Sunday, December 29, 2013

Let's call it done. Bye 2013 and my last bit of advice for the year.

Given the huge number of failures and epic shit shows this year I'm going to give all of y'all my best ever advice for free.

Are you ready?

Here we go.

If you fuck up and I mean royally Ani DiFranco thinking a former plantation is a great place to hold a creative gathering level fuck up, or if you hurt someone's feelings, or if you say something supremely stupid because you really don't know better, or if you step on someone's food or their life here is what you do.

Ahem...ready?

You look at the person/internet/situation and do like this here:

I am so sorry I hurt you.

And then you wait.

What you don't do is justify why you hurt someone, don't tell them that you think you were right but, don't say anything but I am so sorry.

You don't say you were drunk, or one time a Black person was mean to you so you acted out, you don't blame the person you trespassed against for "interpreting" you wrong.

You say you are fucking sorry.

You don't talk shit.

You don't whine about how "bullied" you feel because people hold you responsible for the words coming out of your mouth, virtually or in meat space.

You don't get to play the victim because you weren't trying to be sizest, or sexist, or racist or just an asshole in general.

You don't pen screeds against the concept of being "PC" because when you say that, to those of us who live in the margins you are saying it is too hard for yu to think about us seriously and it's just too hard not to be a douchebag.

It is no revelation of practicing free speech, it is not edgy, it is not a radical position.

If you decide it is too PC to speak respectfully to people who are not you, you are not special you are just like eery other asshole on the planet.

Doubly so if you are speaking from a position of deep privilege and your issue with being PC is that you got caught being an asshole.

All you have to do when shit hits the fan is this.


  1. Shut the fuck up.
  2. Say I am sorry.
  3. Shut the fuck up.
  4. Learn some shit.
  5. Shut the fuck up.
That's all you have to do.

No I'm serious. You don't need to respond to every criticism, you don't need to justify your original shit action or reaction, you just need to be quiet nd listen for a bit and say you are sorry.

Want to level up?

Instead of riding in the victim seat when you get caught, stand up and say hey I fucked up by participating in racism/sizeism/sexism/ableism/etc. You say that you are working on it, you are listening and then you shut the entire fuck up.

It will be really hard. You might cry. It might really hurt your feelings, you might have an anxiety attack, you might have people tweet or facebook really mean things about you.

This is the point to put your helmet on and take your victim pants off.

This is like when you have to take the consequences of causing a car accident, or if you break something where the policy is you break it you bought it.

Want to be a boss level Ally?

When you fuck up, apologize, shut up and listen.

Do not take your hurt feelings, tears and claims that being criticized is buyllying to the people you've offended or hurt. Just don't.

Here look at this via the calming Manatee. 


Now listen.

If you can internet, you can learn this.

If you can say you're sorry for bumping int someone on the street, you can say I'm sorry I hurt you when you hurt someone.

You know me, I won't lie to you. 

This is next level shit. It is beyond hard. It is embarrassing, scary and sometimes hazardous to our mental health but it is imperative that if we are going to really do the dirty work of starting to change the isms, we also have to learn to say we're sorry.

That is my gift to you. 

You can do it. I have faith in you and I have faith in me.

Now that we're done with that let me say thank you to the Christmas gift sending elves. I find the holidays infuriating and stressful and you made it better.

I love you my homies.

I really do. Those of you who have stuck with me through bullshit and frustration and tears and the hard stuff thank you.

Thank you new homies. Thanks for visiting.

Thank you even haters.

Sometimes you haters just make me giggle and I am thankful for that.

Here is to an awesome 2014. If you celebrate, do so safely my darlings. Remember to call cab if you're drunk, stay home if you want to, do you and do it well.

Now I am off to spend the remainder of the year writing, working on my etsy store and getting together some really exciting stuff. I have a plan y'all and 2014 is gonna be awsome.

