Monday, July 28, 2014

Goodnight Dear Blog.

First let me say that I am not quitting blogging at all.

There will be more fatness, Blackness, fashion, make up and yammering just not here.

After over a thousand posts, almost 200 thousand page views, almost 2 thousand comments now it's time to do a new thing.

Basically here's what's goin' on.

My life as a writer has been changing, my needs are changing and my ideas about how I expend my energy are changing.

Also if I'm going to be super honest, I'm tired of doing a lot of work that other people are making money off of.

Real talk.

In the past two years specifically I can count at least ten occasions where my work has been used as a source, quoted or otherwise used without my permission or knowledge until it was sent to me or I found out on my own.

Most of those occasions are things people got paid for.

I did not get paid.

I did not get asked.

I got taken advantage of.

Not only did it make me feel taken advantage of, it hurt me. It hurt me emotionally and impacted my work in ways I can hardly even describe adequately.

It cost me money.

It made me cry.

It made me feel somehow both inadequate (not good enough to even be asked) but obviously good enough to be quoted and lifted from.

It reminded me in stark unavoidable detail that a lot of people who claim to be anti racist and inclusive don't actually give a fuck.

That people who FUCKING KNOW ME PERSONALLY don't value me, my work, my humanity or anything.

Honestly y'all, this is a case of a few bad apples ruining the barrel.

Writing here got to be really difficult as the increasing scarcity of posts might show you.

Then after some recent articles elsewhere, there was the problem of my question box being flooded with racialized hate mail.

I got very tired and very discouraged. I almost stopped trying to write non fiction elsewhere and stop blogging and even talking because y'all I was exhausted.

I felt fragile and exposed.

I felt like I was letting down all of you regulars who have been so kind to me over the years.

And then while I was talking to Uniballer about some crafty project or other, I decided to do something for myself.

As I am catapulting towards 40 I realized I am in flux and now is a good time to do a thing.

SO with that my darlings I want you to know I am moving my blogging to a more personal (as this spot was intended to be) spot where I feel like I can do the FA and the personal shit without the taint of feeling used.

I want to share more of my real life with the politics. Abandoning blogging all together would feel shitty. Blogging started me on the road to being brave enough to write non fiction. It showed me my voice.

Y'all have been so good to me. You bought me pants, you got me a little computer, you have encouraged me with love notes and listening and shutting the the fuck u when it was needed.

That in mind from today (I will schedule my first post for tomorrow) onwards you will find me at

No more adult warning. No more blogger eating my posts. A brand new slate.

If you go there now, it's blank. I am getting stuff together. I am going to have special pages for beauty stuffs, fashion, links. If you want links to be included (even posts from here you find important) please let me know  in the comments.

If you don't want to follow me for more personal adventures that's okay too. Thank you for reading all these years.

With that, I say goodbye blogger.

If you'd like to read some of my latest non fiction you can check me out on LunaLuna talking race and feminism, I'm doin the self care thing over at XOjane on the regular. AND lastly you can read an essay about my epic failure to pee on a date right over here.

I love you homies and haters I really do.

Homo Out forever from blogger.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Hello again Haters and a wee announcement.

Pardon my unplanned hiatus my friends.

Remember I've been talking about relaunching and wordpress and shit? So that is about to happen.

The thing is that between the misuses of my work and general malaise I feel like I want a new start. I have been blogging on various platforms for a really long time now and as much as I have enjoyed doing serious business FA here, I don't really want to do it anymore.

My problem is that I've said a lot of things and I am a little tired of doing a lot of work for free. I just don't really have the spoons nor the time to really do serious FA anymore.

That being what it is, I also didn't want to make the change in this space and using blogger.

So here is what is gonna happen.

I am going to leave this here as an archive of sorts.

Aside from feeling too burnt crispy I also really want to give more which has been hard here. So the new plan is this.

I will give y'all the new link probably tomorrow or Thursday.

I will post a thing with the new link.

I hope y'all will come along for more things, I will still talk about fatness and race and shit but also I want to integrate more of my interests and stuff I like to talk about. Natural hair, fashion, maybe some more make up and whatnot.

Wig reviews, experiments. Feelings. Body Image.

Self care- a LOLtastic aside. Y'all hate reading me, you don't have to be sending me actual traffic since you hate every word that comes out of my dam mouth. Also just a note. Regardless of how much you hate my work, linking to me is giving me traffic which makes me a bit of money. Also circle jerking for years (yes years ago a bunch of y'all came running about something or other the evil fat ass said)

Continually following the series of  posts at XOjane you hate so much, gets me pageviews and that tells the publisher people are enjoying and reading.

So seriously. I don't know if your aim is to hurt my actual feelings (linking to this post to talk shit about the advice I gave to someone who asked and needed it obviously is just a shitty thing to do) or to try to passive aggressively (since none of y'all will speak to me like actual grown ups about both the context and content of what I'm writing) shut me down, well you're not really doing it that well.

I am aware of what you're saying.

To be honest I cared for a few seconds when (and let me remind you as I've said many times I do know how to read and use web analytics) I found the incoming traffic.

I was a little hurt.

And then I remembered something a good friend of mine said the first time I was talked about on the internet.

In terms of shit that has happened from this sort of thing, meh.

I'm not super bothered you hate my work. A lot of people hate my work. I have been generally involved in the writing and publishing industry outside of the internets and on the internets, for more than 20 years.

The length of time aside I am a Black Queer person with opinions that White people have threatened to kill me for both online and off.

So as a note to my regular homies and those who are afraid when this sort of thing happens.

It's not about you or me really.

The whole look let's hate read and talk a lot of shit about this person thing is nothing new. Shitty people have done it since the dawn of time.

To the reader who brought it to my attention you are a sweetheart and don't worry I'm not freaked out.

Hate read me if you like. Talk about how stupid and awful my writing is that's fine.

Keep on clicking (I do like those extra pennies for traffic), keep on assuming shit when you could just ask and get an actual answer, or rub your presumptions all in your groin or whatever.

Fact is, I will probably keep writing shit you hate.

Whether you hate me because OH SHIT FAT, OH NO NEGRO WITH OPINIONS, or because I am so "XOJane" which if you actually knew me would be hilarious given my history of having major issues with some of their editorial ethics and decisions.

And if you really want to dox me, do remember to use that google machine where you can find my name and contact information.

Okay for the rest of my regular homies.

I heard from our homie from this entry. They have been walking and stretching and learning how to change how they view movement and their body. That person has even gone out dancing with their friends!

The reason I talked about the hate readers so much is so that I can say this.

Regardless of what you have said or will say about me, I feel pretty damn good that I helped a real live human being have a better quality of life.

That is so much more important to me than people who hate me.

Honestly, one of the driving forces behind my non fiction as a whole, is for that one person who says, thank you for helping me.

To put it more seriously (I am talking about this with permission) someone who bought V2.0 read it and did not kill themselves.

I don't want to put all their business out there but in the section where I repeatedly talk about surviving and getting help when you need it, they took that to heart and did not kill themselves.

I have been in texting contact with this person since they got out of the hospital and been in contact with the person they called for help and y'all-

You know that I am a fairly sensitive person. Sometimes I take it to heart as real critique of my work when I am trolled, talked about, gas lighted etc.

And then something that means so much to me like helping someone survive just makes it all okay.

The racialized threats, the hate mail, the death threats, the rape threats, the threats to be doxed (to be clear I'm not talking about the people above specifically just what has happened to me on the internet for years) and the time it takes to clear my various inboxes (including comments on a fucking cat video) of hateful messages are all kind of nothing in the face of really doing what I feel I was put on the planet to do.

I do truly feel that part of why I exist, is to be of service to some people. I am lucky to be reminded very often that there are people out there who need my voice. That even though I'm not in good enough health or have enough time to do street level volunteering like I did when I was a kid, that I can still make a little difference in the universe.

That is everything to me.

I've gone way long. I am deep in my feelings today because even those folks who hate me I love you anyway and hope y'all have good lives even if that means you wanna talk shit only semi behind my back.

I love my regular homies who have hung in there for years.

I love my new readers who only know me from Xojane or Luna Luna.

I am pretty full of love.

Even when I'm rolling my eyes.

Okay fuck sake I need to calm down.

I am going to go work on relaunch stuff, I have many plans and goals.

So please keep an eye out here for the new bookmark and the actual relaunch that I am hoping to make happen by Sunday.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Health help for a Super Fat Friend.


