog is not the easiest for the general populace to digest.

Over the let's say past six years or so, I've hurt a lot of feelings because I am not the sort of blogger to hold hands when I feel like my space or boundaries have been violated.

For instance, recently I posted this entry about racism in the Leather community and some recent events that led me to say how much I am wary of White Queers.

Some folks understood. I got one note from a now former reader who was very upset about how because of my "strident" stance about racism and how I express myself surrounding race issues, decided it was personal and needed to tell me that I hurt their feelings with my anger and they won't read me anymore.

I replied Girl bye.

I am not here for that.

The fact is, I will not kowtow to the feelings of other people when they are too wrapped up in their own feelings and entitlement issues to respect me, my feelings or my space.

That's just it.

That is not something fame, even internet fame tends to tolerate.

Also as I've pointed out before, I am not a Nice White Lady.

When it comes to most everything including blogging, and often being a widely read blog the default (especially in America) is the image of the Nice White Lady who is pretty and whatnot.

I am not that lady.

I have heard from former, fleeting and regular readers that because I am outside of this normative view, some folks can't deal. For some folks this is why they come back, others don't because I am not the droids they are looking for.

I am frankly too okay with not being the droids for everyone.

I am very comfortable with who I am and how I express myself in my own space.

One of the problems of being a Famous Blogger or even having it be a lucrative thing for me is as I've had issues with, I have a potty mouth.

If I say fuck, let us assume I absolutely mean to use the word fuck and did not use another word on purpose. Even when it's come to adult things (sex toys etc) this is a problem.


Not much money beyond a few pennies from my Babeland, Amazon and Detrivore affiliate things.

I'm very okay with these things.

I am entirely disinterested in being the educational point of contact for everyone who can't or won't deal with, own, or learn about privilege etc. I just can't. I tried for a while and I find it too emotionally taxing.

Now that we have that out of the way let me say this.

Thank you.

Those of you who have sent me notes and asked me these questions thank you. I don't know how I can properly express how much it means to me when you tell me that you needed to hear my voice.

It means more to me that I have reached out into the universe and touched so many of you in your heart area. I know that getting a check cut is nice. It is really nice.

What feels better to me is when you tell me, holy shit I never thought of that. Or, that I made you think, or that you want to hug me, or that you come here because you just think I'm neat.

I appreciate.

So my homies and haters, I am not mad that I am not a famous blogger.

I'm not mad that I am not the voice of a generation.

I don't need to be.

I only need to be the voice you need to hear.

I am here for that.

Later this week, we're going to talk about my upcoming 36th birthday, the ONE thing about aging that I cannot deal with, my health, the size of my ass and other stuff.

Homo out.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

No I'm not impressed.

There have been articles and webtoons sent to me as I dunno, "support:" of fat acceptance.

Here's the thing.

I don't give a shit.


If you have been reading me, you know I put work into what I do. It takes time, effort, and a lot of energy to do what I do.

Unlike some FA bloggers I have not gone on to fame and fortune. I haven't gotten a book deal (nor do I particularly want one right now), I am not the sort of blogger who is palatable to the masses, my brand of FA isn't the most forgiving of fuck ups etc.

I am comfortable with this.

What I'm not comfortable is the gentrification of fat issues by non fat people.

I understand that if a thin/ner person says, OH HAY being the way you want to be in your body is okay, is more palatable to the masses but, that doesn't mean that I think it's okay.

I don't think it's time to start giving away cookies and cheers to people who appropriate the words, feelings and experiences of people who are actually fat and not just giving lip service to these ideas.

I loathe the fact that everyone wants to say YAY NO BODY SHAMING to thin women who want to be the face of body acceptance.

I hate it when I watch people (who even know me) talk about how there are no POC FA voices.

It's fucking bullshit.

It's awful.

Here's the thing. Aside from me there are a lot of other fat bloggers who are talking about health, their lives, their clothes etc. The important thing to understand here is that we're not talking from a theoretical position. We're not talking from the high privileged position of the already accepted Thin Pretty White Lady Ideal.

