As I have mentioned I have been thin, really fucking thin and underweight.
I'm going to talk about when according to the BMI (being that way too many people still think the BMI means anything) I was perfectly healthy.
This was prior to one of the early 2000s (or was it late 90's?) sudden change to the BMI that put "healthy" people into suddenly OH SHIT OBESE.
At that time I was also a vegan and a gym rat.
On paper I was insanely healthy. My diet was fantastic and I was doing those things we're told to do in order to be healthy.
In the actuality of my life, this was one of the periods in my life when I have been so sick I wanted to die.
I did not get my big fantastic thin idea life.
The first problem was diet and maintaining that diet essentially no matter what.
At that time in order to maintain my 22 BMI I had to eat very little and because my personal body does not tolerate an all veg diet very well I started having fallout and complications from my diet.
- Borderline anemia due to heavy periods.
- Hair loss.
- My not great immune system often failing.
- Assorted injuries from my over exercising.
When I went to a doctor when my hair started falling out I was told that I was doing a good job, nay an excellent job in losing weight.
When I tried to talk about how run down I was feeling, it was brushed off for what?
Here's the thing thin folks.
My experience being thin really sucked.
I was heartbroken when the reality of that thin body I had started to settle in.
I had the same fit problems in those smaller clothes as I do now. Because I had previously been fat, all that mattered to my doctor was me losing weight. Damn my thinning hair and failing health.
I've said most of these things before but let me put it into this context.
There are reasons why I don't talk about a lot of experiences.
They are not my experiences.
This is not a magazine, this is not a forum, this is not a social networking site. This is the personal blog of yours truly. I'm not a journalist, I'm not trying to be a journalist in this medium. I talk about the stuff I want to talk about. Including often my experiences walking around in this world.
This is not the venue to come stomping your feet about having a voice or being represented.
This is the kind of venue one visits to learn about the other.
In this case the Other is your hostess who is not white, not thin, not heterosexual etc etc etc.
If you are any of those things, this is not a mirror. This is a different view.
If you cannot understand that if you are any of those things, I will probably not be blogging based on your experiences, I am not the droids you are looking for.
If what you are looking for is the type of body acceptance that is blind to different experience, the type that does not make a distinction between institutional things, interpersonal things and personal things, that does not do the hard work, that is not steeped NO soaked in Intersectionality the kind that will pat you on the back no matter what- I am not for you.
Here's the thing.
After all these years of blogging, I honestly get very tired of having to do Intersectionality 101 or explain yet again that this is a personal blog and not some kind of multi author thing.
It is exhausting to explain that this is my litterbox, I pay for it, I write what I want when I want.
And frankly, I may not be for you.
So before anyone else wants to talk to me about this, I'm going to stop you right here.
If you are looking for a voice that will always give you hugs rainbows and puppies.
I'm not the droids you are looking for.
If you want a voice for the thin folks in the world, it's not going to be me. If you want to feel cuddled and good about your Whiteness if you are White, that is also not gonna happen here.
There are a lot of blogs out there to read and it's perfectly okay if you don't read mine. If I am not your flavor, if this is not your jam, if I am too centered on things you don't care about, girl bye.
I have been blogging publicly on the internet long enough to have made peace with the fact that I am not internet famous, I'm not getting a book deal from this little blog and there are a lot of people who are not into me.
All of those things are okay.
Tomorrow, some advice on aging and we'll talk about my birthday.