Homies we have important work to do today.

One of our new homies who is super fat wants some advice on relearning how to engage with their health outside of the OH SHIT FATASS U GONNA DIE thing.

Okay first thing I'm going to say to you my friend is be hydrated.

For at least ten years one of the few things I can do constantly and know immediately if I am not is drinking a lot of water.

If you aren't a huge water drinker start with one big glass and then drink two.

For me being hydrated even if I feel otherwise really shitty, helps a lot of things. My joints work better, my innards work better, my skin looks better, I am not as itchy as I can get. It helps overall.

Stretch. You don't have to go all full on yoga. But try doing a few little stretches (which you can do sitting down if you need to, search the youtubes) to loosen up. Sit up as straight as you can.

Now we get into what can be terrible territory.


Now let me remind you my friend you don't have to do shit. You do what makes you feel good.

For me the way I made friends with movement again was slowly and really fucking gently.

We all know I'm a big fan of doing a little dance. If I am upright chances are my ass is wiggling. It makes me happy. I express my happy like that. I do something great, victory dance. I manage to not spill my tea, victory dance. I get a tune in my head, my booty shakes.

That is what makes me feel good. I like doing a little bump n grind around the house. I bounce, I shake. It makes me happy.

For me thinking more in terms of what just makes me feel good- okay wait.

I really started thinking about this while watching dogs and babies.

It started with a neighbor boys pitbull Baby. I ran into them and Baby wagged her tail and hind end so hard she tipped over and then rolled on her back for a belly rub and she wriggled and made happy noises.

It tickled me.

And then babies.

Have you ever watched a baby have like a full body laugh/happy?

They wriggle, they flap and flail because they don't know how to control their arms yet.

And then I felt kind of jealous.

I wanted to remember how it feels to express my happy that way.

So I did.

And I do.

So I wiggle my ass. Sometimes while I am brushing my teeth I twerk a little bit. I hum and wiggle my butt. I can't twerk properly but I can do a thing with my thighs I like. Sometimes I do a little bellydance flavored shimmy.

it makes me happy.

I encourage you my friend to find some movement that makes you happy. Maybe you like walking in circles, maybe you like swinging your arms about, maybe you like sitting on the couch and kicking your feet.

The point here isn't necessarily fitness as an end goal but to show your body and your brain that movement doesn't have to make you feel like shit.

If you are too shy to get outside for dedicated exercise try this. Go to a farmer's market (this is presuming you don't have mega social anxiety) and stroll. Look at everything, ask folks questions about their super special tomatoes.

And remember. Even if you weren't fat someone would be looking at you and that is okay. It is also okay for that to make you nervous. The important thing is that you are dong your thing regardless of what anyone else is doing.

Wear comfy shoes. Wear an outfit that makes you feel good. Put your sunscreen on and do your thing.

Now those things are hard things to really take in.

There is a payoff my friend.

Once we start to figure out how to engage with our health on our own terms, things start to change.

For me that has meant I have to make peace with the size of my ass right now.

As much as I miss my fatter ass, that is not what's happening and I have to deal with it without letting myself sink into a big ole hate spiral.

It has meant that I have had to relearn a lot of stuff. I have had to relearn how to eat. I have to eat more in order to keep my weight stable and I have a hard time with that. I'm doing pretty well but it's really fucking hard and I get really frustrated.

I'm still struggling with not just giving in to my inside EXERCISE TIL YOU PUKE voice. I have to work really hard to make sure that I'm not being a total asshole to myself about exercise. My first instinct is often to push it until I break and my body doesn't like it.

So when my knees start to hurt I stop myself. I tell myself that while it's a great idea in theory to walk that extra mile, I just shouldn't do it.

I work at it.

Some days y'all, I fail. I am a total fucking asshole to myself and I want to dive head first into the self hate fueled diet and exercise thing. Sometimes it takes me a few days to pull myself out and remember that doesn't work.

I said it before and I will say it again.

Self hate and shame is not good for your health.

You cannot hate yourself into being healthy. That is a contradiction in terms.

What you can do is learn to care for your health and support your health in ways that don't stick to the hate yourself thin framework.

So my new friend let's start with just little things.

Be nicer to yourself in general.
Drink water.
Move around.

And let me also remind y'all that there is no magic bar of able bodiedness to engage with your health or movement.

If you can't shake you booty shake your toe. Blink, tap your fingers. Your body is great regardless of what you can do or how you need to do things differently.

Now I want everybody to give it a shot.

Try this stuff for two weeks. Or maybe a month.

You can do it. I believe in you.

In other news.


We're gettin ready to level up.

I am working on creating a simple graphic to put on stuff (cafepress stuff to start with) to be a little visual reminder about self care. I'm talking I want you to see it, and think Shannon said that shit about drinking some water so I'm gonna drink some water now.

I am also looking into moving blog services.

I'm probably going to install wordpress now that my hosting has made it simple. All I need to do is have some time and space to work it out. Most likely this here blog address will remain as an archive and we'll start fresh n tasty on wordpress.

AND thanks to more sales of the self care book, this here website has been paid for with my writing and that means everything to me.

Right now my goal is to sell the remaining 30 copies of the book I have listed (don't worry there will be more), get a new phone because my phone is aged and bordering useless and save the rest of my money for writer related business.

I also want to (when I relaunch here) make sure I keep the integrity of my space and make sure y'all still feel nice n welcome.

So that is the business.

And I turn it over to you guys. Do you have advice for our friend? Drop it in the comments like it's hot.

Homo Out.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Stop Improperly Using my Work

Okay y'all.

Again this week (after numerous times of this happening) I am just...I am irritated.

Can someone explain to me how it is that my work here in my little blog over the years has been good enough to quote and be used for source material for textbooks, articles, other blogs but people can't be arsed to look to the right and see my goddamn name?

You know I realize that when everybody and their Mama was getting blog based book deals that I was not shooting for that.

I realize that I am not a Nice White Lady nor am I a generally recognizable name in FA circles but, how intellectually dishonest is it to use my hard work without bothering to learn my name?

Given that this has happened for years at this point and I'm sure I've only caught a small amount myself and the readers who have tipped me off haven't known what to do, I can only think of a few things.

Is it because I am a "lay" person? I don't have a doctorate. I'm not even traditionally educated. Is there some shame in using such a poor resource? A resource that is made with code switching and that makes it clear that there is to be no academic jargon gate keeping?

Is it because this little blog is not hugely popular. Is it because this is not Shapely Prose nor is it any of the other once mega popular fat blogs?

Or is it because it's easy to steal from a Black blogger with a relatively small following? Naturally someone as disconnected from academia and social justice book publishing must be too ignorant to catch people in the act.

I am getting shades of Seal Press and that epic fuckarow back in the day.

How the fuck is this still happening?

I realize that due to frequent racist spam bombs in my various inboxes I can be not the easiest to get a hold of.

But since google attached G+ to everything, you can read my goddamn name.

This level of complete disrespect for me, my work as a writer AND the activism I have done in this space is astonishing and yet I'm not that surprised.

How is it that for every quote from a well known White FA blogger I see, their full names are always used.

Even if they are known by their handles people use their names.

Why don't I get the same respect?

I get that it must make White people feel real good when they can say they read the blog of a Black woman, even better to look at their book or whatever and say HEY LOOK I LINKED A BLACK PERSON.

But, it's too much effort to use standard attribution for a Black blogger.

And not one person who has done this, NOT A SINGLE ONE in the past six years has really admitted to doing anything wrong really.

The one's I have spoken to offered luke warm "I'll try" apologizes that they might as well have not even fucking bothered.

This is why I am really at a point where I would like to sever official ties to FA.

I am tired of having a bunch of different google alerts and methods to find out who and where my work is displayed without my consent or knowledge.

I can't even get a fucking thank you.

This is why I so often talk about my long term readers as my ride or die people.

So many of you have dropped me notes when you've seen posts and articles that have basically regurgitated things I've said or co opted my particular vernacular without even a shade of thanks to me.

So many of you have raged along with me about this.

I don't even know what to do anymore.

Currently I have been spreading my little writer chicken wings and trying to expand my writerly universe. I have had some amazing authors, editors and other people supporting me and giving me opportunities I don't know how I would have ever gotten.

So while I am feeling so good about that, here I am with this little blog.

My little blog has been my favorite litterbox.

I love my ride or die readers.

I love that so many of you have really come on the ride with me. You've supported me. You've encouraged me when I've been down. You've helped me through some shit in ways I can't even really describe and this keeps happening and tainting it.