The important thing is that our voices are difficult.

Yes, it's harder to accept that losing weight might not solve all your problems when it's coming from the mouth of a fat person because as the internet has pointed out, fat people never know what they are talking about.

What makes me the angriest is that in any other case, people would be up in arms.

It's the truth.

So rather than sending me a link written by a thin person about fatness, how about saying. Yeah well we've been saying this all along.

Want to be an ally? Want to actually do something other than pat yourself on the back because of how progressive you are, what with your accepting of us fatties?

How about standing up for our work?

Tell people not to ride on our backs and steal the essence of our work.

When my blogging falls off or slows down this is usually why to tell y'all the truth.

I get very tired of seeing things I've been literally talking about for at least five years, get picked up by more acceptable faces and oh how the congratulations fly.

It is really too disheartening for me to try and keep up with ALL the places where I see the ideas I've already put forth being put into practice for fun and profit by (usually) Nice white People.

It's too exhausting to keep up with the not fat people who like to talk about fatness in what they think is a positive way.

So, let's agree that if you see articles or videos or cartoons about fatness that are not written by fat people and give no fucking credit to those of us who not only talk about these things but we live them, do me a favor and don't show them to me.

They just hurt and demoralize me.

Now, I'm trying to get out of a depressing bog when it comes to things I want to blog about. I'll be back later this week with some less heavy subject matter. My heart needs it.

Homo Out.


Monday, February 11, 2013

Racism, leather and Queers I don't trust.

First I need you to go read everything my friend Mollena has written about this, actually you can read along if you want to.

Before I give you the link let me warn you, this is about blackface, racism and the leather community. Mo's blog isn't super work safe and you might see her boobs.

Proceed here.

If you can't go to her blog let me give you a quick version.

Bar in Portland books a notoriously racist ass drag queen who does blackface. I'm not giving either the name of the queen or the bar, if you google you can figure it out.

I'm not here for that.

A few short points before I get to what I want to say.

  1. Blackface is fucking racist.
  2. Blackface is STILL fucking racist.
  3. I'm not going to be nice about anything I have to say.
  4. I will not put up with fuckery in the comments.
  5. White people, this is not about your feelings so if you're feeling super sensitive I suggest saving this entry for another day.

I want to take this out of the context of racism for a minute because, apparently the theme this year when race comes up is White people wanting to tell me and other folks of color what racism is, how we experience and how it makes us feel.

So let's go with something we can all understand a bit better.

Let's say you and I are riding the same bus.

We're both minding our own business, maybe reading or listening to music.

Maybe we know each other to say hello to. 

This morning we're on the bus, give each other the hey bus homie nod and sit down. Halfway to our destination someone walks up to me and hits me in the face.

When the police talk to you, would you say well, I mean I don't think it hurt her that much she was only bleeding a little bit. And maybe she kind of deserved it. She could have moved, she didn't have to take this bus. I mean her face was like, right there when his fist moved.

Would you do that?

Would you say, well I mean it might be assault but I've been assaulted and it was way worse than that so, it's probably fine.

Would you?

Another situation.

Let's say we've been friends, maybe not besties but friends for about a year.

We hang out, we like to do stuff together. We are homies.

Let's say we spend a night in and I tell you that someone I know sexually assaulted me and I am really scared and not sure how court will go.

Would you say, well you know Shannon maybe you should have been wearing your hoodie all the way zipped up, he could see your collarbones. He knew there was boobs under there. Maybe you should bind your boobs and wear those urban sized hoodies next time.

Are you appalled yet?

How about this.

I tell you that a carload of men catcalled me and then came back to threaten me for not showing them my tits?

Would you say, that's totally not sexism. You're just being overly sensitive, I bet they didn't mean it that way.

Another one?

Okay how about this.

I post a photo of myself playing Unreal Tournament (my favorite video game right now) it gets picked up and Gamer Dudebros go to town. I get called slut, cunt, fake gamer girl etc etc.

