Wednesday, March 20, 2013

So I turned 36

My 36th birthday has come and gone.

Friday, I spent in bed mainly because my body gave up.

For reasons beyond me, occasionally when my sleep has been too fucked up for one too many weeks my body decides that no, no I am not getting up, I am not going to work I am doing nothing but sleeping.

I loathe calling in to work but it was either do that or have a complete melt down at the drop of a hat. So I stayed home and slept.

On Saturday I lolled about in bed, while Uniballer made me fantastic food and made sure I was full, warm and happy. I also had my first ice cream cake cupcake it was delicious.

I rallied and napped. Uniballer played me movies and it was quiet and pretty nice.

Sunday was also nice, an exercise in pretending to be a cat and napping and eating and whatnot.

Yesterday, I had epic gastric distress. Brought on probably by a mix of spices or something. It was bad.

Ahem.

The one thing about aging I'm having trouble dealing with is that my body lets me know loud and clear when it is displeased and I can't power through it.

In my early 20s up through even five years ago, unless I was actively spewing or pooping I would go to work. I would get shit done.

What pains me about aging, is admitting my own frailty. It is being and showing that I am vulnerable.

Thankfully, I have a job where I can call in if I have to. But, every time I do there's that anxiety bred of years of working shitty jobs where being sick meant I might lose my job.

Even after all these years it amazes me how that panic can well up and overtake me, adding to whatever was wrong with me to begin with.

There is always that low lying idea that if I am really sick, everything will fall apart.

The fear comes from ER visits when I didn't have health insurance. I remember once leaving a hospital because the doctors wanted to give me a MRI and send me to a neurologist and I was already counting the tens of thousands of dollars I didn't have. So I left.

I remember I had a terrible ear infection at one point before I had decent insurance, I remember sitting on my bed crying my eyes out because I only had 15$ to my name and that wouldn't cover urgent care nor the price of antibiotics  Luckily someone I knew took me to urgent care and bought me antibiotics without really a word about it beyond a stern lecture about not making myself more ill.

These days, my health causes me different worry.

What if I hurt my back again and can't climb the 6 flights of stairs to my apartment? Or if I hurt it again and can't make the half mile walks to and from the bus?

Prior to switching back to contacts, there was the ever present worry of oh shit what if I break my glasses? I have really bad vision and cannot do anything really without correction, want to see me immediately completely lose my shit? Watch me break my glasses if I don't have back up contacts.

A lot of my anxiety when I get sick or hurt stems from a childhood full of guilt and expensive illnesses.

At 36 it's still really fucking hard to emotionally understand that it's okay.

One of the things that I am still working out is my frequent guilt about ALL THE THINGS.

I'm getting better but it's tough.

One of the big lessons of being now midway through my 30s is that, I have to tell myself when it's okay. It's okay to be sad about not having money for a new pair of shoes or a tattoo.

When I was younger, I would berate myself over things like buying shoes or coats or what have you. If I was in a financial pinch, I would go over all of the "useless" bullshit I'd purchased, even if it was maybe a two dollar lip balm etc.

As I get older I have to remind myself that shit happens. That sometimes, no matter how I plan or force myself to go without something, shit is still going to happen.

So my darlings, my big gibbet of knowledge about being 36 is this.

Sometimes shit is going to go wrong and bad and even if you bought the shoes or the lipstick it's okay.

Self care is really fucking hard.

Self care when you believe that you should be the beastiest beast of them all is still really fucking hard and really fucking important.

Right now, I'm doing what I can. I treat myself like a mother fucking queen. I am the best girlfriend to myself.

For me that looks like luxurious baths, rubbing myself with good smelling greasy stuff before bedtime, drinking a lot of tea, taking good care of my skin, drinking a lot of water, remembering to take my vitamins and eating whatever the fuck i want to.

Here's the thing my homies.

Whatever age you are, however that age is settling on your body you are fine.

I'm fine.

We're human, we're mortal and aging is what we do.

If we want to be super simple about it, mortality is the one thing all humans regardless of other differences have in common.

We're going to die and that's okay.

We are the rule makers as to how we make it to that day.

I vote let's not waste our time hating ourselves and trying so hard to be the one thing we all have to be, mortal.

Here is my advice.

Regardless of how you feel about aging or how old you are, try self caring like a mother fucker.

If that means changing up your beauty routine, investing in skin care, exercising, sleeping, eating, drinking more or less, doing things that bring you joy etc etc.

Do that instead of battling aging.

There are enough battles and our bodies don't have to be a battle ground against the inevitable.

I urge you if you're not already, try upping your self care for one whole month. Think about the things you need more of, sleep or whatever and try doing those things.

Like talking walks in the chilly mornings or evenings?

Try one a week. No matter if you're walking, wheeling, gettin there with crutches doesn't matter.

Can't go all the way around the block? Try walking from your door to the sidewalk. Or your door to that weird spot in the grass. Take your time. Look at all the things that are coming up young tender and green.

Laugh.

Smile at babies in the store, make faces at kids in passing cars, play with a puppy, roll around on the floor like a loon.

You too can have that feeling, that good feeling that happens when you know, you just treated yourself like the most romantic wonderful loving partner.

Okay that's all for right now. I am due for a snack and a big pot of tea.

Later this week we'll talk about fashion and some ideas for some small things I might like to fancy up and sell on the etsy.

Homo Out.
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2 comments:

Unknown said...

Love this!
I always find your words comforting, so thank you.

beatfreak said...

how do you engage in self-care when you don't really like the skin you are in.

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