It's worse that so much of it comes from academia.

I just...y'all.

I am not just angry. Of course I"m angry. I pay for the hosting here, I learned t code to make this blog look the way I wanted it to look. I did research into an option for my visually impaired friends (at the top there is a sort of auto reader thing). I have wept, I have been harassed, I have had people roll through here JUST to steal my photos and threaten to dox me.

I'm also hurt.

It hurts me in a very specific kind of way.

Am I good enough but not really?

Or is it worse?

What is worse?

Deep down every time I see this happen all I can think about is this.

It must be because I'm Black and who gives a fuck what some random Black girl has to say? Right? It'll make someone else look good to quote me but it's not important enough (as in being anti racist or even being an ethical writer) to give me the right type of credit.

I don't even know what to do.

I don't know how to feel except hurt and dismayed.

There is of course going to be some plagiarism in life. I'm a writer I know that.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

How about either attribute me the way all the Nice WHite People you attribute, or just don't bother at all. Don't read my work, don't link to it, don't quote me, pretend like I don't fucking exist.


I can't any further.

Later this week (had been planned for today) we're going to get into some stuff about dealing with fatness outside of an FA context and I want to give y'all some tools to survive.

My regular homies, I love you.

Homo Out.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

I'm Cute, Fat and Living.

Once upon a time there was a chubby Black girl who walks around feelin herself.

LOL no okay.

So earlier this week I was walkin around lalalala. I had a short but frustrating conversation with a woman who is my age, a little fatter than me. She said she sees me in the hood fairly often and she of course mentioned that she noticed I've lost weight.

After swearing that I don't have a sooper seekrit weight loss thing and briefly explaining that I am fairly ambivalent to slightly disappointed with having lost weight she launched into one of those things that makes me cringe.

She spoke at length (on the bus too) about how much more confident I seem. How I'm "not afraid to show my stuff".

I was so tired y'all, all I could do is face palm.

She not only ignored what I actually said about my weight she ignored the fact that the last time we saw each other it was fucking cold so I had on a lot of clothing.

Lately I look something like this:

 photo me1_zps9882761f.jpg

So it's warmish here in Washington and we know I hate wearing pants so most days I'm wearing a skirt, my fancy ass croc flats (no seriously they are the best fucking ballet flats ever) and my trusty velvet hoody.

Now I told her when she was done marveling at how I've kept my look and blablblabla that from size 4ish up through a size 22 or so (also I'll get to my actual weight in those years) I have dressed essentially the same.

The reason I'm walking around feeling myself is because I dyed my hair red recently and I look fucking cute as shit.

After it was clear that she wasn't trying to believe that I felt as good if not better about myself and my body when I was fatter I just shut down.

The point is my friends that even I whom y'all tend to think is pretty bullet proof sometimes just can't engage.

It's exhausting.

One of the things that never ceases to amaze me is how so many people just don't understand that a lot of fat people don't walk around consumed by their fatness.

Fat people have shit to do. Work, home, school, jobs, eyebrows, manicures, fancy cars, writing, reading books, walking dogs, chasing goats.

You know,life.

It breaks my heart that so many not fat people seem to think that life is a diet commercial. Fat lives aren't all fat people sitting next to windows gazing wistfully at the outside world, with a single tear rolling down their fat cheek because they can't do anything because they are fat. Fat people don't generally magically lose a shitload of weight and then find themselves spinning in charming circles in Paris or running around in fucking meadows.

That is just not necessarily how it is.

It reminds me of tampon and other vagina product commercials.

All of a sudden you do a thing to your pussy and you can drink wine with your girlfriends, run in a meadow AND GO IN A POOL.


Know for those who believe wholeheartedly that being fat or being really fucking fat precludes the ability to just live let me ask you this.

When you see those terror clips on tv that show fat people outside, when you see that they have no heads we can assume that they aren't actors right?

Now if fat people weren't outside doing things (going to work, at amusement parks, at cultural events etc) how would that footage happen?

If they are in fact all actors, how could they be outside you know acting if fat people can't do anything because they are fat and being fat takes over your entire life.

Fat people from wee tiny fats like myself to really fucking super fat people have shit to do.

Fat people of many sizes live lives.

Those who are in fact entirely consumed by their fatness, often if we examine that and talk to them we learn that it is not coming from within but from the outside.

If those people weren't abused into believing that their worth as a human and their ability to live a life is dependant on the size of their ass, they'd be living too. I stand by that shit firmly.

So if you are fat and don't think you can do stuff, you can do stuff.

You might need to do things differently if you are really really super mega fat but you can still do stuff.

Some stuff might be harder than other stuff and that is okay.

What's not okay is projecting a fat=symbolically dead narrative onto fat bodies or bodies that were once fat.

Stop doing that it is not okay.

I really wish that instead of assuming I look cute cause mya ss is smaller, assume I look cute as fuck because I have style and a kick ass dye job.

 photo redhairs_zps7e1807b0.jpg

Or just think I look cute.

Homo Out.

Thursday, June 05, 2014

About my freaking body.

Okay so as we know I lost some weight in the last couple of years and while my weight is stable right now (Thank you Gods of Chaos) I'm still not totally used to the changes nor am I happy with them.

An issue I'm kind of struggling with is that I have some crepey skin.

So it's not a lot but sometimes when I see myself naked in the mirror or I lay in a certain position or whatever I see it and kind of feel weird.

Being that I have a degree of thin privilege I'm doing pretty well in terms of finding clothing I like to wear except that my measurements are a little extreme right now so my aim when it comes to stuff fitting is a bit off.

But y'all....

I figured out I would rather be rounder and fatter with my skin full up than to feel like it is loose in places. This realization has kind of fucked me up.

Like I tried to explain to someone recently.

I felt more bodily self esteem when I was closer to an 18-20. For my height and proportions I felt pretty much perfect.

I had a little bit of booty meats, I could fill out a pair of pants the way I like and now I just...well shit.

Even though this weight change wasn't voluntary or on purpose I am trying to deal with it and stay somewhat positive but sometimes I'm just ugh.

WHERE the fuck did my ass go?

We all know I'm booty obsessed. I love booty. I love a big fat ass.

I had a little bit of a fat ass and now I don't and I'm mad.

I want my ass back.

I have to confess y'all.

I look at fatshion pics and stuff and I am tingly with a particular kind of jealousy. I want my ass back. I want to be solidly back in plus size clothes.

Do you know how sad I was that I had saved up money for a dress from Domino Dollhouse, crazy ass price to be damned and when I finally had saved up I can't fit into it anymore? LIke...fuck.

I honestly am struggling with it. Trying to shut out the narrative that I am supposed to be super happy about my smaller ass is way more stressful than I realized.

I have a handle on dealing with what bit of thin privilege I have. I'm totally comfortable owning it and if y'all like we can talk about it.

I have made peace with the fact that bodies change and sometimes it sucks but we can deal.

What I cannot abide right now is getting used to how my body looks.

This is not my aesthetically preferred weight. If life were fair and perfect I'd be a bigger 16/18 and feel like everything was right with the world.

Alas, I am not.

Objectively I'm barely fat. The way I'm built means I look smaller than I am which I am also struggling with, as evidenced by my lack of full length photos lately.

On one hand I've been dressing super cute lately and I want to share some new thrifting ways/things to demonstrate my theory of ignoring size labels and wearing ALL THE STRETCH but at the same time I don't want to alienate my fatter readers with my not so fat anymore body.

And before anybody says NO NOT ME, it's nobody individually it's more of a general vibe I've gotten in FA for a long time. Now I just am feeling it kind of more keenly since visually I'm sure 90% of you would look at me and tell me to fuck off cause I'm not that fat at this time.

So yeah.

I'm angsting a bit about it because I for real want to share but I don't want to drive folks off.

I'm going to think about it.

Meanwhile, I am going to try really hard not to feel so weird about how my body looks. I'm healthy for me, granted I've gotten sick more since I lost weight and I don't like that but I have been working very hard on intuitive eating and I'm no I am feeling like I am doing better at feeding myself appropriately.

I'm trying to listen to my body and not fight it. If it wants to do a thing, we're gonna do the thing because I do not have the spoons nor magic to fight it and work and everything.

What else?

In keeping with my struggle to really accept how my body is right this instant I want to blog more about fatshion and ways to get around some of the sizing problems death fat folks and smaller folks like myself might be having.