Would you say, well you don't really look like you're playing so it's fine. Don't be so sensitive, it's just words. It's fine.

How are you feeling?

Here's the thing.

I see White people go nuclear buckwild to defend certain things. People are appalled when others argue with sexual assault victims as to whether or not they were assaulted, feminists LOSE THEIR SHIT if someone says, oh you silly women that's not sexism.

You know it's true.

Now, why is it White people how is it reasonable that you can say a man cannot tell a woman whether or not she's been raped, but you White people can tell me whether or not something is racist?

That's my big problem with this whole situation.

Every supposedly non racist white person who goes out of their way to explain to me just how not racist Blackface is, or how they aren't sure so they are gonna say it's kind of okay, or how we Black folks just need to be less sensitive, that we don't know when things are racist, that our pain is less important than you being right.

This is why I get so angry and fed up with White people and why I declare that I am not to be talked to about Blackness by White people especially during Black history month.

With all of the supposedly great things about the leather community, I have seen your ugly side again. I watched on facebook as a few names I recognized on a personal level, those people said shit that just boggles my mind.

How can someone who thinks of themselves as this super non racist person, really try so hard to argue down the reactions and feelings and experience of Black people about Blackface.

How can you (yes White people I am talking to you) be so blithe about something that hurts members of your community so badly?

It's not like none of us spoke up.

A lot of People of Color from all over and who are involved in the scene in Portland, said flat out that this was not okay. That this, is fucking racist and we don't want it.

Why is it so much more important to you that this racist shitbag of a human being, have a space to perform their humiliation scene than it is to be a real ally to your friends of color?

Seriously I want to know.

Once upon a time I wanted to get really deep into the leather/kink scene. I wanted to do a lot of the sort of things that my dear friend Mollena is doing. It was my dream to have a safe place in the scene to explore, I wanted to write about it, I wanted to create a warm place where I could get beaten and bloodied for fun and maybe money.

Something happened that wasn't a huge thing but it completely destroyed my dream. I was told by a White person that, he couldn't be bothered to do a scene wit me because, "Black skin won't show marks and that's unattractive." I had people tell me that while I was "cute" they weren't at all interested in Black women. I had the experience of having people explain to me that Black women are just not that attractive because we're all so masculine looking.

When I told people I thought were my friends how uncomfortable it all made me, they did this kind of shit. They told me I was overreacting, they told me oh it's okay X person is just really into blondes, you're overreacting. It's not racist it's just a preference.

I had a small interest in race play and frankly the one experience I had bottoming to it, was not okay. I don't talk about it that much because it was of course one experience. When I told that person I didn't want to do it again, it turned into yet another time a White person wanted to talk me down from my truth and how I was feeling.

Other people argued with me about why I was wrong to feel that X thing someone said or did was coming from a racist place.

You know what happened?

I left.

I left because my trust was broken. I did not feel safe.

Now this situation.

I watch my friend Mollena pour out her heart, I watch people on her blog and other blogs and facebook continue trying so hard to prove to us angry old Black ladies that no nothing is racist we're just over sensitive.

I want someone to explain to me why we shouldn't be angry?

Why is it okay for us to be hurt and pushed, to have close friends say fucked up things to us and we're just supposed to take it?

Are we so less than human, are we only supposed to be fuckable but never have real feelings?

Can Black women not feel pain?

Are we not allowed to say, no?

This is a race scene I did not give my consent for.

I will probably never really participate in the scene again. It's a.) not that important to me and b.) more importantly not safe for me.

Not. Safe.

There are reasons I don't use my fetlife account anymore. I find it gross and disheartening that in addition to the usual random cockshots and whatnot, I have to deal with White men who fdeel it's perfectly okay to to completely depersonalize me or open their messages with things like "Hey Brown Sugar" or telling me their video ho fantasies.

I am not here for that.

It's exhausting to deal with.

