For the last few months I have been trying really hard to feed myself well.
For me that is mostly made up of making sure I eat enough day to day.
That being what it is I have been trying very hard to utilize intuitive eating.
The result is, I am really bad at it and it makes me feel awful.
I often feel like as I close in on (the 16th is the day) 37 that I should have this shit figured out. It honestly deeply upsets me that I have such a hard time keeping myself fed properly.
When I say properly mostly I just don't want my blood sugar plummeting to the point where I feel like I might faint or start crying or when it gets to the point where when I do go to eat, I vomit.
One of the most frustrating things about this is that I've had this problem since I was a teenager. When I was a teenager I was told to diet and exercise.
When I was thin (too thin for my taste) the problem was exacerbated by the amount of exercising I was doing and that I was trying to be a vegan.
My body did not approve.
When I was fatter than I am now, same problem.
Again I was told to eat less and move more. One doctor also decided I was absolutely diabetic despite nothing in my medical records or testing indicating this and made me (at the time I was not comfortable saying no to a doctor) do the fasting test twice because originally she accused me of lying and fasting for longer to make my test results good.
Not once have I tested even being pre diabetic except when I had two raging ear infections. And when you have infections your blood sugar levels are off and upon retest my sugar was again low normal.
I find as I get older my physical tolerance for having low blood sugar gets to be less and less. I get upset, I want to cry, I feel dizzy.
As I try to maintain my weight and prevent the blood sugar crashed I'm getting frustrated and mad at myself because I feel like I fail at intuitive eating.
The things I want to eat are either things that won't particularly sustain me.
For instance today I had some Emergen C this morning. (ThANK YOU AGAIN FOR THOSE) and some toast. That is huge for me being that I hate eating when I first wake up.
I walked to the transit center, walked to my bus downtown then walked to work.
I had some coffee and a cookie.
After a while I ate a package of Susie Chun (they are tasty) nori.
Now a bit later, I felt shaky but I wasn't particularly hungry.
This is where I get frustrated.
I feel like I ate enough in terms of satiety but my body was sending distress signals so I ate some cheese and crackers.
I have more food but I know that it is going to be hard for me to eat it because I'm already fairly full.
I am so frustrated.
I am frustrated because the medical advice I get is really counter intuitive.
If I'm already not quite eating enough, why would it be okay for me to eat less?
Oh wait because weight loss cures everything right?
I feel like a living example if what a lie that is.
Weightloss did not cure the joint problems I have had going on 20 years.
Weightloss did not cure my blood sugar issues.
Weightloss did not cure my insomnia.
Weightloss did not cure my anxiety.
You know what weight loss has done for me every time it has happened?
I had to buy smaller pants.
Because of the medical industry's hate of fatness, I feel that it has failed to preserve or enhance my health.
I have been stripped of my trust of doctors entirely.
I feel that because regardless of how much I have weighed at any one time, I have not been cared for because I was either fat at the time or had been fat previously.
I don't trust doctors to treat me with basic respect.
I don't trust doctors not to simply decide that whatever is wrong with me it is because of my weight whether the issue is correlated to fatness or not.
I don't trust doctors to listen to what I have to say.
I don't trust them.
That trust has been broken.
Put it this way.
If everytime you see a particular person, they kick you in the shin at some point you are not going to trust them not to kick you in the shin when you see them.
That is self preservation. That is our nature. We don't want to be abused.
I don't want to be abused.
Now don't get me wrong. I don't want or expect miracles. I understand how medicine works, Here is what I want.
I want to be treated with basic respect and dignity.
I want to get medical advice based on the actual facts of my health.
I want to walk away from an appointment feeling empowered and like my health, my entire health not just the size of my ass matters.
I don' think that is too much to ask.
And yes, I realize doctors are humans and have their personal biases.
I don't expect them not to have any of those.
I do expect them to be able to put them aside enough to treat all patients equally. To treat everyone from the most perfect specimen of human health to the riddled with illness people the same.
So at this point I am left with intuitive eating and working shit out on my on.
It is so damn hard.
Sometimes I get very down on myself for being so bad at the basics of keeping my blood sugar normal. I get down because part of me still wants to believe that a doctor would never give me bad advice because they are freaking doctors.
So for now, I do what I can.
I enjoy my exercise.
I try to enjoy my food.
I try to manage my problems.
And I hope that some day the medical industry takes a hard look at itself, and finds itself as lacking a I do.