I want to revisit my thrifting methods.

I want to bring y'all along as I am heading for 40 and really putting all of this FA/body politics shit into heavy practice. I want to explore how bringing these things into my late 30s has made aging so much better.

Not that I wasn't before but right now I feel like it is absolutely imperative that I go hard for it. This is survival,

So there we are.

AND here we are back to our regularly scheduled programming.

ALSO Beatfreak you are mentioned in the new self care book. Just an FYI. Because I adore you.

Okay that's all for right now homies. LOTS of things are gong on right now.

If you'd like to read some of my non fiction you can read my article here Dear White Ladies at Luna Luna Magazine.

Homo Out.

Monday, June 02, 2014

New Rule

After spotting my work quoted, used as a resource etc without proper attribution new rule.

(Once I roll over to word press this will be a perm page.)

If you are going to use my work as a source for academic work, books, or whatever especially if you are making money off of said thing source me properly.

My full name is everywhere.

My name is Shannon Barber.

I am an author. I work hard to provide good quality content both here and my other blogs and in my other work.

Have enough respect for me as a creator to use my full fucking name.

Kick in a few bucks.

Don't act like I am an anonymous blogger because I'm not.

It is not that hard to find out my name.

I found my work used as a reference (again) over the weekend and frankly while I am glad that my work is good enough/salient enough to be used as source material it is really not okay to do so without even bothering to use my full name.

More so when I can see that the other bloggers referenced (all White) were named fully.

More so when nobody asked me if I minded.

More so when I know that this has happened at least ten other times I can think of and the only reason I know is because I know how to use googles effectively.

I am not so into solidarity that I will say oh yeah go ahead.


If you can't be bothered to treat my work with the respect you give others don't fucking bother.

That's all for right now.

Don't forget you can get my new Self Care book right over here for only FIVE DOLLARS.

I will be back to regular posting here soon.

Also I will be moving to wordpress in the near future but this link will remain as an archive.

Homo Out.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Self care like a boss V2.0 is out.

Brand new and bigger and badder. This is your guide to how to start self caring.This is self care for the rest of us. If you need help, if you need a voice of reason here I am my friend. This is more than 30,000 words of advice about everything from what to do when you’re constipated, to how to manage taking care of your body when your self esteem isn’t so great. Also advice for people with gender feels, some advice about skin care, self health checks and much more. 

This is for you, this is for all of us. Regardless of your gender, your body size or shape, if you are able bodied or disabled, if you are chronically ill, if you’re gay or asexual it is for you. Come on homies. Let’s go for a ride.

As a bonus, if you missed the original version of the book, I have included a download link at the end where you can get V1.0. That is TWO BOOKS full of ALL THE THINGS.
And as a special thank you to everyone here, after purchase you will get a coupon that is good through the end of June for 10% off when you spend two dollars.
Click the photo or click here to get your Self Care on.
And if you can’t afford to buy that is TOTALLY OKAY. Signal boost this post, pin it to pinterest, share it on facebook. 
And keep your eyes peeled y’all. I have some new stories for the store in the next few weeks and am planning a giveaway. 
Thank you homies, without y’all I wouldn’t be shit.

Homo Out!


Tuesday, May 27, 2014


Pardon my unplanned hiatus. I have been working constantly and am 99% done with the new version of the self care book. It will be out this week.

And now I want to contribute to the #yesallwomen thing. I am putting a general TW on this entry for everything.

Read it at your own risk.

First I want to address the idea of not all men.

Not all men have threatened to rape, murder or otherwise harm men. Enough have done so and more have been a witness to it and said nothing.

So while yes, not all literal men, it is all men.

I remember the first time I felt reasonably certain something was going to happen to me.

I was a little girl, small and stout and it was summer. I remember it was brightly colored, skirted and flounced as I ran around on the beach. I spent much of the day in and out of the cold water, draping myself in Seaweed and pretending to be a mermaid, rolling around in the sand and being entirely happy the way little kids can.

I remember the man, he was wearing cammo Bermuda shorts and he had thin pale hairy legs. I remember he smiled at me and told me what a little flirt I was. He told me I looked delicious in my swim suit. He called me sweetie and licked his lips.

I remember it wasn't what he said but how he said it, I remember feeling scared and nervous. I remember his looking between my legs when I sat down to try and go back to digging a hole.

I remember the fear that made it hard to yell. I didn't know what to do. I felt guilty, I felt dirtied. I felt like I had done something wrong but was afraid to do anything else wrong and make the man angry.

When he looked away (I assume looking back to see if someone who looked like my parent was nearby) I grabbed my bucket and ran back to my Mom.

I had strange nightmares about the man and his lip licking for weeks.

I didn't tell anyone because I thought that I had done something to make it happen.

Later, when puberty was going crazy in my body I was a 13 year old girl with huge tits. I'm talking an F cup on my small at the time frame. Most of the time I felt weird and ugly.

I remember I had a band concert and I wore a tight black skirt, black nylons, kitten heels, black cummerbund and a billowy white tux shirt with a black bowtie. I remember feeling the giddy beginnings of how it feels to feel sexy. I felt pretty and grown up. I had on eyeliner and I thought my legs looked nice.

I stood outside with other kids, waiting for the bandroom to be opened up with my head held high.

It took one grown man, someone else's Dad to stop, look me up and down and proclaim me "slutbait" and to chastise me for having such "big titties" to make me feel afraid and loathed. I slunk away and hid in the bathroom trying vainly to unslutbait myself.

When I was a little girl, before I understood the nature of sexual harassment and what it means to have a strange man proposition, demand or otherwise need to abuse me sexually all I knew was fear and guilt.

I was afraid because those men were big like my Daddy. I was small. I did not know how to defend myself. I did not know how to tell someone that I felt sexually endangered because that is not language I had.

I felt guilty because somehow I felt like I had provoked it. Every time. From the time I walked home from the library with books in my arms and eating an apple and a man tried to lure me into his car, to when I was told by a group of big boys (I was still a little girl) that they wanted to "tear off my bra and see if my tits were real".

It was my fault.

No one ever told me it wasn't.

When I was older and knew what rape was when I was walking home from school in my cheerleading uniform thinking only about having a hot pocket I threw an orange at a car full of boys my age because they drove past me yelling about how they wanted to get under my skirt.

That was the first time my terror was followed by rage.

I remember realizing that no matter what I was doing, I was supposed to be fair game for any man to have. That if I was walking by myself, or wearing make up, or showing some cleavage that men thought it was their right to claim my body or threaten me.

Between that realization and right now, so much and yet so little has changed.

Now when I am catcalled, when I am cornered when I am afraid my immediate desire is to commit an act of violence.

I want to hit, I want to stab, I forget that I am 5'4 and not as physically strong as I imagine myself to be. In those moments I feel like I am the biggest blackest mother fucker on the planet and I want to pick up a car and throw it.

I can't of course so I do what I know how to do.

Inside I feel the same things other women feel.

I wonder almost daily if that is the night I don't make it home to my partner.

I am afraid every time I see a car slowing down. I am thinking about getting the license plate, about seeing the driver/passengers, I put my 911 speed dial on the front screen of my phone, I wonder if there will be witnesses.

I wonder if that night will be the night I am assaulted, I am raped, I am murdered.

I wonder if I do get assaulted, raped how will I explain to the court that I did not want this man's touch but have had sex with a lot of other men.

Will the defense find the topless pictures of me on the internet, will the erotica I have written come up, will they find the one night stands I had in my early twenties, will they find my words talking about my kinks, will they bring up the essay I wrote about Female Privilege and decide that my snark is the literal truth?

Because I am a Black woman will it be assumed that I was hooking?

I think about these things. I seethe with rage because I am afraid of being killed or raped or dragged into a stranger's car that I zig zag through Belltown and wind up missing my bus.

I get angry because I've seen my best friend cry because she was afraid for my safety.

I get angry because when I say that it is not my duty to look nice for, to be nice to strange men, men tell me I'm being a stuck up cunt.

I am angry because it is presumed that my desire to be in absolute control of who I am sexually available to is a literally laughable concept to too many men.

I am tired of hearing about men or boys killing women for saying no.

I am tired of being told that I am a feminzai nigger bitch (quoted verbatim from a recent encounter) because I have the nerve to take up some space in public.

The man who said this to me about two/three weeks ago decided that me sitting on a bus bench reading a book and listening to music meant I was available to be groped. I haven't told anybody about this incident (one in a long string) and I am just tired. This man crowded me into the corner of a bench and was upset that I did not move my bag out of my lap because he wanted to "check out my thighs" with his hands.