Homo Out.
PS...
don't forget if you are so inclined to visit my etsy store and frolic, share or buy. 





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Sunday, December 22, 2013

Old Goth In Winter. Let's talk making it work.


See above part of an outfit from the other day. Now as I have noted right now I am small fat. Tiny fat really but my sensibilities are the same and we're gonna talk about how to make it work.


Bottom photo let's go down the list of the outfit.

First can we talk about my shoes? Those are knock off Lita's I bought on Ebay a while back. 

See this is real Lita's.





That is an amazon affiliate link. I didn't wear those to work because the knock offs I bought are too big in the toe box and my foot slides around so much I can't walk in them. BUT shit I love those shoes. I may save up for a real pair sometime.

Now the skirt is a midi tight ass knit skirt. Here let's talk about a fashion protip #1.

Regardless of what size you are, if you are smaller in the butt and you want a pencil style skirt to fit like a glove buy a size down.

That skirt is a size L from Debshops. The reason it works is because it is a knit fabric and knits stretch, often way more than one might think.  So for my fellow less blessed in the booty tight skirt lovers, buy a size smaller than you might consider. You could probably go down two sizes even if you have more narrow hips proportional to your size.

Next.

The tshirt. This is a basic 4$ tee from Kmart. As you see it's a tad see through but yanno it was four dollars. I believe it is a 2X juniors and on my DD having self is fairly boxyish. Perfect for layering and quite comfy. Four. Dollars.

The cardigan came from the Debshops plus size range.  Now like every other place the plus size clothing is a bit over priced but not Torrid level. I would pay full price for this cardi though. I got the 1X and it is nicely roomy, has those slightly overlong sleeves I love and has room for my boobs.

So here is protip#2. Do not be afraid to mix and match. If you can jam your ham into a straight size L and need a 2X cardi get it. Work that shit out.

They real key to shopping this way is understanding your personal proportions.

For instance I am not that tall, very busty, broad shouldered. So for this reason most straight size tees, camis and tanks will fit me tighter. Most plus size tees, tanks, n camis tend to be too long for me so I go with the tighter fit.

I do not have a lot of booty but I have big thighs. So for tights I tend to size up to accommodate my thighs and size down in skirts for that booty enhancement I crave.

That whole outfit without the shoes looks very cute (for spring I will remix with a lacy cami and thinner sweater), very my sort of office goth and was very cheap.

Now if you are over a size 22/24 let's recreate this look for you. This will be a bit more expensive but I'm only going to talk about shops I can vouch for the quality so it will be worth it.

The skirt. This is the ponte knit skirt from Roamans. Available up to a size 32 and frankly if I"d had a bit more money I would have opted for this. If you are the more modest sort or want an A line shape for the skirt this velour skirt (also a great staple for goths) available up to a 5X (with an elastic waist so it could go up another size).

Both of those options are at shops where it's relatively easy to find coupons and stack hose with free shipping deals. These are two stores I highly recommend signing up for the email list after you're ready to order to get a welcome coupon.

Also both options can be easily dressed up or down and can go season to season. Worth the dollars.

I prefer plain tees and tanks. Tops you can do what you like. If you want something a bit fancier go for a decorated tank.

Now the cardigan is also where you can get creative. If you like a tighter shape, go for a classic button up. Now if I had the cash I would opt for this one actually. I love the decorated trim and the shape, available up to 4X. Head over to Woman Within to get a looksy at a lot of options with some great prices.

Again know your proportions. If you are smaller busted, you can probably try a size down for your sweaters and cardigans for a more loose fit. If you are busy like me, size down for a tight fit, actual size for a moderately fitted fit and up for a loose fit.

This is where I also encourage you to play with shapes. You can change how an entire outfit looks with just a change of skirt, or  adding a belt or something.

Now a word about thrifting online.

Outside of fat fashion specific communities let's talk ebay.

If you have time and some knowledge of your measurements and what you like here's what you do.

