Monday, April 22, 2013

When the going gets tough.

I am just coming out of one of the worst cycles of insomnia that I've had for years.

The thing has lasted/had an iron hold on me since just before the time change and is only now easing up some.

That being what it is, self care has been hard y'all.

I'm going to be really honest.

At some point during the last month or so I stopped giving a shit. Doing things like bathing, wearing clean clothes, taking care of my skin, taking my vitamins etc became entirely unimportant.

I was (am) depressed. But not the kind that can be dealt with and pinpointed  I am fairly certain that my depression is cyclical with my bad bouts of insomnia.

I just stopped giving all fucks.

So lately this means that self care has been so hard.

Given how many fucks I did not give, and continue to not give I've had to put my foot down with myself.

the first thing to stop being cute has been my skin.. My skin is broken out, looks shitty and of course as I've mentioned before the fastest way to torpedo my own self esteem is my skin going to crap.

I was not doing it y'all. I really wasn't and couldn't really bring myself to.

So I did a few things.

Spurred by getting a new influenster box I bought some new things for my skin. I am making sure that I am hydrating by having a giant cup full of water and a straw and just sipping away until I hve to pee. This has been difficult.

Almost every night while I am doing my skin care rituals, in the back of my head I'm hearing myself talk shit about it. About how it doesn't matter, about how I've wasted time and money, about how gross my face is.

And then I look at myself in the mirror and say, wash your stupid fucking face right.

I have been anxious (as heightened by my insomnia yay) and eating is hard. I don't want to lose more weight or get sick so I have been fighting my give no fucks instincts and feeding myself and keeping myself somewhat okay.

I eat stuff and put peanut butter on it. I take small doses of tylenol when I need it because I am in more pain when my sleep is bullshit than when it's not.

I make myself take my vitamins.I 'm actually just back on my vitamins. I'd not taken them in a few weeks.

Here's the thing.

It's not really about me feeling nice or sparkly right now it's about survival.

No on one hand I don't give a shit how my face looks.

But I know rationally that when my face is awful, my self esteem is awful.

I take care of one thing to mitigate the other.

I cannot afford to get sick right now so I make myself take my vitamins, eat and drink water.

I do not have the financial means to let myself get sick enough to be missing a lot of work. I have no fall back. This is it.

So the days when I'm so tired I can't control my emotions or I'm so anxious I feel like I'm going to become a jittering vomit/poop fountain, this is about the conversation I have with myself.

Self,
OKay look. You are being an asshole. You don't want to eat, you don't want anything right now. I know you don't give a shit but we have shit to do. Remember that rent thing?  Yes so do what you gotta do and take care of shit.

Imagine this in a very stern commanding tone of voice.

My inner voice is often a barking drill sergeant rather than a sweet voice impelling me towards niceness.

My checklist of things to do daily is shouted in my head:


  • TAKE YOUR FUCKING VITAMINS!
  • DRINK SOME FUCKING WATER!
  • GO POOP!
  • EAT SOME REAL FOOD. 
  • EAT SOME PEANUT BUTTER!
  • DON'T GET FUCKING FIRED BECAUSE YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOUR FUCKING EMOTIONS!
  • WASH YOUR STUPID FACE!
  • WASH YOUR STUPID ASS!
It's all very noisy in here. I let that bossy loud voice be the voice of reason right now because my reason is broken.

I have spent some money on little sparkly things that make me smile for a minute. Yes, right now those few moments of OH SHINY are worth the expense.

I understand that right now because of the insomnia and the ensuing being off balance, I need to be careful with myself. I understand that in order for me to keep functioning as well as I can, I need to care for this stupid fucking body of mine.

I am really annoyed with my body. A lot of things hurt that aren't supposed to be hurting. Allergy season is in full swing and I itch from head to doe, my face is doing shit I don't want it to do. I want to maintain my stupid weight, I want to have my walks but not be walking so much that more bad things happen.

I have to keep telling myself that I can survive.

Only sleeping for 3-4 hours a night?

Fuck you brain, fuck you I will make it.

Feeling like the ugliest grosses human on the planet?

Fine. I can roll through it. I will, in spite of the sure emotional knowledge that I am the grossest human to ever walk the planet, I will take care of my fucking grossness.

Every day I do some little thing, even if (as it has been lately) I am doing my complicated skin care ritual. That's all. 


I am not hopeful it will pass on the basis of anything other than i know I can survive.

I am trying not to make any big decisions like hair cuts or colors.

I'm trying not to fall completely under my own spell of giving no fucks about myself.

I'm not giving myself too much shit about my bad habits. I'm smoking too much, eating too much candy, looking at too many silly things on ebay. I am not getting involved with/following any of the awful tragic things that have happened recently.

I am wrapping myself in soft batting as much as I can right now because I can't handle all the awful things. I don't read the news, I tumblr saviored a lot of stuff.

I will preserve what peace I have.

I will let myself be as crazy as I need to be when I get home or to myself. Why? Not because I think it is necessarily a good coping mechanism but it's the one I have.

My big point here is that when things are bad for you for whatever reasons, it's okay to just do what self care you can do.

If that means going to someone's house and laying in their bed eating cake, then maybe it's time to do that for a while.

If that means a news embargo, do it.

Need to be a cranky miserable fucker right now? Be a cranky miserable fucker.

The point is not to make yourself look good to the universe or world at large.

You preserve yourself.

We need to make it through the bad times too.

If you're having a bad time, I may not understand your exact circumstances but I understand.

So that's what's happening right now. I am doing what I can to get through, matter of fact I'm going to eat a packet of peanut butter right now and make tea.

I'm going to try not to scratch myself raw because my allergies are kicking. I'm going to continue being a reclusive cranky old fucker because I cannot handle 90% of the world right now. I just, I can't. So I won't.

I think that's all for right now homies.

Homo Out.
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1 comment:

living400lbs said...

Been there.

Yay you taking care of yourself.

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