I am angry and tired because every woman I know. Yes every single woman I know either on the internet or in meatspace, has told me that these things happen to them too.

They wear fake wedding rings, they travel only established routes, they don't go to events alone. Some of them have told me in secret that the only reason they drive is because they are afraid of being alone on a bus and having to walk.

They tell me they are afraid for their daughters.

They tell me they are sad.

Women, ALL women are suffering because it is so often more important (as we are taught) to spare the feelings of a man, than it is for us to be or feel safe.

That is why #yesallwomen is important.

That is why, I have no chill about this shit anymore.

That is why, I will keep writing my snarky essays.

That is why I will at every opportunity put the smack down on any boys will be boys behavior.

That is why I am angry.

That is why I am scared.

That is why I feel solidarity with women who in any other circumstance I would avoid like the plague. I'm talking about racists. I'm talking about women who would sooner see me die in a fire than walk around talking.

That is what #notallmen drives me to.

I am exhausted.

I am not okay.

We are not okay.

Before anything can change, #allmen need to get their fucking shit together.

#allmen need to start actively and passionately making sure that no more women have to say these things.

No more.

I have hope, however thin and ragged that someday we won't have to have #yesallwomen.

I hope that #allofus can work hard to make this a thing of the past.

My hope is small and cracked but it remains.

Homo Out.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Help for our Homie B re: physical affection and stuff.

Today my darlings we have a homie who needs our advice.

B says this:

Hello, as from the "nutshell", I have no idea how to show physical affection. I'm going to be coming down from school to see my girlfriend since I'm going back to my homestate permanantly, and although she seems enthralled in how I treat her with my words, I'm not sure my actions can do the same. Plain and simple, I'm awkward. I've never kissed a girl, nor have I done the do (don't plan on it for some time though), but I have no idea how to show physical affection, at all. My motor skills are still kinda crummy from Asperger's and I don't want her to feel she has to compensate for my inability to correctly cuddle, or kiss, or anything that couples do. May I please have some advice on the subject, as well as other ways to show affection? I'm not sure on what's considered "good" or not, since I always worry if she might not like it, and I feel I can't ask because I'm expected to know?

First thing my darling friend is that there is no right way to do physical affection except to get consent.

So first things first, when you are ready ask your girl if you can give them a hug and then open your arms, wait for your bodies to get close and squeeze.

BOOM you did it.

What makes cuddling great is that there is no right way for it to be done. How you and your gf cuddle will depend on how your two awesome bodies connect.

What will make the difference for you and your partner is learning your intimate language. You are ahead of the game, your gf already loves how your words make her feel. That is like a +10 HP. You are doing awesome. You can say, GF I would like to hold your hand, let me know if I'm doing it the way you like.

While you two are in close physical proximity use your words. We'll pretend like I'm your gf and here is a starter convo you can have.

You: I would love to cuddle with you on the couch.

Me: YES let's do it.

Now this is the point where you learn each others bodies, your partner will learn how your motor skills work and you two can squirm around like fussy cats until it feels good.

And if one of you falls off the couch or accidentally hit each other,be embarrassed. The silly whoops things are in my opinion what makes relationships great. It's not serious business, you can laugh at each other because D'OH that was somebody's boob or somebody's foot fell asleep.

There is no shame in learning each other, that is how we build intimacy between us and the right way for the two of you will be your own special way and your own special intimacy.

So relax. You are going to do just fine.

Next kisses.

I know that people always think that a "good" kiss is all smooth and perfect but they really aren't.

You are probably going to bump noses, miss the mark and that is perfect that is great.

Kisses like cuddles and other physical affection doesn't happen smoothly even in the most experienced of us. Don't worry about if it's weird or maybe you miss their mouth on the first shot. This is another moment where you can know that it's okay if it's funny or silly.

The important thing I want to keep stressing to you B is that you are great. You are awesome and your GF thinks you are the bees knees. Everything else will fall into place not because you know the right way but because you are you, she is her and together you two are going to be great.

For every physical relationship there is an adjustment period. For instance.

I don't particularly like to be cuddled and held. I prefer to be rubbed and that took adjustment when my partner got together all those years ago. He had to learn how I like my butt rubbed, I learned where to rub his back or when he needs it scratched.

At first of course we talked about it, and now years later often it is just second nature.

No relationship starts off with perfect movie kisses and cuddles and junk. I just don't believe it.

Getting to know each other's bodies and movements is to me part of the joy in knowing another human.

And you my darling are yards ahead of where I feel like you think you are.

In your note I think you show that you are not only ready but you are going to be great because you are thinking about this stuff.

And let me tell you, you are not expected to know another person's body. You are smart and awesome but you are not a mind reader.

Start your relationship on a good foot by establishing some dialogue about important things like touching, your needs, her needs. That is vitally important. A lot of people don't think it is but, part of trusting your partner is talking to them about stuff that is kid of embarrassing but will serve you both in the long run.

It is not just okay, it is fantastic to say to your partner. Hey, I m new at this part so let's talk about it.

If your gf is more experienced than you, it is perfectly okay to ask her to take the lead and show you what she likes and what makes her comfortable. And you can work it out from there.

I know you are nervous and probably scared and that is okay. That is normal.

And as for her compensating here's the thing.

That is part of life regardless of how our bodies function.

For instance.

My partner Uniballer is disabled. He has some mobility issues.

When we walk together I slow down and often we take easier routes. I check n on him.

Not because I feel like I need to compensate for his inabilities but because I care about him and he is my partner. That is what you do for people you care about. Frankly, if that becomes an issue with your GF that is her issue not yours.

From the way you worded your note, I'm going to guess someone has given you the impression that your needs are somehow out of line.

They are not.

When somebody loves you, they need to love all the things that make you who you are including your motor skills. That is what we do when we are in relationships.

I will use myself and Uniballer as an example again.

Sometimes I have problems with my balance and I have really bad vision. There are times when he has had to hold me up, or take my arm to help keep me from falling. Sometimes (okay a lot) I twitch or flail and drop things. I've broken every single glass I've ever owned, we have two bowls because I've broken the rest and he has had to give up and be mindful of not buying anything in glass jars because I will probably break it.

 Now I have had partners who had no patience to deal with these things or behaved like they were going above and beyond in dealing with them.

Notice I am not with them anymore.

To be with me, one must accept that my body does not always function in what society would call a normal way.

To deny or ignore that is to deny and ignore the totality of what makes a Shannon a Shannon.

That means you too.

You are not incorrect or about to do anything badly. You are perfect B. You are so great, someone wants you in their life with your motor skills and inexperience and all.

So now I want you to take a deep breath.

Let it out.

Listen to me.


B you are ready to be a loving and awesome partner.

B you are ready to learn how to do physical affection with your partner.

For some other quick tips.

As you get to know each other physically, remember it is okay to ask. It is great to talk about your needs and those of your partner.

Laugh, cause thi isn't serious business. You can laugh with and at each other because well sometimes stuff is just funny and laughter is a pretty great tension breaker.

You are not doing it wrong. You just haven't yet figured out what works for you and your gf and that is totally okay. That is how humans work.

You are with your impaired motor skills just fine. You are worth geting to know how to work physical affection with.

Understand this B.

When a person cares for you, it is natural to adjust. That is life. That is how any relationship works when it is working well.

We see our partner or friend or kidlet has a need, we work with it.

That is not just good it is great and a good foundation to build a great relationship on.

We understand each other's needs and we talk about them even if they are weird or we may feel like we're asking for too much.

You are not too much you are just right.

I know I'm repeating myself but it is vitally important that I feel like I've let you know B that it's not necessarily the mechanical how of physical intimacy (from holding hands to doing the thing) are done but how we approach them in terms of consent and open communication about what we need.

Let's look at it in the long term for a moment.

Let me tell you another Uniballer/Shannon story.

A few years ago I got a terrible intestinal virus or something.

I got up to to go work, almost fainted and had to crawl to Uniballer to wake him up because I was panicking because I felt so strange.

Then not only was I barfing but I pooped a little on the bathroom floor.

I managed to call into work an then I laid in the hall outside the bathroom crying and when Uniballer checked on me I looked up t him, in tears and said.


And burst into tears anew.

He wiped up the poo, made sure I had called into work. Helped me wipe my butt and put me back to bed.