I searched 4XL Gothic on ebay rigth now and I'm presented with a lot of bustiers and junk. There are a few gems though.

Basically you want to try different varieties of keywords until you hit gold. My personal watched searches include a general goth search where I've picked up a few skirts and things, 7 Dansko, a few others. I keep my eye out for trends and to see if individual things I want are selling.

It takes some patience but whe you find that one awesome thing you feel like a victorious hunter.

Some other tips for online shopping. Avoid a lot of shops in Asia. I myself am obsessed wit cheap street style wear like the stuff from Romwe. But they have no plus sizes. Can I tell you that I am confident that if more of us cntact them and tell them to make stuff for fattiew and we will buy, it could happen? I contacted them a while ago and I think they were semi enthusiastic about looking into it. Tell them more. Matter of fact if you even want to tell them Shannon Barber aka nudiemuse from tumblr sent you that'd be great.

Lastly don't be afraid to experiment. Wear something in a different spot on yourbody. Wear a "loose" garmen tight, cut some shit up. Especially us poor folks, we gotta make it work. What we need is time and a sense of adventure that overrides our frustration.

Have tip? Share with the class my homies.

Homo Out.
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Thursday, December 12, 2013

#fatmicroaggressions

First this happened on twitter.

I participated a bit and got bored but let's talk about it.

First remember where the term microaggressions came from. read here.

Now like other issues among marginalized people especially these days a lot of things that come from POC are being used with other issues.

I am semi uncomfortable with this.

I am partly uncomfortable because too many people decide that once a term or phrase gets co-opted that is just what it means. The words we use when talking about marginalization whether it stems from race or size etc, have history and meaning. It is important to understand this before going full steam ahead.

Now that we have that out of the way let's talk about what microaggressions can do to us.

If you are a person who has heard the little digs your whole life, there is a large tendency to absorb them and come to believe them as the truth. That you deserve them.

As science and our lived experience has taught us, shame is a shitty way of life for everyone.

What do we do?

Personally I don't play the game. I've found that most of this back handed "concern" about my supposed dire health is rooted in people being assholes. They want to humiliate me into changing my body to suit them. Any concern for my actual health is never a thought.

In what universe does mooing at someone in public help them?

It is more crap in the cesspool of abusive behavior that passes for "concern" when it comes to fat people.

The fact that a fat person can't exercise in public, walk around, live their life without some asshole needing to humiliate them is proof that no they don't really care.

Here's the fact my homies.

Someone who takes time of of their day to say something shitty to you about your body, is not being helpful. They don't care about you. They don't give a shit about the reality of your health or anything else. They just want to be right.

There is no good reason to go out of your way to say or do something mean to someone to "improve" their life or body.

None.

The line between micro and outright aggression is razor thin.

I personally refuse to believe that there is anything micro about the aggression people have demonstrated when it comes to the size of my ass.

I'm talking the insults, the moos, the backhanded compliments, the concern" when hey question what food I happen to be buying or eating at any one time, the proselytizing for the diet of the moment, the apparent super human ability to see my blood sugar, blood pressure or other vital stats.

It is flat out aggression.

It is war against my body and I m not having it.

I will cut it off, I will stare at people like they just grew another head until they flush and turn away, I will loudly proclaim that if they are so worried about what food I eat they are welcome to buy my food for me, if they dn't like what I am wearing they can pay me a large salary and I will wear whtever uniform they want while I am working.

Basically as I have said before fuck you pay me.

Otherwise fuck off and mind your own godamn business.

Want to "help" me?

Pay me a lot of money so I don't have stress about bills.
Demand that EVERYONE including Death Fat people have access to decent diverse clothing without searching the ends of the Earth.
Demand that EVERYONE has acess to basic quality health care without being abused by the system.
Demand that Gyms disallow harassment of fat people while they exercise.
Stop abusing people with different bodies than yours.

Oh but wait, your method is so much better right?