Yes, it makes me fucking angry.

I will continue to be angry.

White Queers, I will be watching you carefully because frankly I don't trust 98% of you.

I don't trust you to stand up for me as you might your White peers.

I don't trust you to respect me as a fully functioning human being who is more dimensional than how fuckable I am or how sassy I might or might not be.

I don't trust you because, out of one side of your mouth you say you're totally not a racist but, you can't believe a Black person when they say, no this is racist. You want to be right so badly, you commit a worse act of racism by completely erasing the identity and voice of Black people.

As for those of you White folks who have ever felt the need to state that you're not on one side or another when it comes to a situation where people are saying there's some racist shit going on.

Fuck you too.

I can't even talk about this anymore.

My stomach and head hurt. My heart hurts.

And the very worst part of all of it is this, I know that for everything I've said here I'm going to get at least one message from a White person who "isn't like that" and they are going to be so gung ho about their own reputation or feelings that they too are going to ignore every single word I said so they can be right and feel like they are the non racist person they think they are.

I know that, in the context of things I would much rather be confronted with Blackface or outright straight up racism because I know where I stand.

You people with your sneaky colorblind racism and ability to reason away my feelings and humanity are the worst. You hurt me the most. You scare me because I might love you, I might think that you are here for me and that we are friends, and then I realize we're just not.

I'm tired of getting my heart broken.

I'm tired of having to beg, scream and stomp my feet to convince you that I'm a real human being and that no, I'm not talking about racism because I learned about it in a class.

This is my fucking life.

This is my fucking emotional stability.

This is me protecting myself.

Those who were perfectly okay with how all this went down, I will remember your names and what you said. 

Understand that every time you tell me or any other person of color how to feel, how to react to the racism we experience, you are the worst part of the problem.

The. Worst.

That's all.

Homo Out.


Tuesday, February 05, 2013

Fat Black and Weird, you have found your people.

One of our homies here at Chez Shannon has some concerns.

Mainly she is concerned about aging, being a weird fat Black lady.

First of all. welcome to the fold my homie.

You are officially in your 30s.

Let's talk about aging.

I personally have no beef with aging. I'm human, I'm mortal. I'm gonna age. Things change and frankly I think it is a vast waste of time, energy and money fighting aging tooth and nail as we're told to do.

If nobody has told you, you don't have to look 21 forever. You don't have to come into your 30s looking "better" than ever.

You really don't.

Most of the super youthful people who are held up as role models for us honestly have a lot of things most of us do not.

  1. Enormous amounts of income which translates to the best of dermatologists, plastic surgeons, products etc.
  2. Enormous amounts of time to devote to the things above.
  3. They get paid to look "youthful"
  4. They have armies of stylists for hair, clothes etc etc.
So let that whole ideal go.

Now here's where things can get messy so let's get it out of the way.

If you want to fight aging with your time, money and resources you can if you wanna.

Here's the part where I say something that is difficult to work out sometimes. You can do whatever the fuck you want but you don't have to do what our culture tells you to do.

It sounds like a very simple distinction but to put it into practice (oh HI self esteem and fat acceptance) is really hard. Also sometimes it's nice to just hear that you have the option.

Now let's move along.

Here is what I have found amazing about my 30s.

As much as I may have given no fucks previously, being firmly in my 30s has taught me that I give even less of a fuck. As I get older, I get tired. I don't have the energy to deal with a lot of the shit I had the energy to deal with in my 20s.

In my 20s I could sit and patiently explain why my make up is none of anyones business (go read this), or why it's not okay to do X thing but, as I get older that list narrows.

What that looks like for me is there are a lot of things that used to set me off into towering infernos of upset, don't really get me even sparked up anymore. I figured out that my time is finite, my energy is finite and I need to save my fucks for things I care about more.

The other thing that came along with all those fucks I seem to have lost, is that I am into fashion again. Not just into it, into buying and wearing whatever the fuck makes me feel fancy when I have the funds.

