Wednesday, October 09, 2013

A Thing Happened.

So I'm just getting over a cold and over the weekend I spent some time reading links and whatnot about fatness and body image etc as shared by people I know on facebook.

Here's what happened.

I read an article that a lot of other fat folks I know through this here lil blog posted.

It was frankly real goddamn close to this entry here.  Also strikingly similar to other posts I've made.

THen I realized that the person who wrote it does read here or at least has told me so. The people who shared the link and some other similar ones and were cosigning and agreeing etc. The sharers were calling the fatties to arms to share the message everywhere.

Ahem.

These are people who have told me time and again how much they love my work but as I mentioned recently I'm Not a Nice White Lady so my work doesn't get as much respect.

That's what it comes down to.

Y'all, I had a really hard time. I cried.

I am not much of a crying person but I did.

The problem isn't me being unfamous. That's fine I don't give a shit.

The problem is that every single time I see these articles especially the ones where I suspect people got paid, and they say things that are so so so SO close to things I've already written and I know the authors I feel disrespected.

I feel the weight of being a marginalized voice.

I feel the pain of knowing how much work I have put into this space, how much hurt and upset and blood and sweat and MYSELF I have put into my work here, and I think of you little group of ride or die folks who have supported me and told me I've helped you etc and it just fucking hurts.

It hurts so much more when it's very clear that part of the reason I don't get the same treatment is because I'm not a Nice White Lady.

It hurts so much more when it is coming from people/areas where I would think SOMEBODY involved would be decent enough to say, we should mention Shannon or run this by her etc because she just fucking wrote about this.

I don't want to give up on writing here necessarily but I am becoming more and more mindful of seeing myself if not outright plagiarized than a close cousin.

I know that this is part of writing on the internets I know that. It is still fucked up.

I'm not saying I need everyone in the world to come to my aid or defense or whatever. I don't need to be internet famous. I don't know.

I guess I just don't want to bleed and be the inspiration to Nice White Ladies who don't give enough of a fuck about not being part of the silencing of WOC to at least give props where props are due.

I don't want my best friend to be hurting when she sees these things happen. I don't want to have to talk both of us down from righteous rage.

I don't want to bust people out on the internet.

I don't know.

I want people not to be such fucking douchebags.

I know that probably won't happen.

I am resolving not to cry over this again. I'm not giving my pain to the issue. I will keep doing what the fuck I do because it is that important to me.

You my homies and haters are that important to me.

Because I know you ride or die readers have been through it with me and I feel your loves and appreciations.

Also let me be real right now.

This is the raw real truth.

White women I see you. Don't think because I don't confront you or link to it or comment that I don't fucking now when someone has stolen from me. I know. I see. I remember.

I see you. I know what you're doing and I hope it feels terrible.

Now my darlings that's all. I'm still pretty wiped out from the cold but I wanted to tell you what's going on.

I'm working on figuring out what to do with my feeings. How I want to proceed. And how to care for myself enough that I don't get to the place I was in on Sunday.

Now I turn it over to you. I have a question for yall.

I am thinking about writing a new Self Care guide. One specifically for marginalized people who identify in any way (or want to) as Femes.

Thoughts? Questions? Anything Femme related that you'd be extra into seeing?

Homo Out.
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1 comment:

witchyvixen said...

Shannon, I know it doesn't help or change anything but I'm so sorry this happens to you. I started to say, "happened to you", but I know it's gone on before and probably will again. And that just plain fucking SUCKS.

"I want people not to be such fucking douchebags" - I know, why is this so hard? Why can we not all just be decent to each other? And why is it always people like you, who help others and are actually trying to be good people, who get hit with the shit?

Again, I'm sorry. I hate that you're hurt.

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