It's so much easier to try and knock people down and feel good about the fact that you told the fatty and "did something" about them than actually working for the betterement of everyone.

Right.

So my homis, this is the hard part.

Let's stop playing those reindeer games. Stop taking it to heart. Remember that people who hurt you are not good for you. Even if it is your family and they are the people saying these things to you, they are not in the right.

It doesn't matter how fat or thin you are no one has a right to abuse you because of the size of your ass. They are wrong. It is okay to tell them they are wrong and that their comments and behavior is not okay.

You person, with the big fat fat ass and you with the teeny tiny ass have the right to live with dignity and to walk around not being abused.

Do what you have to do to survive.

Need therapy? Get it.

Yell at people being assholes to you on the street? Do it.

Cut people out of your life if they can't stop? Go.

I know this is really, REALLY difficult and a lot of us can't et away. But you can work on yourself and deal with yourself and help yourself.

Don't give the assholes all your power they don't deserve it.

Remember you are not alone, you're not the only person this happens to. It sucks for all of us and we all understand.

As the saying goes, don't let the bastards get you down.
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Sunday, December 08, 2013

Fat Fashion Fails Again.

Via tumblr I saw this article over at Bitchtopia. Torrid is rebranding again.

If you look here let's see what their rebranding is.

Ahem.

I have long mourned the pre pink Torrid days when a fat girl with alt tastes could buy some sturdy clothes for reasonable prices.

So considering pre pink think about this. I have three items I bought in the first year Torrid was open that are still in good wearable condition.

In the intervening years Torrid has gone trendy for a minute and now they are gong with the sexy.

They have also had a marked downturn in the quality of clothing they sell while upping prices substantially.

Let's talk about their quality first.

The last piece of clothing I bought brand new not on sale from Torrid was a shirt. Nothing super fancy, a little dressy and it was for an event.

I got to wear it once and wash it as per the instructions once before it just disintegrated.

On the other hand I have a halter dress from Walmart that cost half as much and has been through far worse and is still wearable and pretty.

Torrid wants us to believe that we are Plus Size and super sexy and are about to get something really special when in fact what we are getting is screwed. The lack of diversity of styles, the smaller sizing and the huge pricetags for shit merchandise is pretty awful.

I think of it like that scene in Anchor Man. Torrid is trying to make us eat cat poop, we're crying cause we're starving so we eat the cat poop.

Now frankly on a personal level fuck Torrid. On a bigger level fuck Torrid even more.

As I've said time and time again Fat Fashion just does not serve most of us.

Many of us are deathfatties and the supposed YAY fatties stuff doesn't fit. Or it stops at a size 22 or is juniors plus size.

Others of us are just too poor.

Some of us are too poor AND too fat (aw shit intersectionality).

What is sad to me is that even when we are supposed to think that we want to use our wallets to say YES YES MORE FAT FASHION, we can't.

I find it beyond frustrating that the issues of availability, varying price points and varying styles seems to be just too much for 99% of fat fashion offerings to deal with.

For me personally I am currently at what I call fat teenager size and I'm short so I can buy some of the teenager marketed plus size clothes. This is the first year in a long time I have been able to and the privilege is just insane to me. It feels pretty great, but then I think about my Death Fatty friends who have awesome tastes but not the budget or opportunity to express it and I get sad.

I will hold out hope that some retailer will have it click that fat people from my size wee fat asses to death fatties and beyond want and need affordable, diverse clothing that is easy to get.

Until then we do what we can.

To that end I'm going to do a post sometime soon on how I get some of my fatty fashions, we'll revisit my technique for online thrifting and YES Death Fatties I got you too boos, and we'll talk about some less srs business fashion.

That's it.

Homo Out.

PS

I have some other news but I will share about that tomorrow. In the meantime Team Self Care Like a Boss how is everyone doing? I have not been doing it so well myself but I am trying. We'll talk about that too.



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