Thursday, June 05, 2014

About my freaking body.

Okay so as we know I lost some weight in the last couple of years and while my weight is stable right now (Thank you Gods of Chaos) I'm still not totally used to the changes nor am I happy with them.

An issue I'm kind of struggling with is that I have some crepey skin.

So it's not a lot but sometimes when I see myself naked in the mirror or I lay in a certain position or whatever I see it and kind of feel weird.

Being that I have a degree of thin privilege I'm doing pretty well in terms of finding clothing I like to wear except that my measurements are a little extreme right now so my aim when it comes to stuff fitting is a bit off.

But y'all....

I figured out I would rather be rounder and fatter with my skin full up than to feel like it is loose in places. This realization has kind of fucked me up.

Like I tried to explain to someone recently.

I felt more bodily self esteem when I was closer to an 18-20. For my height and proportions I felt pretty much perfect.

I had a little bit of booty meats, I could fill out a pair of pants the way I like and now I just...well shit.

Even though this weight change wasn't voluntary or on purpose I am trying to deal with it and stay somewhat positive but sometimes I'm just ugh.

WHERE the fuck did my ass go?

We all know I'm booty obsessed. I love booty. I love a big fat ass.

I had a little bit of a fat ass and now I don't and I'm mad.

I want my ass back.

I have to confess y'all.

I look at fatshion pics and stuff and I am tingly with a particular kind of jealousy. I want my ass back. I want to be solidly back in plus size clothes.

Do you know how sad I was that I had saved up money for a dress from Domino Dollhouse, crazy ass price to be damned and when I finally had saved up I can't fit into it anymore? LIke...fuck.

I honestly am struggling with it. Trying to shut out the narrative that I am supposed to be super happy about my smaller ass is way more stressful than I realized.

I have a handle on dealing with what bit of thin privilege I have. I'm totally comfortable owning it and if y'all like we can talk about it.

I have made peace with the fact that bodies change and sometimes it sucks but we can deal.

What I cannot abide right now is getting used to how my body looks.

This is not my aesthetically preferred weight. If life were fair and perfect I'd be a bigger 16/18 and feel like everything was right with the world.

Alas, I am not.

Objectively I'm barely fat. The way I'm built means I look smaller than I am which I am also struggling with, as evidenced by my lack of full length photos lately.

On one hand I've been dressing super cute lately and I want to share some new thrifting ways/things to demonstrate my theory of ignoring size labels and wearing ALL THE STRETCH but at the same time I don't want to alienate my fatter readers with my not so fat anymore body.

And before anybody says NO NOT ME, it's nobody individually it's more of a general vibe I've gotten in FA for a long time. Now I just am feeling it kind of more keenly since visually I'm sure 90% of you would look at me and tell me to fuck off cause I'm not that fat at this time.

So yeah.

I'm angsting a bit about it because I for real want to share but I don't want to drive folks off.

I'm going to think about it.

Meanwhile, I am going to try really hard not to feel so weird about how my body looks. I'm healthy for me, granted I've gotten sick more since I lost weight and I don't like that but I have been working very hard on intuitive eating and I'm no I am feeling like I am doing better at feeding myself appropriately.

I'm trying to listen to my body and not fight it. If it wants to do a thing, we're gonna do the thing because I do not have the spoons nor magic to fight it and work and everything.

What else?

In keeping with my struggle to really accept how my body is right this instant I want to blog more about fatshion and ways to get around some of the sizing problems death fat folks and smaller folks like myself might be having.

I want to revisit my thrifting methods.

I want to bring y'all along as I am heading for 40 and really putting all of this FA/body politics shit into heavy practice. I want to explore how bringing these things into my late 30s has made aging so much better.

Not that I wasn't before but right now I feel like it is absolutely imperative that I go hard for it. This is survival,

So there we are.

AND here we are back to our regularly scheduled programming.

ALSO Beatfreak you are mentioned in the new self care book. Just an FYI. Because I adore you.

Okay that's all for right now homies. LOTS of things are gong on right now.

If you'd like to read some of my non fiction you can read my article here Dear White Ladies at Luna Luna Magazine.

Homo Out.

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