I was terribly embarassed once I sort of came to my senses.

He laughed and gave me water.

I tell y'all this to illustrate the point that, part of partnering with other people means sometimes you have to accept their poop.

Both literally and metaphorically.

So remember B.

This is a part of a greater thing. Not only will you two have some time to get to know each other's bodies but you will learn how to communicate your needs with each other and you get to cuddle and stuff.

NOW we do something great. I turn it over to the smartest people on the internet.

I know somebody out there also has Asperger's so if you do too, please feel free to chime in with your advice.

Everybody else, come on. Help our homie B out and B, my friend please feel free to report back.

Bring your GF too if you like. I am super ready to crowd source support for you two.

How is everybody else doing?

I am so close to finishing V2.0 of the self care guide. So close y'all.

Unfortunately I will have to charge 6$ rather than 5. It is just so much work.

Also I am working on possibly (if I sell well enough) doing some special print edition packages.

And I am working on designing some merch.

Some other stuff has been hard but I am working it out.

If you'd like some news on my other writing I was interviewed which you can see here. And as always you can check out my etsy store for cheap literary entertainment.

Now my homies I need some tea and to get back to work.

Homo Out.


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Come on Anons. Get it together.

One of the responses is this to my last entry, read that here.

I fully agree with this blog and the important message it sends. That being said, educating the general public/creating awareness that decreases discrimination against fat people might go a little better without the intense judgmental attitude (don't lie, you all got lot's of pleasure out of this person being torn into about their negative views) this is understandable since ppl who shame fat ppl really suck. But, how many of the ppl you are truly trying to reach with respond to this blog positively and change their views? I believe you are fact just "preaching to the choir" on this one....


First of all Anon let me tell you a thing.

No I was not nice.

And yes I will in fact judge the hell out of anyone who thinks it is okay to shame, abuse or otherwise mistreat a "friend" simply because of the size of their ass.

I am not friendly with abusers on any level.

It is not okay and it does in fact merit strong language and yes serious judgement because it is not okay behavior. It is so beyond not okay.

Also I am going to assume you are new so let me break it down.

I do not play at tone policing nor do I play at respectability politics.

If you tell me that if only I am a nice fat ass (or a nice Black lady) people would listen, I will tell you in return that 37 years of experience tells me otherwise.

Since you are probably new let me direct you here.

I have been doing this for a long time and if you can't be bothered to read the entries I've linked let me give you the short version.

I spent years, especially at the start of my various activism when I was about 14, being super nice. I was polite. I was quiet. I asked people not to be anti Black around me, or homophobic, or sizeist very nicely.

When I first started blogging and talking online about social justice flavored things I was super nice. I used my skills to be open and understanding, I took the high road.

Guess where it got me?

Nowhere and nothing.

Matter of fact, at one point I was ready to give up doing anything social justice flavored because when I expended so much energy to be nice to abusers, I got death threats. I gt rape threats.

Now anon, here is the thing.

By telling me if I was just a nice fatty, more people would change their mind you are discounting the work I do, you are basically telling me to grin and bear it.

If I was talking about say street harassment would you tell me to smile because the man calling me a fat bitch and trying to get me into the car is just trying to be friends?

I would hope not.

Moving along.

Frankly your assumption that my no bullshit (frankly I was not really mean I was not putting up with bullshit and am assertive about it, totally different thing) attitude actually has garnered quite a bit.

I have gotten notes, messages, comments telling me that yes I have changed minds while not kissing abuser ass.

If you'd like to know, the entry you commented on (as with other of my no nonsense I am not taking shit type entries) are generally the most widely read.

I have a core readership of about 300 or so. Not a huge amount but more than I had when I made the extra effort to be real gentle about my responses to such things.

On the days when I'm extra assertive about my personal boundaries or other tom foolery, my "new" as in not the choir readership tends to reach up to about 3-4K.

And normally after a swell like that, a few hundred keep coming back.

Here's the thing anon.

Being critical and blunt about an issue does not negate what I have to say.

Educating is not analogous to holding the hands of people who are adults and telling them, oh come on shmoopy just be nice.

It isn't about just being nice.

It is about not taking part in an abusive culture.

It is about not being an abusive douchebag to someone one claims to care for and who is already on society's shitlist.

And I will let you in on a secret as well.

I have been that fat friend.

I had "friends" who tried to "fool" me into eating in a manner they thought was healthy.

I had "friends" who would purposefully shame me by giving me too small clothes or telling me if I just lost those last ten pounds I'd be SOOOOOOOOOO PRETTY.

You know how not okay that is?

When I was a child, I grinned and bore it. I kept the too small clothes. I exercised more. I wore baggy clothing so my thin friends wouldn't be subjected to my fat ass.

When I got up the courage to tell my "friends" that they were hurting me guess what happened?

They said that if I tried harder I could lose weight.

I cried to them.

I begged.

Eventually I just hid away because I was being emotionally abused and had nowhere to turn. I am old as fuck and back then I had no FA. I had no other teenage fatty's to turn to for advice.

Nobody stuck up for me and my body.

Nobody put their foot down and said NO MORE.

No one.

Do you know what it would have been like for me had anyone, someone put their foot down and was assertive about how not okay my "friends" behavior was?

And let me assure you.

I get no pleasure out of having to tell a grown ass person not to abuse someone they supposedly care about.

I get no pleasure having to tell people over and over again that their apparent concern is not what they are putting forth.

I get no pleasure knowing that out there somewhere there is some fat person who has that asshole constantly grilling them about their food intake, their exercise and doing fuck all to really be of help or support.

I get no pleasure out of knowing that if you polled my hardcore readers (Beatfreak and the like who have been here with me for years) they would probably say they were once that fat friend too and it is awful.

I get no pleasure knowing that this fat person out there probably has no support system in place so if they would like to work on their health or fitness, they have people around them who won't "support" them into disordered habits.

I get no pleasure knowing that the "care" the person who sent me the original note consists of abusive and manipulative behavior and the fact that they fully believe it is okay to do that because their friend is fat.

What is wrong with you Anon?

Do you think it feels good to me to know, and I mean know intimately what that experience is like and only having the recourse of trying like hell to stop it from afar?

Do you think it feels good to me that I can't reach out to that fat person, hug them and tell them that no, not everyone is going to treat them that way and that they don't deserve to be treated that way?

I sat on that note for a month.

I spent days thinking about that fat person and wanting to really help them. I wanted to show them beautiful fat sized clothes and photos of beautiful happy fat people and tell them, hey you can get there.

But what's important here is the abusers feelings right?

Since you don't know me Anon let me tell you a thing.

The reason I am assertive, the reason I am passionate and angry is because I care very very deeply for my fellow human beings.

It is hugely important to me that for (at this point a lot of people and yes I am bragging) some people, my anger helps them see some shit clearly.

It is immensely gratifying to me when someone sends me an anonymous note telling me they bookmarked a particular entry ad read it when they are sad.

It fuels me when someone tells me that they needed to hear something, yes even if it is in your words judgemental, because it is important.

Now before you suggest to anyone else ever that if only they were nicer, I suggest googling respectability politics and tone policing and why it is not okay and not effective.

Also frankly I am not for everyone and that is fine.

I don't need internet fame so bad that I would make my work palatable to everyone. That is just not my jam.

If my style or attitude is too raw for your taste there are eleventy billion other blogs to read. There are a ton of other fat blogs to read.

I am dead serious about these things and if you can't dig it, that's okay.

Now, in other news Beatfreak I am thinking about you for reasons.

Also I am dedicating one of the chapters in V2.0 to you Beatfreak. For reasons.

How is everyone?

Has spring happened where you are?

OH I have an update from our Wheelie Homie from this  entry.

I have a whole entry planned for that because we need to talk about making it work when we can't afford brand new clothes and I want to do some stuff for my Fat Dudes and Other masculine style homies.

Okay I'm off.

Homo Out.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

No. Just Stop.

Someone sent me a note asking me how to "help" a fat person without shaming them.


Okay anonymous person I'm going in on you today so put your hard hat on.

First problem.

Did that person ask for your help? Did they ask you to help them move? Pay for a gym membership? Tell them your Thin and Perfectly fit all the time with the most miraculous diet lifestyle secrets?

I'm guessing no.


In your note you mention that you've read my blog for "a long time" and "are a big fan" if you were you would have seen me talk about this sort of thing time and again.

