Right this minute I am kind of (read really) pissed off at my body.
My body is doing shit I don't want it to do and I'm angry.
I'm still not sleeping well. My ears are draining and causing my throat to be sore. Things hurt that are not supposed to be hurting.
I am really not happy.
I want to go for a long walk because the nights are warm and nice. I do it and my knees swell up.
I want to dance and my muscles lock up and stiffen.
Again I'm reminded that the weight loss as a cure all for aching joints and other bodily problems is a lie.
I'm having trouble conceptualizing what size of clothing to buy. A lot of the clothes I saved for and bought during the fall to wear this summer don't fit right.
It is not awesome.
I am also living an object lesson.
Right now I can't be mean to myself.
Even though I'm entirely done with how my body is behaving and reacting to everything right now, I am trying really hard to self care.
I make sure I'm taking my vitamins and drinking water.
I am in the fuckin' trenches right now y'all.
My natural instinct at this point tells me that it doesn't matter. Fuck what my body has to say about it and I will do ALL the shit I want. I will walk that mile and a half fuck the consequences. Fuck taking my vitamins. Fuck drinking water I can survive on energy drinks and candy.
Being that my natural instinct leads me to fuck it all I am actively making myself slow down and just not.
I look at myself and say can you just not?
Come on bro *yes I call myself bro* just don't. You know this will not end well. Walk but not that far. Take your vitamins. Fix your eyebrows. Put some lotion on your ashy fucking feet.
I am having this talk with myself every damn day.
The lesson here is that yes, even I who am the Self Caring Like a Mother Fucker Matriarch, has trouble with it.
Sometimes I can't do anything beyond having a snack.
Other days I'm really doing it. I pack a good lunch, I feel cute, I have on my new shoes that don't hurt my feet. I walk but not so far that I'm limping by the time I get home. I take an awesome bath, I have a dinner.
But it's not as consistent as you might think.
As I've told you my friends. Sometimes this shit is really fucking hard.
I'm not immune to tripping up or falling down.
When you think you're failing, you're probably fine. IF not fine, you're not an awful person if you can't do it every day.
The good news is that while it is very stressful to think you are failing at yet another thing, understand that this thing is very easily fixable.
When you feel like you're failing at self care go get a drink of water. Stretch some part of your body until it feels really good. Put lotion on your feet. Put on some chapstick and bang bam boom you're doing it,.
Take a deep breath.
Remember that you and I are human.
We are fragile, breakable, mercurial, we smell bad sometimes and sometimes we can be absolute dickbags to ourselves.
And it's okay.
No really. Regardless of what the voice in your head says or what your Mom said or what anyone else said.
The wonderful and awful thing about you and me and everyone else is that we're human and we do a lot of shit that isn't awesome.
Sometimes that means we have to apologize to others and often we have to apologize to ourselves.
So here is me apologizing to myself.
Bro I'm sorry I've been such an asshole. I know there are things going on that you can't help or do anything about and I shouldn't be such a bitch about it. I'm trying to stop that. So let's make up. Tonight some eyebrow beautification and shit.
What else am I doing to support my self care needs this week?
I am wearing cute clothes. I don't give a fuck. For instance today I'm wearing a two shades of purple satiny skirt that was the bottom half of some kind of fugly formal thing I thrifted.
I am using my lip scrub to get rid of some dead skin and discoloration in the corners of my mouth.
I'm drinking hot things to sooth my throat.
I'm eating food. Granted I haven't been eating super good food but it is food so that is good.
NOw that's all for right now.
Beatfreak how are you doing sugar?
Also the rest of you how is your self care happening or not happening? Do you need some ideas?