Monday, April 08, 2013

Things that are going on.

I haven't been certain how to talk about this so I'm just going to let it out.

I suppose TW because I'm talking about weightloss today.

My own.

Since about last October I've lost bits of weight. I honestly did not notice until I tried to wear my favorite pair of black slacks from Old navy and they were so big that without a belt I walked two steps in my apartment and they fell directly off.

On many levels I am very in touch with my body. I can normally tell within a few hours when my period is going to start, I know when I'm getting sick vs being just tired, I know what changes in my skin mean.

I did not notice what was going on with my weight until I had no pants to wear in mid winter.

I will be honest, when I really looked and realized how much weight I'd lost I completely freaked out. I had one pair of tiny pants that fit, it was still winter and I couldn't find my one belt.

Holy shit.

I was totally unsure what was going to happen, I felt so weird about it. I still feel weird about it.

Now when I'm taking my clothes off when I get home or in the bath etc now i see where my body has changed.

I won't lie and say it's been all sunshine and YAY I have a smaller ass.

No I've been worried that I might accidentally lose too much weight. My self esteem about how my body looks wobbled hard and fell right goddamn down.

Here's the thing. Being much smaller than I am right this moment, is really a bad thing for me. My body looks funny and odd and disproportionate to me.

Right now I'm (as usual with me) smack between a large size 12 and a mid-size 14.

that's pretty okay with me.

I keep having to pump myself up about it while I am looking at skirts on ebay. I had to change all of my ebay search settings. I have to try to remind myself that the beautiful skirt that is a size 16 that I have wanted for a couple of months won't fit me now.

I have to relearn my body and that my homies, scares the shit out of me.

I have to spend a lot of energy to make sure I am eating enough because I don't want to lose more weight. I don't want my body to change anymore.

I spend a lot of energy managing my responses when people try to talk to me about my weightloss. I don't really want to yell at well meaning people because it makes me feel like a jerk.

I worry sometimes that I am going to not notice and suddenly find myself pantsless again.

Shit.

I don't even have the vocabulary to express to you guys the depths and ways I have anxiety about this.

And for me, anxiety at the best of times really fucks with my appetite and trying to take care of myself.

fuck.

So where am I at right now?

I am back in that weird place size wise. I have been waiting and excited about doing some summer shopping in awesome plus size shops. A lot of the things I want to save for I am just a bit too small for. The same styles in average sizes I am a bit too big for.
I am remembering being this same size years ago. Some Jrs. larger sizes work well on me because I'm short and I like my skirts mid-thigh to knee or maxi length. I remember that in pants at this size it's easier still to wear elastic waists.

I'm still a fat person. I am a small fat person. Smaller anyway.

For my regular readers. Understand that the current state of my body, privilege be damned I have not forgotten being fatter.

I realize that my current set of problems is not the same as the problems I had when i was fatter and are not the same as those who are lots larger than I am.

My perspective about fatness and body things has not changed at all. If anything, a lot of the things I've talked about are reinforced now that I am acceptably fat. I dislike a lot of the commentary about bodies my size as much as I disliked it when I was bigger or when other people are bigger.

It's fucking stupid.

I am still entirely convinced that anyone who only gauges my health by the size of my ass is a lying ass liar.

I am still entirely convinced that medical professionals by and large, have no interest in my actual health as long as I look okay.

I am not okay with body policing.

I am not okay with the idea that body size whether it's a thin body or a really fucking fat body is indicative of moral failings or wins.

I could have not shared these things.

I thought about not talking about it here so I wouldn't alienate people.

But the fact is, as I've said lots of times over the years I've been blogging in this here slice of the internet, I will talk about whatever I want to. The fact is, this is a part of my life and my perspective so I will talk about it when I need to.

I don't like to in particular, I am vaguely embarrassed by how much my body changed right in front of my eyes. I forgive myself, stress does things to me.

Angst aside I feel like I am resettling in my body the way it is.

Yes, I have mourned the size 16 ass I had because frankly, for a minute I was filling out my size 16 pants in the ass parts and was pretty excited.

I am getting used to things and my ass. It's taking some work on my part, way more than one might think. Again I am reminded that smaller/thinner is not always good and desired.

Sometimes it's just traumatic and anxiety creating.

So that's the state of my ass and emotions about my ass.

Not great but adjusting.

And I am trying my damndest to self care through this and not be an asshole to myself surrounding my feelings about how my body is changing. It's hard y'all but, I am doing it.

Homo out.


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1 comment:

Opal Zushaquon said...

You absolutely have the right to talk about it, and everything you said is true. I hate people bringing up weight loss as a compliment. A person's weight is their own business.
For my own part, when my kidney issues started to resolve a bit, I lost about 35 pounds, which put me at 395. I've been over 400 for years now. That weight loss freaked me out because of the fact that I started thinking in that way "Oh, if only I could get down below x number on the scale, everything will be all magical and hunky dory and I'll no longer be a pariah."
It's sad, isn't it? More so than celebrating that my kidneys are functioning better, I was happy to be however much closer to being a socially acceptable size.
Now that I see it written, I realize just how sad.
Thanks for writing your take on things. Yours is a bold and refreshing voice.

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