However, we have something more important to talk about.
We have a female pronoun using Anon Homie who needs some advice.
I will dub her, Flummoxed.
So Flummoxed asked me how to deal with this sort of thing because she is new to talking to other people about her body and other bodies.
We have all heard it, fat or not.
"You're just a fat bitch."
"Whatever you're ugly/fat/stupid"
Those supposed rebuttals to anything someone who is not "hot enough" to be believed. Those are the statements that are supposed to hurt us so bad we shut up.
You are supposed to be so hurt that the person speaking doesn't want to fuck you that it negates any validity whatever you're saying might have had.
This behavior often from men or people wanting to flex hard on the internet comes from a couple of places:
- You are making sense and are being factual.
- You have expressed a view that jars their world view.
- You are not cowed by your supposed inferior position.
- You have not expressed upset at not caring whether or not they want to fuck you.
- You said anything.
Here's the thing Flummoxed, most people who do this have nothing to say.
Let that soak in for a minute. They might yammer for a quarter page comment telling you ALL the terrible things they think of you, wish you death at the end but there is normally no substance to what they say.
If you read closely or listen closely, most of the people who make these comments actually don't make them in any context save for seeing that you said or are fat.
They aren't concerned with the substance of what you've said.
A good example is some of the commentary I got both publicly and privately after I did my interview at The Root.
Not one person who engaged with me individually (I stopped reading comments on the article itself) actually had anything to say about me talking about my bodily autonomy. There was a cavalcade of things that revolved around my appearance, how much I was and am not sexy, references to me being the downfall of insurance, using up all the insurance etc etc with some super special ad hominem attacks in my email that resulted in expensive offers to be "personally motivated to change".
Being that I have been trolled, insulted etc etc for so long both on the intertubes and in meatspace here's the thing.
I've learned to understand that the people who say that to me, have nothing to offer in reality.
Beyond that, if someone steadfastly refuses to actually engage with the meat of what I've said or written, why should I bother debating with them?
The other thing I've learned is that someone who can't or won't give me enough respect to actually listen to (or read) what I am saying, chances are there's nothing I can say or do to change that. And that's okay.
It really is.
The other thing I've learned is that those people are worth nothing to me.
I give not one hot fuck what they have to say.
Every now and then I will explain to someone precisely why I feel this way about them but 80% of the time I don't waste my fucks or my energy.
No time for that bullshit.
And it is 99% of the time pure shitty behavior.
It's not to make a point about obesity, it's not to demonstrate how much they care for your health, they don't care about health care accessibility, they don't care about not being an asshole or a bully, they don't care.
If you want to test my theory, the next time someone starts in on how you are the face or voice of obesity or they are ragging on what they presume you eat. Ask them questions.
Don't be mean or shitty just ask some questions. My favorites include things like:
- So if I should lose weight, and to do that I should as you say put down the fork. Presuming I survive starvation at what point is it okay for me to eat?
- So if I also don't find you attractive, can we get back to the topic at hand?
- Okay so if I shouldn't eat this, would you buy me what I'm supposed to eat?
You see where I'm going.
Normally when I do this several things happen. The other person often gets irate and starts screaming at me about what a fat ugly stupid bitch I am.
If that doesn't make me cry or flounce away with hurt feelings often they will walk away feeling all puffed up about how They Told the Fatty.
In reality they did not tell anyone anything.
The fact is when people try really hard to derail whatever you're saying by whatever means necessary, you are probably on the right track.
So my darling Flummoxed here is my real advice.
- Don't waste your time on assholes or bullies. You don't have to. They are not really worth your time, energy or fucks.
- Yes even if they are your friends or relatives. If they behave this way they are not showing you they really give a tin shit about your actual health or what you have to say.
- Do not let people who can't behave ruin what you are doing. When this thing starts happening shut it down.
Let's pause here. How do we shut it down. Here's what I favor depeing on the situation.
- Dead blank stare.
- Say very firmly, yes I am a fat bitch and?
- Great let's not fuck themn. Hw about we get back to what I was actually saying?
Or my penultimate one, ignore them.
If they can't act like they have no sense, they don't relly exist in my world behond giving them the dead stare, or deleting their comment from my wee blog here.
Remember Flummoxed no one can control how and when and where you deal with bullshit. You are driving the bus. If you don't want to deal with someone you are totally free to tell them or not, no I am not dealing with your shit.
Flummoxed baby basically fuck em. Until you can learn to stand up for yourself when you want to, do not engage. Your mental health comes first. Beyond that, if you want to learn the stuff I talked about here get it. If not, you don't have to.
Now I tuturn things over to you my homies. homies. Do you have more advice Commiseratin? Solidarity? Bring it my homies.