It is beyond liberating to look at my stack of Spring skirts, and see that they are not "age appropriate" nor are they particularly trendy, they aren't business like (because I am very blessed to have a job where as long as I wear pants, nobody cares for the most part), they are just pretty to me.

For me this is what my 30s is doing.

I feel like I look how I want to look. I am wearing black and purple extensions (soon to be switched out for a black white/grey/lavender color scheme), I wear my make up in ways that are often not day appropriate.

I don't give a fuck.

Here in my 30s I've learned that I care more about shaping my own universe and sharing said universe with you my homies, than I do changing the ENTIRE world. It doesn't hurt me so much to realize that no, I cannot change the ENTIRE world nor can I be who I am and be pleasing to the masses.

And that is okay.

I have learned that while I don't care about fighting aging, I care about pleasure.

For me that pleasure means I'm using some really wonderful products on my face, I spend a lot of time rubbing vari-scented items into my skin. 

Being in my 30s and now heading for my late 30s I have rediscovered that many of the things that fundamentally made me happy as a child, still make me happy and if I want to engage in them, I will.

So my homie, here's the thing.

You don't have to freak out about being in your 30s because our culture has told you to.

I'm going to assume since you've survived and you're doing things that you can adult pretty well.

You don't have to do fuck all to please anybody.

BB, do you want to dye your hair colors? Is that good with your job? Do it. If it's not good with your job, buy yourself some fabulous wigs.

You wanna wear some Pirate Lolita? Wear that shit.

You want to spend the rest of your natural life dressing like an S&M Clown with a glitter fetish? Do the damn thing.

Here is what I feel is important to do and learn in your 30s:

  1. What gives you pleasure? Cookies? Wigs? Shoes? Make up? Playing with your gender presentation? Sit down with yourself and figure out ways (even tiny ones if you need to) to infuse that pleasure into your day to day life. This is doubly important if you are poor or having some other real life shit going on.
  2. Understand and implement self care in your life. Even tiny bits. Do your nails, put lotion on your feet, eat a danish. You know you can, now is the time to put those things into daily use because you are important, your comfort is important.
  3. Get weird. You don't have to stop playing with things when you are not a child. Wear silver moonboots, buy a tiara at the dollar store, become a pool shark, play pinball until you have thums of steel, whatever. Take up competitive walking, get some dance dvds out at the library and jam out with your ham out. The point is, you know who you are and you are awesome at being who you are. Level up and keep yourself entertained.
Even if you don't fully know who you are, that's fine too. Being a grown up doesn't necessarily mean you have it all figured out. You don't, I don't, nobody does and that's okay.

What else?

Other general advice I think is good for everyone regardless of age and that can make aging easier on the body.

  1. Take vitamins. For most of us a good multi is enough. I take a good amount of vitamins because it makes me feel good, I don't get sick as often and this is awesome.
  2. Drink water. Stay hydrated. It's good for your skin, hair, nails, kidneys EVERYTHING.
  3. Ration your fucks. Pretend like how much you care and how much energy you put into anything is money and you only have a finite amount. If that means don't read comments, skip em. If that means letting go of websites or blogs that hurt you, girl bye. And remember, you don't have to give a fuck. 
  4. Remember that you are human and you're going to fuck something up sometime and that's okay. It happens. Learn how to apologize when needed. 
  5. Remember that you are not done baking yet. Human beings have the capacity to continue learning and doing things for a long ass time. Take advantage.
  6. Don't take yourself so seriously. Sometimes you do silly undignified things and it is perfectly okay to laugh at yourself. Make fun of yourself. Remember that you are not the knower of all the things nor are you SO important that laughing at yourself would cause some sort of time space vortex of doom.
And most important, learn to be nice to yourself.

Sometimes especially on bad days or when things are just full of bullshit, you need to be nice to yourself. 

Now on to another thing for a minute before I turn things over to the best crowd sourced knowledge base in the intertubes.

