Monday, May 27, 2013

It's a trap!

If the many emails I get about this are to be believed, there are a plethora of miracle herbs, pills and drugs to make me perfect.

If by perfect we mean the following:


  1. Lighter skinned and closer to looking White.
  2. Thin, tight and boy shaped with a round perky ass, smaller perky tits and a flat belly.
  3. Increase my IQ AND make me thinner.
  4. Make straight men love me forever because I am thinner.
  5. Cure the diabetes I don't have.
  6. etc etc.
Beyond spam blasts some of these things are sent to me via facebook or other social media with claims that range from ridiculous to patently stupid.

Once upon a time I fought the spam and the ads. I clicked unlike, I unsubscribed etc etc. These days I take a different approach.

Not too long ago a self identified master nutritionist/weight loss guru emailed me offering me a very exciting opportunity to get in on the ground floor of marketing their nutrition and supplement based make everything better pill.

The claims from this person were pretty wild. She promised that my skin would improve, I would not have cellulite, that I would lose weight without "diet or exercise", that I would be smarter, more alert, look younger and basically be the most awesome person ever.

Instead of telling her to fuck off I decided to engage a little bit and get some more information.

Firstly I learned that she claimed to be a big fan of my blog here and my writing in general. Lie#1. If she had in fact been a long standing fan of this here little blog, she'd have known from jump that I have zero interest in buying or shilling bullshit diet products.

Second. I asked her for detailed information about how her pills change metabolic processes on such a wide scale. The first explanation was essentially fluff and bullshit. The second time I asked she claimed that her "ancient and secret" recipe would increase my metabolism, liquify (her word not mine) excess fat, smooth out cellulite and would just make me the best most hottest woman ever. She promised that I would feel twenty again to which I said okay no. I responded to this saying that from what she claimed her formula sounded like speed with a multivitamin chaser. 

Third was the grift. For the low low price of 150$ not only would I get a 30 day supply of her miracle drug but I would also be in for a whopping 5% discount on resales. When I asked if she oversaw manufacturing she said no, she couldn't tell me where these pills came from nor give me an accurate ingredient list. I looked over her promotional material and on every photo and story there was that teeny tiny text that said *results atypical.

Now I have done go rounds with miracle pills. Fat burners, metabolism boosters, cellulite creams/gels etc etc. The most I've ever gotten out of them is that speedy speedy feeling I prefer in my drugs. A few gave me the fiery shits, a few just did nothing.

What we can learn from what I did is this.

We know we are being lied to. We can tell these uber marketers that no, no we don't actually believe their junk science, twenty year old "studies", photos, testimonials that curiously all read the same way, nor do we believe that our results will be the *atypical results.

The thing is that for every one of these ads we see or get in our inboxes, we can know a few things.

  1. It is probably a ponzi scheme.
  2. The "miracle" results are indeed rare and unsupported by anything.
  3. They are banking on prescriptive beliefs of self hatred and profiting from your misery.
  4. They are supporting not your health or the size of your ass but their wallets.
  5. Don't take candy from strangers.
The last one is very apt. 

Think about it this way.

If some random person walked up to you and told you that (based on a quick visual assessment) you are going to die of every disease known to man if you don't take their pill right now what would you do?

I'm guessing most of us would probably at least say no thank you and at most tell this person to jam their pill up their ass.

If in fact we cannot tell by looking at a person in the face what health problems they may or may not actually have, how can we tell by email addresses?

Most of the time we know I'm not the biggest proponent of monetary based activism because too often it's just not possible for most of us.

But in this case put your wallet away.

Not only do not give these people your money, if they continue emailing them report them to spam alert websites. Complain at the Better Business Bureau,

On facebook dislike/hide those ads.

If you have the ability to hide those ads on websites you frequent do so. 

Basically I am all for costing these people money and if you get spam/email/messages from people who won't leave you alone, put them on blast for harassment.

Keep your money.

Instead of spending hundreds of dollars (or thousands) on bullshit pills, buy yourself some exercise equipment if you want. Go out to a fancy dinner, buy some fancy underpants, take a friend to the theatre.

Essentially my darlings, save your money for things that are better for you.

Do something fancy that makes you happy. Save up those dollars you might otherwise give to diet/fitness gurus (by buying their supplements/dvds/magazines) and buy something that makes you really feel good about yourself.

Don't pay people who profit from your self esteem being battered at, body policing, the promotion of self hatred and bullshit. This is one instance where I absolutely no holds barred recommend you make a statement with your money.

Don't pay your hard earned money to support an industry built on deception.

This is one case where if I can not, you can not do it.

Okay my darlings that's all for now.

Homo Out.

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1 comment:

Lee said...

I think this all goes for the fat burners and miracle products on the shelves of retail stores as well. Look into any of them online and they're all just vitamins or speedy things--and they're not guaranteed to be any safer. People have died taking Xenadrine, and that's on the shelves of Walmart, Walgreens, Kmart, etc.

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