If the person you're talking about is just fat, what are you helping them with? Are you helping them eat well? Are you telling their doctors to treat them fairly? Are you walking around defending them from street harassment? Are you telling retailers you shop at where your fine tiny ass is covered well, to provide clothing for your fat friend?

Or do you just not want them to be fat anymore?

I am not posting the note you sent me here because I feel like it is insulting, condescending and would probably trigger the shit out of people.

Let me tell you why anonymous.

Your language was dripping with the same kind of pseudo-encouragement fat people get everywhere. You come off like you think you are so nice talking about how pretty your friend is while you are saying they cannot really be happy or pretty because they are as you put it "still fat".

The implication is the same as when people say to fat people:

You'd be so pretty if you lost weight.
You should try black, it's slimming.
WOW you are so brave for wearing that.

Look, you are being an asshole.

You though you profess how much you care about your fat friend, you didn't once mention that you are concerned for their entire health. You made the assumption that your friend is depressed because they are fat, that they are unwell because they are fat. You gave not one impression or seeming though to the fact that they might have other health problems. You did not mention that maybe you are contributing to their malaise with your "encouragement".

So how about fuck you and your concern.

What you are doing is deciding that the "health" of this person is only wrapped up in the size of their ass and if their ass was smaller BOOM they would magically be healthy.

What you are doing is deciding that since your friend is visually unappealing to you, the only answer is that they change their body.

You have shunted the responsibility to make you comfortable onto that person's body.

Rather than being honest and forthright as you claim you are, you are doing the same sneaky abusive bullshit the rest of society does. Instead of outright letting your fat hate flag fly.

You do not "trick" a grown ass person into exercising by luring them outside to go for some bullshit walk with you.

If you wanted to really be helpful to your "friend" here is what you'd do instead.

You'd say, hey friend it is really beautiful out today would you like to go for a walk with me?

If you cared about their health you would never try to fool them into your idea of healthful eatng.

You would not give them clothing that is too small as a "motivation" to lose weight.

You are just like everyone else.

Your concern is a lie.

If you want to really help your fat friend send them links to fat acceptance blogs. Don't try to guilt, "motivate' or otherwise fuck with them about exercise or food ever.

If you want nothing more in the world than for your fried to be healthy and happy, scheming to treat them in an abusive manner would not occur to you.

You would advocate for fat people to get good treatment by medical professionals.

You would speak up when people shame fat people.

You would not behave as you are.

So stop it immediately or come out and tell your friend that you really just want them to have a smaller ass. And after that, you would in fact leave them alone.

Furthermore, I'm going to guess your friend isn't as vocal as I am so let me speak for them for a moment.

Fuck you, fuck your faux concern and how about you shove your opinions about their ass right up your own.

Also a note for future anonymous people.

I am not obligated to be nice to you. I will read you to filth if you contact me with bullshit like this again.

So for the rest of my homies.

My contact things are really fucking full and there was a message about books I cannot find now. You know who you are could you send me your email address again please?

Okay my darlings I am off back to work on the self care V2.0 book.

I am on chapter 8 and on schedule to release it at the end of the month or the start of next month.

Homo Out.


Tuesday, April 08, 2014

The Truth Will Out.

There is a person out there who, for the last few months has taken time to message me constantly across lots of social media imploring me to "come clean" about how my unintentional weight loss has miraculously changed my life.


So let me come clean and tell everyone about the miracles losing some pants sizes has created in my life.


My ass no longer fills out the ass parts of my pants. We all know that I long for a bigger rounder booty. At a size 16/18 I had a little bit of booty. When I walked I could feel it do that bounce jiggle thing and it made me very happy.


My stomach looks weird to me. So do a few other parts of my body where my skin has not quite bounced back yet. People who have lost way more weight than I did can probably attest to that moment when you're just like, okay well fuck me running I have these hangy bits of empty skin and wtf do I do with them?

One of the things few people talk about when it comes to major weight loss is that your body will do some really strange things. If you can't afford something like a full body lift at some point you're just left with all this skin to deal with and nothing to do with it. It can be really traumatic.

Personally, I'd rather just be fat and fill my skin.


Here is a big one are y'all ready?


I know that the lovingly held notion is that if you work hard, and eat less and everything, lose weight and stuff that you are bam HEALTHY.

The going anti wisdom is that when one loses any amount of weight, that everything will become great and golden. You will be physically healthy, you won't be a fat miserable asshole and you'll get to go to Paris or spin in meadows or whatever the diet commercials tell us.

When we lose any amount of weight for any reason, the expectation is joy. It is expected that yes even if we have cancer or got in a car wreck or just had a baby or changed something in our lives, or shit just happened- we are supposed to have the Glorious World of Thinness open up to us.

Here is the problem.

As many fat and formerly fat people will tell you, health isn't magic. It isn't only about your weight. Nor is it an either or binary thing.

Health is a multi-faceted very complicated very personal thing. How fat your ass is, won't necessarily make or break your entire health.

The other thing is that frankly, for a lot of people who lose a lot of weight it is just traumatic.

I'm talking about everything from feeling like your body isn't the body you know and having conflicting feelings about the praise you get vs how you really feel.

There is so much pressure to have the fat to thin redemption story, especially for women in general that there is little room for people to explore and talk about the reailties of weight loss.

People believe that all of a sudden, especially if you were deathfat and have become thin that you will be happy and able to navigate things like thin privilege without any backlash or potentially crappy feelings.

There is little room for people to process the real deal situation of finding yourself perambulating around the universe in essentially a body you have no idea how to operate in.

My point here, person who thinks I am hiding the truth about how I really feel about my weightloss and the miracle it has brought to my life, is that frankly shit is fucking hard.

For me personally not having my ass the size it was has been stressful. I have had to relearn how to buy clothes. My favorite pairs of make my ass look fantastic pants don't fit.

I am dealing with feeling and sometimes being told that I can't be a fat blogger anymore because I'm not all that fat. That shit hurts.

I am dealing with people like you who rather than listening to what I am really saying, only want me to reinforce the narrative that makes you feel comfortable.

I am dealing with the failure of medical professionals to care for me beyond telling me to be careful not to regain weight and to keep going.

I am dealing with relearning how to use my degree of thin privilege in a manner that is not destructive to fat acceptance, fat people and my personal sense of ethics.

I am dealing with the fact that people like you and some others who have contacted me, cannot understand or comprehend that beyond the size of my personal ass, I have not changed my mind about fatness.

I still do not believe that anyone in a certain BMI range regardless of anything else should be medicalized.

I do not believe that the only treatment for anything if you are fat, is to lose weight.

I do not believe that it is right or smart for clothing retailers to make it so difficult for fat people to clothe themselves.

I do not believe that body size is a moral issue.

I do not believe that my personal health or yours is the business of any other person.

I do not believe that only thin people can be or are fit or healthy.

I do not believe that a person has to be healthy in order to be respected as a human being.

I do not believe that the way to "treat/deal with obesity" is to bully, harass, legislate or otherwise involve myself or the government in people's lives.

I do not believe that it is in the best interest of humanity to abuse fat people because they are fat.

I do not believe that it should be tolerated that size based discrimination is thought to be part of the "solution".

I do not believe that shaming children into not being fat teens or adults is okay.

Here is what I do believe.

Weight loss is personal. For me personally, in my little slice of the universe it has been more problems than it is worth.

I would have preferred to stay the size I was.

For you? I dunno, maybe it is great and that is awesome.

I will not say unequivocally that no one should lose weight ever.

I will say that we need to stop forcing the Magical Weight loss Miracle narrative onto every experience.

The thing is, human experiences are diverse. That is how it is supposed to be. Different does not equal wrong or false it is just different.

Changing your body in any way means there is going to be a learning curve.

Some people will have a great and easy time and wind up as the gleeful after picture from a diet ad.

A lot of people will not.

I believe that in order for us to really start doing some damage to the diet/weight loss as moral redemption narrative we are all constantly subjected to, we need to listen to what people have to say about it even if it goes again our personal body politics.

If we don't listen to the real experiences of people who have done the thing, how can we ever combat the bullshit?

With that my homies and haters I don't want to talk further about the fluctuating size of my ass. It stresses me out and thinking about it upsets me.

In other news, I am hard at work on the new and improved self care book. It is V2.0 and we are GOING IN. It is for you. It is for me. It is for your Mom and everyone else.

Here is a tidbit:

Taking care of our bodies in this manner is not a moral attribute. It is simply because we deserve to survive and not be full of total misery.

