Tuesday, June 04, 2013

When you and your body aren't getting along.

Right this minute I am kind of (read really) pissed off at my body.

My body is doing shit I don't want it to do and I'm angry.

I'm still not sleeping well. My ears are draining and causing my throat to be sore. Things hurt that are not supposed to be hurting.

I am really not happy.

I want to go for a long walk because the nights are warm and nice. I do it and my knees swell up.

I want to dance and my muscles lock up and stiffen.

Again I'm reminded that the weight loss as a cure all for aching joints and other bodily problems is a lie.

I'm frustrated.

I'm having trouble conceptualizing what size of clothing to buy. A lot of the clothes I saved for and bought during the fall to wear this summer don't fit right.

It is not awesome.

I am also living an object lesson.

Right now I can't be mean to myself.

Even though I'm entirely done with how my body is behaving and reacting to everything right now, I am trying really hard to self care.

I make sure I'm taking my vitamins and drinking water.

I am in the fuckin' trenches right now y'all.

My natural instinct at this point tells me that it doesn't matter. Fuck what my body has to say about it and I will do ALL the shit I want. I will walk that mile and a half fuck the consequences. Fuck taking my vitamins. Fuck drinking water I can survive on energy drinks and candy.

Being that my natural instinct leads me to fuck it all I am actively making myself slow down and just not.

I look at myself and say can you just not?

Come on bro *yes I call myself bro* just don't. You know this will not end well. Walk but not that far. Take your vitamins. Fix your eyebrows. Put some lotion on your ashy fucking feet.

I am having this talk with myself every damn day.

The lesson here is that yes, even I who am the Self Caring Like a Mother Fucker Matriarch, has trouble with it.

Sometimes I can't do anything beyond having a snack.

Other days I'm really doing it. I pack a good lunch, I feel cute, I have on my new shoes that don't hurt my feet. I walk but not so far that I'm limping by the time I get home. I take an awesome bath, I have a dinner.

But it's not as consistent as you might think.

As I've told you my friends. Sometimes this shit is really fucking hard.

I'm not immune to tripping up or falling down.

When you think you're failing, you're probably fine. IF not fine, you're not an awful person if you can't do it every day.

The good news is that while it is very stressful to think you are failing at yet another thing, understand that this thing is very easily fixable.

When you feel like you're failing at self care go get a drink of water. Stretch some part of your body until it feels really good. Put lotion on your feet. Put on some chapstick and bang bam boom you're doing it,.

Take a deep breath.

Remember that you and I are human.

We are fragile, breakable, mercurial, we smell bad sometimes and sometimes we can be absolute dickbags to ourselves.

And it's okay.

No really. Regardless of what the voice in your head says or what your Mom said or what anyone else said.

The wonderful and awful thing about you and me and everyone else is that we're human and we do a lot of shit that isn't awesome.

Sometimes that means we have to apologize to others and often we have to apologize to ourselves.

So here is me apologizing to myself.

Hello Self,
Bro I'm sorry I've been such an asshole. I know there are things going on that you can't help or do anything about and I shouldn't be such a bitch about it. I'm trying to stop that. So let's make up. Tonight some eyebrow beautification and shit.
Love Me

What else am I doing to support my self care needs this week?

I am wearing cute clothes. I don't give a fuck. For instance today I'm wearing a two shades of purple satiny skirt that was the bottom half of some kind of fugly formal thing I thrifted.

I am using my lip scrub to get rid of some dead skin and discoloration in the corners of my mouth.

I'm drinking hot things to sooth my throat.

I'm eating food. Granted I haven't been eating super good food but it is food so that is good.

NOw that's all for right now.

Beatfreak how are you doing sugar?

Also the rest of you how is your self care happening or not happening? Do you need some ideas?

HOmo Out.



Rebecca Caterina said...

Taking my pain meds when I need them even though I'm afraid of addiction. Not taking them continuously, even though it'd make my life so much easier for a day or two.

mccn said...

I am so impressed with your ability to overcome your own inclinations to say fuck this and do self-care anyway. It's been really important to me to hear your thoughts on this because I also often feel like saying, fuck it, I'm not doing self-care if my body won't do what I want it to, or if things are hard in my life. I know a lot of people have that habit, but I almost never hear about it, you know? Thanks for talking to us about it - and for finding the strength to care for yourself no matter what. Because,IIRC, as a very wise lady once told me to tell myself, Shannon says you are the fucking BOMB and you are worthy of care and love! <3

alumiere said...

I often feel like all I do is self-care. Make sure I've taken my meds, eaten the right things, gotten enough sleep, don't push myself too hard. I want to be bad, have fun doing something impractical, not have to decide between showering or eating healthy today. Chronic broken sucks. But I do my best to make sure the important stuff is done everyday, and try to find a place for frivolity when my body isn't misbehaving too much. Thank fuck my partner is happy to help all the time, and starts working from home 4 of 5 days soon.

beatfreak said...

To be honest, my self care hasn't been so good. I had to take myself to the hospital to make sure that i wasn't having a heart attack (i wasn't.) I've been so stressed out and depressed that things have just fallen a bit around me.

That said, there are a few things that i'm doing that are helping. None is limiting my time on sites like Tumblr. I've come to find that social media feels like work to me and i'm don't like the person that i become when i spend too much time looking at them.

Second, I'm listening to music I like (Alice in Chains!) a lot.

Third and most important I am keeping up with the whole just being with being gentle with myself as much as I can.

This self care stuff is hard when you just feel like throwing in the towel. Then I remember that the awesome Shannon says that I deserve care and do one little thing for myself. Sometimes that's all I can do.

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