We know my 36th birthday is coming up and after some folks asked me about wishlists and stuff here's what I"m doing.

If you want to help give me present, come use my gofundme to help me get a shiny new tattoo. That's all I really want out of my birthday this year.

I'll be dropping a link in the sidebar if you want to come back to it.

Now, my homies.

Do you have any other advice for our friend?

Are you out of your 30s? Are you scared about aging too? Come on y'all.

Let's give our homie some support even if it's just a "oh shit me too".

Homo Out.


Monday, February 04, 2013

Thinness and some other business.

Being that in the past couple of months I've had more than a couple of thin people come here to wild out about how much I don't speak to their experience, let me do that today.

As I have mentioned I have been thin, really fucking thin and underweight.

I'm going to talk about when according to the BMI (being that way too many people still think the BMI means anything) I was perfectly healthy.

This was prior to one of the early 2000s (or was it late 90's?) sudden change to the BMI that put "healthy" people into suddenly OH SHIT OBESE.

At that time I was also a vegan and a gym rat.

On paper I was insanely healthy. My diet was fantastic and I was doing those things we're told to do in order to be healthy.

In the actuality of my life, this was one of the periods in my life when I have been so sick I wanted to die.

I did not get my big fantastic thin idea life.

The first problem was diet and maintaining that diet essentially no matter what.

At that time in order to maintain my 22 BMI I had to eat very little and because my personal body does not tolerate an all veg diet very well I started having fallout and complications from my diet.

Among them:

  1. Borderline anemia due to heavy periods.
  2. Malnutrition.
  3. Hair loss.
  4. My not great immune system often failing.
  5. Constipation.
  6. Assorted injuries from my over exercising.
When I went to a doctor when my hair started falling out I was told that I was doing a good job, nay an excellent job in losing weight. 

When I tried to talk about how run down I was feeling, it was brushed off for what?

More congratulations.

Here's the thing thin folks.

My experience being thin really sucked.

I was heartbroken when the reality of that thin body I had started to settle in.

I had the same fit problems in those smaller clothes as I do now. Because I had previously been fat, all that mattered to my doctor was me losing weight. Damn my thinning hair and failing health.

I've said most of these things before but let me put it into this context.

There are reasons why I don't talk about a lot of experiences. 

They are not my experiences.

This is not a magazine, this is not a forum, this is not a social networking site. This is the personal blog of yours truly. I'm not a journalist, I'm not trying to be a journalist in this medium. I talk about the stuff I want to talk about. Including often my experiences walking around in this world.

This is not the venue to come stomping your feet about having a voice or being represented.

This is the kind of venue one visits to learn about the other. 

In this case the Other is your hostess who is not white, not thin, not heterosexual etc etc etc.

If you are any of those things, this is not a mirror. This is a different view.

Different View.

If you cannot understand that if you are any of those things, I will probably not be blogging based on your experiences, I am not the droids you are looking for.

If what you are looking for is the type of body acceptance that is blind to different experience, the type that does not make a distinction between institutional things, interpersonal things and personal things, that does not do the hard work, that is not steeped NO soaked in Intersectionality  the kind that will pat you on the back no matter what- I am not for you.

Here's the thing.

After all these years of blogging, I honestly get very tired of having to do Intersectionality 101 or explain yet again that this is a personal blog and not some kind of multi author thing.

It is exhausting to explain that this is my litterbox, I pay for it, I write what I want when I want.

And frankly, I may not be for you.

So before anyone else wants to talk to me about this, I'm going to stop you right here.

If you are looking for a voice that will always give you hugs rainbows and puppies. 

I'm not the droids you are looking for. 

If you want a voice for the thin folks in the world, it's not going to be me. If you want to feel cuddled and good about your Whiteness if you are White, that is also not gonna happen here.

There are a lot of blogs out there to read and it's perfectly okay if you don't read mine. If I am not your flavor, if this is not your jam, if I am too centered on things you don't care about, girl bye.