And as I will say over and over again, regardless of how we are living in our bodies right this instant, we deserve to have them run as well as we can help them to.

Full. Stop.

To get a bigger taste if you have 2$ you can head over to my etsy shop and pick up my new essay on why I don't self identify as a feminist.

If that is not your jam there are some stories in there as well.

So now go forth my homies. I have work to do.

Homo Out.


Sunday, March 30, 2014

Small fatties, Acceptable Fatties and more.

On small fats, former fatties and things.

Regardless of where and when, there is always a point where the tide of NO MORE SMALLER/ACCEPTABLE FATS starts happening.

It happened at Fatshionista and the Inbetweenies community was semi born.

I've seen it on tumblr in the last I dunno two weeks.

Some folks have asked me about it.

So some of you will not like what I have to say and that is okay.

For me personally my actual body has been varying sizes.

I have been super underweight thin.

I have been supposedly "healthy".

I have been chunky. (Me right now I suppose)

I have been about the US average.

I have been kinda fatter than the US average.

And at my higher weight I was what is now considered "small fat" (around a size 18-20).

As I have said before, fatness is not a purely physical state. Fatness is cultural, fatness is contextual. It is not one thing or another, it is many things that intersect to create an experience living in a body.

See here.

So here is the problem with some of what I've seen lately.

Being that I come from the perspective of someone who has been up and down the spectrum of fatness, and treated as a former fatty, as an almost not fatty anymore there is some degree of misinterpreatation of what people who look to be smaller fats can/should contribute.

So let's start with the inbetweenie thing.

Just as when it was coined, right now I really hate that term.

I am not inbetween shit.

I am not a before and after.

I am in fact, regardless of what your feelings might say about my current ass size, a fat person.

Regardless of how you look at and process the size of my body I am still treated as a fat person.

I am still trolled. I am still treated like a shit filled bucket of obesity by healthcare professionals. I still have some issues finding clothing to a degree.

Now again, we have to understand that these experiences of mine, yes even with some small degree of thin privilege are still the experiences of a fat person.

My perspective is that of someone who in terms of the microcosm of the culture immediately around me is treated as a fat person. If we are to believe what some people on the street have said to me, I am on the very brink of dropping dead from THE OBESITY.

My perspective and lived experience is different than that of someone who is significantly fatter than I am.

Some of our experiences may parallel, they may intersect but they will be different because no two fat people live the precise same experience and that is okay.

It is more than okay it is great.

What a lot of people do is look at a picture and decide that the person they are looking at isn't that fat. Then there's the question of why does this person think they are fat, they aren't fat this is my space.

Personally I feel like that is unwise.

When you just see someone, an outfit picture or whatever or the size clothing they wear, that does not speak the totality of their experience.

Given the rising numbers of people who are entirely done with fat shaming, there are going to be more people who ID as fat even yes, if they are small fats because likely they have experienced life as a fat person.

That matters.

It also matters that the size on a label doesn't totally tell you what is going on.

I'll use myself as an example.

When I was about a size 20, I had clothing from a regular big box store that was labeled a size M. On one hand this is a demonstration of a degree of thin privilege. On the other it shows you that clothing sizes are ridiculous.

What it did not tell anyone was how I was treated by people and society at large.

That is the distinction I'm talking about here.

I don't think that excluding smaller fat people from general fat spaces is great.

That said, not every space is for every one.

If there are DeathFat people talking about where to buy pants, unless I have something substantive to say (as in, hey DeathFatties X store has these pants up to a size 30) I don't need to interject in the conversation nor do I need to feel left out.

If the conversation is about fatness in general, that is the space to speak up.

What bothers me the most is the idea that if someone does not look appropriately fat, that they have nothing of substance to say. I feel like that glosses over the intersections of fat life.

It bothers me when people use the phrase Acceptable Fats to only mean smaller fats when in fact the acceptably fat especially in fat circles tend to be very attractive White women of any size. Especially if they have an hourglass shape or rock a pin up style or other very identifiable style.

That is just short sighted to me.

If you are uncomfortable posting an ootd because people who appear to be not fat enough to be really fat in your eyes, that is something you need to work out for yourself.

I believe that is a big turning point in FA and on a personal level a big step beyond You Go Girl type body politics.

That is the point to start really digging into the vast array of fat experiences and understanding that an experience or life different than your own is okay. It is vitally important to the politics of fat acceptance to understand that while Fat Acceptance Voices need to be first and foremost fat people, that those fat people are not all going to be X amount of pounds.

This is the point where a person needs to decide if they want to take their Fat Acceptance further than YES I'M BEAUTIFUL TOO.

Let's get it straight that there is nothing wrong necessarily with YES I AM PRETTY or YOU GO GIRL level body politics. That is a necessary part and something that does need to be represented.

For me, this is just not what sustains me.

I need more beyond looking good.

For me personally my adventures in Fat Acceptance have been less about LOOK I AM PRETTY TOO, to no you cannot treat me this way simply because I am fat.

Another issue I want to address is weight loss.

There are people in FA and readers I have heard from who disapprove of my weight loss.

I don't care.

Here's the thing, bodies change. Sometimes it is on purpose, sometimes as with me shit just happened.

That has not changed my views on Fat Acceptance. It has not altered the validity of a word I say here.

If you cannot look past the size of my ass, I think that is something you need to look at for yourself. Being that my tune has not really changed, did you only take me seriously because our asses were similar?

If so, my brand of FA is just not for you.

Whether someone is fat right now, really fucking fat, super fat, not that fat or whatever it is to a degree all the same to me.

Regardless of the how of fatness in your life, whether it is fatness based on the culture you live in, the culture of your family/friends, because you are really just super fat or whatever you need FA too.

You are welcome too.

Let me say that again.

You are welcome.

This is important stuff for you to know.

Even those of you who aren't fat at all and never have been fat in any context, it is important for you too because it can change how you treat people and how you interact with the world and that is important.

So there it is.

Homo Out.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Not so much fail and other stuff.

I had an ENTIRE other post all done and blogger ate it....

So I'm posting this via email to see if I can use that until I migrate everything off of Blogger.

My other choice would be to just start over at blogger but I don't know if I want to pay for yet another domain name.

Okay  moving it along.

So after talking to some people I found out a.) I'm not alone in my Intuitive Eating Frustration nd b.)I could have an actual medical problem.

I also realized that most of my feelings that day were due in part to my super fun n awesome 3 week menstrual cycle.

In thinking more about it I can see where my own inability to quite let go of the idea that it doesn't make me "good" to do these things well. It just helps my body not be freaking out.

I had one of those moments where I was like, okay well shit.

I already know that most of my body is very reactive to my emotional state. And normally if it is a bigger emotion (yes even happy) my appetite is fucked.

Now rather than my thought process immediately going to, okay jerk time to eat. My thoughts turn more towards, good/bad fatass dichotomy.

It was so buried under a lot of other shit I couldn't figure it out.

What amazes me more is just how pervasive that is. Instead of just taking care of myself, I get upset with myself.

How many of us do that?

It just makes me chucklea little bit. Shit this stuff is so damn hard.

As some of you kniw I'm busy rewriting my self care book and it occurs to me again that I not only am writing it for me because Gods know I need it. I'm writing it for you too. We all need it.

So I'm feeling less like a total failure and more like a regular human who does wrong shit sometimes and I am ready.

Even as I write this, I just realized I haven't eaten real food in a long time. I will do that in a minute.

So to wrap this up, here is the new intro to the self care book. Keep your eye out.

And per usual you can head here to buy some little stories or an essay from me on etsy.

Why are we here?

Good question.

Here's the real poop. I wanted to do better. I put out v.1 of the self care book in a hurry. It came from a good place, I just wanted the message out there immediately and it as flawed.

I had so much more to say, more to do and so here we are my homies.

So let's go over some stuff before we get into the hard part.

First up, who is this for?

This guide is for the rest of us. It's for those of us who wouldn't line our litterboxes with what we shall call LadyMags (you know, those magazines that tell you things like, YOU GO GIRL but your thighs are awful and your vag stinks) and may not have vaginas or be the "woman" those magazines target.

It is for those of us for whom platitudes and advice to think positive make us want to hurl.

It is for us poor people.

It is for fat people.

It is for thin people.

If you: have eating disorders, mental illness, are non neurotypical, non gender conforming, for the confused, for parents, for people of color, for queer people, for straight people.

This is for us.

All. Of. Us.

Okay homo out.

Subscribe To My Podcast