Thursday, April 10, 2014

No. Just Stop.

Someone sent me a note asking me how to "help" a fat person without shaming them.


Okay anonymous person I'm going in on you today so put your hard hat on.

First problem.

Did that person ask for your help? Did they ask you to help them move? Pay for a gym membership? Tell them your Thin and Perfectly fit all the time with the most miraculous diet lifestyle secrets?

I'm guessing no.


In your note you mention that you've read my blog for "a long time" and "are a big fan" if you were you would have seen me talk about this sort of thing time and again.

If the person you're talking about is just fat, what are you helping them with? Are you helping them eat well? Are you telling their doctors to treat them fairly? Are you walking around defending them from street harassment? Are you telling retailers you shop at where your fine tiny ass is covered well, to provide clothing for your fat friend?

Or do you just not want them to be fat anymore?

I am not posting the note you sent me here because I feel like it is insulting, condescending and would probably trigger the shit out of people.

Let me tell you why anonymous.

Your language was dripping with the same kind of pseudo-encouragement fat people get everywhere. You come off like you think you are so nice talking about how pretty your friend is while you are saying they cannot really be happy or pretty because they are as you put it "still fat".

The implication is the same as when people say to fat people:

You'd be so pretty if you lost weight.
You should try black, it's slimming.
WOW you are so brave for wearing that.

Look, you are being an asshole.

You though you profess how much you care about your fat friend, you didn't once mention that you are concerned for their entire health. You made the assumption that your friend is depressed because they are fat, that they are unwell because they are fat. You gave not one impression or seeming though to the fact that they might have other health problems. You did not mention that maybe you are contributing to their malaise with your "encouragement".

So how about fuck you and your concern.

What you are doing is deciding that the "health" of this person is only wrapped up in the size of their ass and if their ass was smaller BOOM they would magically be healthy.

What you are doing is deciding that since your friend is visually unappealing to you, the only answer is that they change their body.

You have shunted the responsibility to make you comfortable onto that person's body.

Rather than being honest and forthright as you claim you are, you are doing the same sneaky abusive bullshit the rest of society does. Instead of outright letting your fat hate flag fly.

You do not "trick" a grown ass person into exercising by luring them outside to go for some bullshit walk with you.

If you wanted to really be helpful to your "friend" here is what you'd do instead.

You'd say, hey friend it is really beautiful out today would you like to go for a walk with me?

If you cared about their health you would never try to fool them into your idea of healthful eatng.

You would not give them clothing that is too small as a "motivation" to lose weight.

You are just like everyone else.

Your concern is a lie.

If you want to really help your fat friend send them links to fat acceptance blogs. Don't try to guilt, "motivate' or otherwise fuck with them about exercise or food ever.

If you want nothing more in the world than for your fried to be healthy and happy, scheming to treat them in an abusive manner would not occur to you.

You would advocate for fat people to get good treatment by medical professionals.

You would speak up when people shame fat people.

You would not behave as you are.

So stop it immediately or come out and tell your friend that you really just want them to have a smaller ass. And after that, you would in fact leave them alone.

Furthermore, I'm going to guess your friend isn't as vocal as I am so let me speak for them for a moment.

Fuck you, fuck your faux concern and how about you shove your opinions about their ass right up your own.

Also a note for future anonymous people.

I am not obligated to be nice to you. I will read you to filth if you contact me with bullshit like this again.

So for the rest of my homies.

My contact things are really fucking full and there was a message about books I cannot find now. You know who you are could you send me your email address again please?

Okay my darlings I am off back to work on the self care V2.0 book.

I am on chapter 8 and on schedule to release it at the end of the month or the start of next month.

Homo Out.



beatfreak said...


I bet the fat friend would be better off without anon in their life. Things magically get better once you realize who really likes you for you.

Duckie said...


Anonymous said...

True enough. There are things people who don't struggle with their weight understand - helpful to a friend who feels pudgy after a big meal is not going to be the same as helpful to someone in a situation

Anonymous said...

I have never met you and this is my first visit to your blog but I FREAKIN' LOVE YOU PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING. <3 <3 <3
*saving the link to this blog to send to assholes the world over, whenever the situation merits*

Other Becky said...

I also get really fucking tired of people assuming causation where there is none (depressed because fat) or where it actually GOES THE OTHER WAY.

I'm fat, for a whole bunch of reasons. One of those reasons is the antidepressants I take, which tend to cause weight gain. Another of them is that I have back problems, which started when I was a size 8. Weirdly enough, it turns out that if it's difficult to move around without severe pain, I tend to put on weight.

So, I have depression and a disability, and I'm fat. The fat did not cause the depression or the disability, but rather is partially caused BY them. The anons of this world can fuck right off with their condescending "help."

The Real Cie said...

Here's how you "help" your fat friend.
You help them by butting the fuck out, treating them like an adult, and letting them live their life.
You do not "help" anybody by being a concern troll, ever.
I used to have a "friend" like this. I "helped" them to the door, and "helped" them by advising them not to let it hit them in the ass on the way out.

Anonymous said...

I fully agree with this blog and the important message it sends. That being said, educating the general public/creating awareness that decreases discrimination against fat people might go a little better without the intense judgmental attitude (don't lie, you all got lot's of pleasure out of this person being torn into about their negative views) this is understandable since ppl who shame fat ppl really suck. But, how many of the ppl you are truly trying to reach with respond to this blog positively and change their views? I believe you are fact just "preaching to the choir" on this one....

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