I have been blogging publicly on the internet long enough to have made peace with the fact that I am not internet famous, I'm not getting a book deal from this little blog and there are a lot of people who are not into me.

All of those things are okay.

Tomorrow, some advice on aging and we'll talk about my birthday.

Homo Out.


Friday, February 01, 2013

About it being Black History Month.

Annually I make a post about this.

So let's get to it so I can get it over with.

A few bullet points:

  1. I fucking hate Black History Month.
  2. It is the Most Racist Month Of the Year.
  3. White people whom I normally like, engage in a lot of fuckery because OMG WHAT ABOUT THE WHITE PEOPLE..
Because of these things and a myriad of others here are rules for this here bloggy blog for february.

  • Do not make me the Black Friend who you ask asshole questions of. Just don't. Don't ask me why Black people do X thing, do not call me sassy, do not ask me shit this month about Black people or about racism.Nothing. Not this month.
  • Do not send me links about stories involving Black people unless you see that my work has been plagiarized or my name is on it.
  • Do not tell me how much you love Black people.
  • Do not tell me how much you look forward to Black History Month.
  • Just don't.
Now white folks who want to do something ally like and useful for Black history month instead of quoting MLK at your friends, you can do this.

Give your friends this link where you can read a bunch of my posts about privilege. If you're a newer reader you can read those especially if you are just starting to figure out privilege issues.

You can also read here a long list of posts about racism.

Some suggestions about how to interact with other Black Folks during Black history month. 

  1. Do not ever ask any Black person EVER why there is no White History month. Just. Don't.
  2. Do not talk about the awesome things for Black people and include BET.
  3. Do not quote MLK, Malcom X or any other important Black figure at Black people like you fully understand how important they are. Also don't do that if you believe that MLK was only full of puppies and sunshine.
  4. Do not make any reluctance on the part of Black people to talk about racism or Black history with you White people, about you or your feelings or how you need to be educated. 
  5. Do not tell Black people how to respond to anything ever. This is tone policing, This makes you an asshole so don't.
  6. Do not expect hugs, cookies or pats on the back for not being a racist.
  7. Do not expect hugs, cookies or pats on the back for being vocally not a racist.

Also let me say this.

If you break my rules in my space I will not be nice to you.

I will embarrass you on the internet. I am not fucking around. This is a hard limit/boundary.

I am Not. Having. It. 

Some other suggested reading okay?

How Not to be a Dick to your Black friend. By Senam “SistaTV” Amegashie. I will encourage you to read some of the comments to get a good object lesson in how to be a racist bag of dicks.

Want to do something good? Be a good ally?

Support Black Art. Start with some of this stuff buy some awesome books by Black folks.

From the Amazon page:

The Black Futurists are a forward-thinking arts think tank where artists & theorists are invited to come together to build projects influenced by the realities of black science fiction and the science fiction of black reality. Our mission is to create new, liberating mythologies.
Do you like erotica or erotic horror? Go buy some books by my dear friend Anthony. 

Go out of your way to find some new Black artists, Black authors. Donate to Black media projects. Read some Black beauty blogs.

I fully endorse giving silent or monetary support to Black art and media that you have never seen before.

Write about those things and your experience with them.

Want to do more?

Don't let other White people do the things I've talked about above. Start not being afraid to look at your Mom, brother, cousin or bestie and say, Hey that is fucked up and racist and you need to stop and here's why.

Commit to working on your own behavior and the things you say. Learn how to not perpetrate microaggressions, unlearn the idea that Black people should or will be nice and educational when you have a question or have done something wrong.

Commit to shutting the fuck up when you fuck up. Say I'm sorry and shut your mouth.

Commit to learning about a wider view of Blackness that is beyond MLK loved everyone/Black people are cool. What I mean by that is question what you've been taught. Read more. Shit watch some documentaries.

So there we go.

I will end with this for the people who will undoubtedly send me upset messages that I have hurt their feelers with my Angry Black Woman thing.

Homo Out.


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